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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Is it Ok to tell DD6 to stop the crying?
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amother
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Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:39 am
As someone who suffers from anxiety and has a lifetime of being told to Just Calm Down and Stop Stressing So Much, I'm not a fan of telling kids to stop crying. I have one also who tends towards more over the top reactions. I do think it's important to teach kids to react appropriately, but in the moment is just not the time to do that. Instead, I point it out at calmer times, like say, reading a story and pointing out how a character reacted to something. In the moment of excessive crying, I just say I know it's disappointing/annoying/upsetting, but we still can't have that/need to go now/etc. I'm happy to discuss more when you're ready to speak calmly and nicely.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:39 am
amother wrote:
OP, it's not the same as DH telling you to stop crying. Because adults don't cry for no reason, while kids can and do cry for no reason.


It's no reason to you, but it's a reason to them. We do not get to decide how other people feel about anything.

My son is a lot like OP's daughter..he cries about absolutely everything and it really can drive me mad. But I (try to) never tell him to stop crying. We do teach him, though, that I can't help him until he communicates calmly and clearly about what upset him, and of course that while crying he can't escalate to kicking and other destructive behavior.

The only time I will actually move him is if we are at the shabbos table, or maybe a restaurant or library. Even then, I will not tell him to stop crying but will move him to his room or somewhere else and let him know he is free to come back when he has calmed down.
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mommy201




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:41 am
amother wrote:
Because I know my child. You can see a pattern. Like if she's busy playing or doing and activity and me or DH is not around, she won't complain or cry. The minute she has who to complain and cry to, she starts. She's the type that looks for boo boo's all day long. She had surgery as a baby and still has scars, every so often she'll start crying that she hurt her leg and she points to the scars that it hurts so much. Same goes to old bruises. And no child wakes up and everything hurts! Its a type of child.
She's bh getting enough attention and love, it's just her nature. She's a copy of one of DH sisters that was the same as a child.


Firstly, you can't really know that nothing is hurting her. I dont believe that when she's busy she doesn't cry so that's why its nothing. There is something called distraction and it works on adults too. It may be a good tactic to actually use after you empathize and validate to try and help the kid to move on.
Try validating and empathizing. It makes the kid realize that "Oh, I dont have to cry that much if I can just go to my mother, say something hurts or I'm bored and Mommy gives me a kiss and validates me."
Trust me, it works.
Also, empathizing and validating doesnt have to mean giving in. That may be a kids tactic, but you can empathize without giving in.
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mommy201




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:43 am
Zehava wrote:
A six year old should know to use her words, she isn’t a newborn.

Not if they were never taught how to use their words. By shutting down emotions, kids dont know how to react in tough situations.
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oneofakind




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:44 am
Telling her to stop crying invalidates her feelings and doesn't tell what she should do instead. Miriam Adahan says, "Hold my hand, look into my eyes and tell me what you want." So no braid, WAAAA!, "Hold my hand, look into my eyes and tell me what you want." Sob. "I want a braid!" " Yes you want a braid. It's upsetting not to get what you want. Why don't you take a deep breathe/wash your face and remember you'll get a braid later." Walk away.

Empathy has nothing to do with giving in.
To the kid who points out old scars, "It sounds like you wanted to talk to me! or Do you need a hug?"

Anybody read "How To Speak So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids will talk"?
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mommy201




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:50 am
amother wrote:
OP, it's not the same as DH telling you to stop crying. Because adults don't cry for no reason, while kids can and do cry for no reason.


I dont think that is true at all. There is always a reason.
Kids whining or crying because they are tired or hungry or had a bad day is comparable to an adult being in a bad mood due to hormones, tiredness, not eating or drinking.
I know it seems that you cant compare the difference between a child crying over not getting a candy to an adult crying over something larger, but, in a child's smaller eyes in can be the same upsetting.
I do believe there is always a reason. A happy kid who is having a great time, will not burst in tears or whine unless they wanted something and couldnt get it, they are tired, or hungry, had a bad day, somthing turned them off....

I know it can seem to us like its not a valid reason but it is in their eyes and I think adults are more comparable to sometimes acting like children more then we think.
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mommy201




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:52 am
oneofakind wrote:
Telling her to stop crying invalidates her feelings and doesn't tell what she should do instead. Miriam Adahan says, "Hold my hand, look into my eyes and tell me what you want." So no braid, WAAAA!, "Hold my hand, look into my eyes and tell me what you want." Sob. "I want a braid!" " Yes you want a braid. It's upsetting not to get what you want. Why don't you take a deep breathe/wash your face and remember you'll get a braid later." Walk away.

Empathy has nothing to do with giving in.
To the kid who points out old scars, "It sounds like you wanted to talk to me! or Do you need a hug?"

Anybody read "How To Speak So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids will talk"?


How do I put in a thumbs up emoticon? :-)
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 11:58 am
The disappointment can feel intensely overwhelming to a 6 year old child, and overwhelming emotions triggers crying. Telling her to stop crying shames her and her feelings. Naming her feeling and empathizing helps her learn what this overwhelming feeling is called, and helps her learn how to regulate overwhelming feelings.

By telling her to stop crying, it just teaches her to suppress the emotion and shames her for her emotional reactions. She needs empathy and modeling of accepting, feeling, expressing her emotions, and verbalizing her thoughts and needs. This is how healthy children learn and grow healthy personalities
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 12:15 pm
mommy201 wrote:
Not if they were never taught how to use their words. By shutting down emotions, kids dont know how to react in tough situations.

Right. So time to teach them
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amother
Purple


 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 12:22 pm
I have always felt things very, very intensely, and had difficulty regulating my emotions. When I experience something difficult, my emotional response goes flying from 0-60. Note, this is not apparent in my behavioral response, which I've learned to keep completely neutral most of the time. People describe me as a calm person when in fact I feel an emotional storm regularly.

As a child I used to cry a lot. Not because I wanted to or had any control over it, but because crying is an automatic response to extreme emotion. And I was always encountering extreme emotions. I don't remember how anyone reacted to my crying, but I definitely remember realizing at some point that it was weird and wrong to cry over things that no one else seemed to care that much about. So I learned to hide my tears and suppress my emotions. It wasn't healthy, it was just the way I decided to cope with unwelcome tears.

That child turned into an adult who couldn't handle the emotional assaults either, and it has become so ingrained in me to clam up and shut down without acknowledging how I'm feeling or sharing it with anyone. My dh wishes we could have greater emotional intimacy but it's very hard for me to break the pattern of believing that I'm wrong for my feelings and their intensity.

Sorry for the long megillah. Just sharing the perspective of someone who seems to have something in common with your dd. Maybe play therapy can help her become more comfortable with her emotions and give her a safe place to explore her reactions.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 12:30 pm
Zehava wrote:
Naaa
I’m HSP and I was not like that as a kid at all. Some kids use crying as a manipulative tactic because they learn from a young age that it gets them what they want.
The way to to deal with it would be to disengage, as long as the child isn’t in pain or deprived of something let them cry to their hearts content.


So don’t give the child what they want just because they are crying, but yes, you should validate the feelings and show compassion.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 12:34 pm
tichellady wrote:
So don’t give the child what they want just because they are crying, but yes, you should validate the feelings and show compassion.

Absolutely
Validation is important
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 1:10 pm
Mommy201, if the minute my DD see's DH or me she starts crying that her scars from surgery years ago hurts so so much, I know that she's crying for no reason. If she's searching her hands and legs for boo boo's and when she finds a bruise she starts crying, I know that she's crying for nothing. If she's disturbing a meal or something, I put her in another room. Or I tell her "mommy can't hear when you cry, if you have a problem you need to talk."
Some kids, especially girls, are crybabies by nature.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 1:18 pm
amother wrote:
Mommy201, if the minute my DD see's DH or me she starts crying that her scars from surgery years ago hurts so so much, I know that she's crying for no reason. If she's searching her hands and legs for boo boo's and when she finds a bruise she starts crying, I know that she's crying for nothing. If she's disturbing a meal or something, I put her in another room. Or I tell her "mommy can't hear when you cry, if you have a problem you need to talk."
Some kids, especially girls, are crybabies by nature.


Maybe she’s not crying from pain of her booboos but maybe she’s crying for lack of connections from her parents. There’s a reason, you can’t always know what it is. The best way to find out the reason, is to let your child whine and cry while holding and hugging her and saying that it’s ok to cry. When she is finished you can ask her what her feelings were. She will probably say it’s her booboos in the the beginning but eventually after a lot of connection and validation, she may open up more and tell you what’s really bothering her. It may also be hard for her to express her real emotions so she keeps saying it’s something superficial like her boo boos. But, if you kiss and keep calm with her when she does this, it will help her delve deeper and state what’s really bothering her. And guess what, after a while, she may realize that there’s no need to get so hysterical since she can just come over and talk to you and you will validate her and make her feel good.

I do agree that it’s triggering and annoying when kids kvetch and cry all day, but for this part, one needs to work on themselves to stay calm. And it takes a lot of work too.

Good luck with you daughter
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 1:42 pm
If you validate, the child feels heard. Being heard in childhood will give her a sense that she's ok the way she is. She will learn that feelings are ok and that she doesn't have to suppress them. She will learn healthy ways to process them.

Validating doesn't mean giving in or never saying know. It means like trixx wrote saying with compassion you're so disappointed. But right now we need to go.

It's the opposite effect of trauma that many people experience as a child.

The secondary upside to this is that often when one validates, the child calms down, because she's been heard. I specifically wrote that this is secondary, because that can't be the reason you're validating, to quiet her. Because it won't be real, and then the whole thing is moot.


Last edited by ra_mom on Fri, Apr 05 2019, 2:11 pm; edited 2 times in total
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 1:49 pm
I know you're asking about something small OP, and of course your child won't be traumatized from that scenario, but if you want to look into this topic a bit more, here are some great quotes from Dr. Gabor Maté.

"Trauma is not the fact that you have pain or sadness. Trauma is when you are alone with your pain and sadness so you can't process it and move through it."

"Trauma isn't what happens to you. Trauma is what happens inside you. The primary aspect of trauma is that the person who's traumatized is alone with their difficult emotions."

"You can't protect your children from pain or sadness nor should you try to. Help them experience it with a nurturing adult so they learn that they can handle it and that there's support in this world."
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 1:53 pm
Amother papaya, bh we have a good connection with DD, she's not missing love and attention bh. There are plenty of kids with this nature. Sometimes kids cry for no reason or to manipulate their parents, especially when older kids constantly cry. Why is it so hard to grasp? Some kids are a drama queen. Constant complaining is a nature, it doesn't mean that the child is missing a connection, love, or attention from parents. Coddling the child will only make the problem worse, the child will never learn that when she has a problem she needs to talk & not cry.
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married2020




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 2:13 pm
amother wrote:
OP here.

The other night I was in tears telling DH about how a family member had something very hurtful to me.

I would've been very hurt if DH had told me to stop crying.

Didn't Rav Yisrael Salanter say that a toy boat breaking in the bathtub is the same to a child as a merchant's huge ship being shipwrecked at sea?

What if when I say "DD6 stop crying" she hears me as deciding for her that her pain is no big deal, the same way I'd hear it if DH would say it to me?


I imagine that R Yisrael Salanter lived a time when there wasn’t as much abundance and kids didn’t have as many toys as they do today. Because honestly this doesn’t make sense for these days.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 3:02 pm
I have a neighbor with a few kids that all cry the second things don’t go their way. Each time they play with the neighbors outside and they get out or they want to play something else they start crying. If the mother runs late and asks a neighbor to take one of the kids off the bus for her they decline( because they can’t handle the crying). I personally can’t handle excessive crying. I teach my kids to express themselves instead. My 4 year old cries very fast. Today he cried because I opened the lolly for him( he gave it to me to hold and I thought he wanted my to open it tor him). I told him to wipe his tears and tell me what he wants instead. He stopped crying instantly, told me what he wanted, and forgot about his lolly a millasecond later. He cries if I put the spoon in his plate instead of next to the plate. I encourage him to stop and tell me what he wants instead.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Fri, Apr 05 2019, 3:04 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
Your child may be a Highly Sensitive Person. Google it.

She may feel things much more acutely, and she may take your words much more seriously than you intended.

Some things can stay with a child for life, and will form deep patterns of behavior in adulthood. You don't always know what those things are, so choose your words carefully and kindly.


My daughter is about the same age and I’m positive she’s highly sensitive. This thread is interesting to read.

I really don’t think she cries in order to manipulate. Little things genuinely upset her. I’m trying to find the right balance of acknowledging her feelings and also teaching her what is and is not a big deal.

Feel free to post tips Wink
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