Is it Ok to tell DD6 to stop the crying?

mommy201

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 3:24 pm

amother wrote:

Amother papaya, bh we have a good connection with DD, she's not missing love and attention bh. There are plenty of kids with this nature. Sometimes kids cry for no reason or to manipulate their parents, especially when older kids constantly cry. Why is it so hard to grasp? Some kids are a drama queen. Constant complaining is a nature, it doesn't mean that the child is missing a connection, love, or attention from parents. Coddling the child will only make the problem worse, the child will never learn that when she has a problem she needs to talk & not cry.

I literally hate the word manipulate. Why do we think that kids want to manipulate the parents? It is so wrong. Kids want something or want connection they don’t want to manipulate. We need to change our mindset and not see it as manipulation see it a need for connection and validation and that in itself will make a big difference. Kids sense when the parents think no good of them and it does way more harm then good.

Regarding your daughter, I’m not sure if you referring love, connection, validation as coddling or you mean giving in as coddling. You do not have to give in but kids do crave and need connection.

Drama queen can be a nature. I am not disputing that. I’ve got one of my own drama queens. You can’t change the fact that they are a drama queen, it’s a personality they have. But it is possible to bury it and seem that they have changed their personality when we shut down their emotions and don’t let them be heard.

mommy201

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 3:30 pm

flowerpower wrote:

I have a neighbor with a few kids that all cry the second things don’t go their way. Each time they play with the neighbors outside and they get out or they want to play something else they start crying. If the mother runs late and asks a neighbor to take one of the kids off the bus for her they decline( because they can’t handle the crying). I personally can’t handle excessive crying. I teach my kids to express themselves instead. My 4 year old cries very fast. Today he cried because I opened the lolly for him( he gave it to me to hold and I thought he wanted my to open it tor him). I told him to wipe his tears and tell me what he wants instead. He stopped crying instantly, told me what he wanted, and forgot about his lolly a millasecond later. He cries if I put the spoon in his plate instead of next to the plate. I encourage him to stop and tell me what he wants instead.

This is probably more okay with the examples you provided above. But, say your son was bullied in school and he came home and was sensitive when he didn’t get what he wanted due the helplessness he felt earlier in the day, by you telling him not to cry, he is shutting his feelings down from the whole day and not letting himself get passed it.
Now I’m not saying that it’s always a major deal such as bullying but perhaps try saying when he cries about the opened lolly “honey that’s upsetting that mommy didn’t realize what you wanted. Here, I’ll hold the lolly now” this makes him feel validated and he’ll prob grow into being less sensitive to cry fast after a while.

amother

Blonde

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 3:46 pm

Mimmy201, where do you see me saying that I shut down information? It's perfectly ok to tell a crying child that mommy can't hear you when you cry & you need to talk. We're not talking about toddlers here.
And kids use manipulation by crying when they see that whenever they cry they get their way & attention. So they'll cry for every silly thing because they know they'll get their way. That's manipulation. A child's constant crying does not mean that he's missing a connection to his parents.
I guess you don't have an older child that's constantly crying, so you don't understand very well what I'm trying to say.
Like flowerpower said about her neighbors kids, some kids are just cry babies and these kids end up suffering because no one wants to play with them.

Kiwi13

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 3:59 pm

I didn't read all the replies, but I think it's fine to encourage emotional containment, depending on how it's done. It doesn't mean they aren't entitled to their feelings, it just means they aren't entitled to every form of emotional expression at all times, and certainly not in a manipulative way.

When my 3-year old tells me he's sad that I won't give him a cookie, I validate his feelings and sometimes tell him I also wish he could have a cookie. But at the end of the day, no is still no. When he cries and tells me he's so sad, and having a cookie will make him happy again, I tell him, "It's okay to feel sad. It happens sometimes."

He can have any feelings he wants, but that doesn't mean it's reasonable to expect the circumstances around him to bend to his wishes. My kids are still very young, but I don't tolerate whining. I tell my son that I understand he's very upset, but I can't understand him when he whines. Please speak to me like a mensch.

Bottom line, it's important to teach your kids that they are entitled to their feelings. It's ALSO important to teach your kids when and how to EXPRESS their feelings.

mommy201

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 4:08 pm

amother wrote:

Putting a kid in another room when they cry or saying that they need to talk not cry in order to be heard is a form of shutting down their feelings. Either they will continue to be this way or grow more apart when they realize they can’t be heard and the feelings can come out now or later in life in ways you would not want it to.

I don’t know your exact situation and I’m glad you know the ages of my children, all I know is something I learned and changed in my parenting approach and made a difference in my life and my childrens life.

Yes, it is easier to work on these things when your children are younger, it will help them develop into healthy adults, but, I honestly think this can work on a teenage level, obviously with different wordings for different situations.

I don’t mean any offense at all. I really just believe in helpful ideas that I truly know are the right way.

amother

Blonde

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 4:17 pm

So I'm supposed to let DD tantrum at a shabbos meal full of guest, or at my parents or in laws thereby disturbing all? Hmmmm that's amazing parenting advice, thank you. It's a very mentchlich thing to do.
Sounds like these parents that let their kids wreck hovac & have melt downs & tantrums at a simcha or any public place disturbing everyone, while mom will just sit there talking softly to the kid and chas veshalom not removing the child from the room and reprimanding him, because you wanna teach your child a lesson. Oh well.... there's a time and place, age and stage for everything.

mommy201

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 4:38 pm

amother wrote:

So I'm supposed to let DD tantrum at a shabbos meal full of guest, or at my parents or in laws thereby disturbing all? Hmmmm that's amazing parenting advice, thank you. It's a very mentchlich thing to do.
Sounds like these parents that let their kids wreck hovac & have mt downs & tantrums at a simcha or any public place disturbing everyone, while mom will just sit there talking softly to the kid and chas veshalom not removing the child from the room and reprimanding him, because you wanna teach your child a lesson. Oh well.... there's a time and place, age and stage for everything.

Yes. What’s wrong with them tantruming in a room filled with guests? Is it because it embarrasses you? Doesn’t that show that it’s not the child’s issue but our issue.

And I’m not saying you can’t take your kid by the hand and sit with them in a different room if you don’t want to disturb others. But anyways these situations with many ppl in the room are not the frequent .

I’ve had my kid throw tantrums in stores and I’m not talking about when they were 2 or 3 years old. And I can say been there done that.

I don’t mind expounding on this matter but only if you will find it helpful.

flowerpower

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 4:45 pm

mommy201 wrote:

If my kid throws a tantrum I put him in an empty quiet room and tell him to come talk to me when he calms down. When he/she is calm we discuss what happened etc.

Kiwi13

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 5:00 pm

mommy201 wrote:

Let’s assume that it’s fine for children to throw public tantrums. What about adults? If adults need to avoid public tantrums, that means that it’s a skill they must learn eventually - at some point during childhood.

mommy201

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 5:06 pm

Kiwi13 wrote:

I do not disagree with you. Either it’s learned in the proper way if we help our children work through the tantrums or children realize that tantrums just makes them get punished or makes their parents angry so eventually they will stop and either have bottled up emotions for the rest of their lives and probably make their kids bottle up their emotions as well or it comes out as an adult tantrum. Obviously an adult tantrum is not kicking on the floor but it can be getting hysterical, never giving in... other issues. I think we all know people like that.

Wouldn’t we rather teach our children how to work through and deal with crying, tantrums, emotions so that it doesn’t lead to long term complications?

amother

Blonde

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 5:09 pm

I remove a tantruming kid from a public place not because I'm embarrassed, it's plain not mentchlich or considerate and bad middos to allow your child to disturb everyone and disrupt a simcha, meal..... if you wanna teach your kid a lesson, no problem, but not on anyone else's expense. Not at someone else simcha or meal. That's disrespectful.

Kiwi13

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 5:48 pm

amother wrote:

I agree.

There are different ways of handling these things just like there are different ways of handling pretty much everything else. I think we all agree there’s a time and a place, even if we disagree on when and where.

ETA: I especially like your approach because it teaches a reasonable and respectful way to handle emotional outbursts. Even adults sometimes get overwhelmed and need to step outside to compose themselves.

Last edited by Kiwi13 on Fri, Apr 05 2019, 5:50 pm; edited 1 time in total

mommy201

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 5:48 pm

amother wrote:

I wouldn’t call it bad middos. And I’m not sure what age child your talking about. Regardless, if it is disturbing you can move your child but I would go with them. I wouldn’t leave them alone by themselves when they are obviously upset about something.

the world's best mom

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 12:27 am

I agree with other posters that crying is not misbehaving or manipulating, but rather an expression of emotion. At times, it is an immature way to express emotions, and the child should be taught to speak instead - not because their crying is annoying you, but rather because they will benefit from learning to deal with their emotions in a mature way.

So the important thing is to make sure your message isn't "Stop crying because you're annoying me," but rather, "I understand you are sad. Let's figure out a more efficient way to deal with your sadness."

Teomima

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 12:38 am

When I was a kid, a friend's father once told me to stop crying (I was out ice skating with my friend's family and I fell). That really upset me and stuck with me. I realized my own parents never invalidated my feelings like that and I vowed never to do the same you my own children.

That said, of course they display negative behavior I don't want to encourage. But instead I ignore it or take away a privilege.

I try to always remember something I learned when I was a Residential Advisor back in college. I would try fed up from freshman acting out and being so immature.but someone pointed out to me that if someone is behaving in a way where they are just looking for attention and/or comfort, they must need that attention and/or comfort. It's helped me enormously as a mom.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 4:47 am

amother wrote:

if the minute my DD see's DH or me she starts crying that her scars from surgery years ago hurts so so much, I know that she's crying for no reason. If she's searching her hands and legs for boo boo's and when she finds a bruise she starts crying, I know that she's crying for nothing. If she's disturbing a meal or something, I put her in another room. Or I tell her "mommy can't hear when you cry, if you have a problem you need to talk."
Some kids, especially girls, are crybabies by nature.

If she has lingering trauma from surgery, she needs therapy to work through it. Here's some links to back me up, but Google has thousands more.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/p.....3720/
http://www.clearpassage.com/wh.....-cah/
https://www.integrativetouch.o.....rauma
https://psychlopaedia.org/heal.....hows/
https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-.....rauma

You do not sound like a very empathetic person, and it seems like you don't like your daughter very much.

esther11

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 11:59 am

I read through only some responses but I can tell you what we do. DD4 is very sensitive and dramatic. She will often collapse as if in agony over any little incident, and she used to always cry this loud piercing shriek. Over. And over. And over.

Instead of telling her not to cry, we start of by validating with something like: “I know you really wanted the purple ices and there are no more left. That must be so disappointing.” And then we get to our often repeated mantra: “you can cry as much as you need, but you can’t scream. Screaming is for emergencies.” We then tell her that we can’t help her out unless she stops screaming.

We also discuss this concept of crying vs screaming when she is calm and schmoozing. We bH have seen a significant improvement in this area.

Hope this helps!

tichellady

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 12:25 pm

esther11 wrote:

This is good advice!

Kiwi13

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 12:52 pm

esther11 wrote:

I like this a lot!