Am I raising my daughter badly?

Rappel

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 3:45 am

Feel free to snigger, but please chime in your experiences, mommas of many:

I have two kids - boy nearly 3, girl 1.25.

My son is very chilled. Obviously he has his moments of fury/exhaustion, but he's very reasonable, often boisterous, and if he does hit/push, then I explain that he needs to calm down before he can rejoin the group, and I put him on the side. It basically works.

My daughter is... Not chilled. She gets very easily frustrated, cries a lot, throws things, hits me. One example: she wants her bottle, and while I go to fill her bottle with formula, she starts to cry. When I do give her her bottle, she continues to cry, and chucks it away - but then cries for me to bring it to her again, at which point she'll finally drink it, and be satisfied.

Another example: if things don't go her way, then she screams (she's had a lusty, piercing scream, like a pterodactyl, ever since she was born. People who hear it cower.), and is inconsolable for minutes, making sure that everyone in the room is aware that SOMETHING IS WRONG. I'm not a cry-it-out kind of mom, and I try to be very attentive to my children's needs. Her behavior is always way out of proportion to whatever the situation was. (In comparison, my son, from birth, has always been a "deep breath, let's move on" kind of person. He only cries if something is really, really terrible. They're complete opposites!)

It seems that when she gets frustrated, her stress goes from 0 to 60 in no time.

I'm really concerned about her. She's starting to be a toddler, but she's still acting like a newborn: crying and helpless whenever anything goes wrong.

What is going on? Is this normal? What will she be like as she gets older? How should I parent such a child?

Rappel

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 3:50 am

OP here.

I want to add: she is, in general, a very happy child. Delightedly happy. Adorably loving. Everyone comments about how sweet, happy, and cute she is.

It's like the poem: "when she is good, she's is very very good/and when she is bad, she is horrid."

The high contrast between her happy moments and her angry (sad?) moments makes me even more concerned. It may be just normal behavior, but it's outside my experience, and it feels, somehow, unbalanced.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 3:54 am

Oh, you poor mama! It sounds like you have a very strong willed child on your hands. You'll have to model lots of calm and polite behavior with this one.

I can tell you stories about girls who used to have screaming fits like you wouldn't believe, to the point where the neighbors called Child Services on them - multiple times.

These girls all went on to be calm young ladies with excellent grades and bright futures. They are strong, determined, and know what they want in life. Nothing will stand in their way, and they are nobody's fool.

Try to remember that your child's biggest challenge now, will become her biggest asset later on. Bossy kids become presidents and CEOs. Quiet kids become therapists who are good listeners. Kids who tear things apart become engineers and researchers.

Your job isn't to squash her personality, but to teach her how to channel it into productive uses. That's pretty hard to do with a toddler right now, but you can start thinking about how you want to handle things in the future.

Believe me, when she gets more verbal, and can handle logic (usually between 3 and 4 years old) things do get easier. Of course then you'll have a little lawyer on your hands who wants to argue things, but that's another challenge for another day.

In the meantime, keep breathing!

Rappel

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 4:54 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Thank you for the hope, and the sympathy. Smile

hotzenplotz

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 8:19 am

dankbar wrote:

I think it's typical girl/boy behavior. Boys move on. Girls are more dramatic/emotional/kvetchy

I respectfully disagree. My least high strung child who transitioned easily was a girl.

Dig deep into your motherly intuition. Step back and realize she has a different makeup than your other child. She may be high strung by nature. She may be sensory. She may be born with a hard time regulating herself. Expert mothers can even see this on the body language of a 2 month old baby. Their movements are different than a child who can regulate himself. PLAIN REGULAR LIFE IS HARD FOR HER. if you are in NYC have her evaluated. Even if she is not qualified for services they will guage her sensory level, which is important for a mother to know.
you can take her to a pediatric neurologist at 948 48th Street. pm me for the number. He will not put her on meds but he can educate you.
Difficult children who are not properly understood usually have a predisposition to mood disorders.
You can read Rich Lavoies books even if it your child is not school age and learning disabled.
It will help you help your lovely daughter.
You can read books on how to help your sensory child and get ideas how to help her regulate herself, even if she is not sensory or predisposed to add.

ra_mom

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 8:30 am

She's a more sensitive soul. She needs more of you.
Hug her, rub her, hold her (whichever she enjoys) when she's calm and happy, not waiting for when she's crying (or tantruming!).
If at all possible, try to have her bottles ready before she realizes she needs them.
She will probably be that kid who needs lots of structure and knows ahead of time what to expect.
Hang in there. You're a good mom! And sensitive souls will bring you so much nachas with their sensitivity to others when they're older in grade school.

Aylat

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 8:39 am

Different children have different natures. It's not anything you're doing 'wrong'. Empathy, patience and a strong dose of humour will stand you in good stead. Children like this are extremely draining so make sure that you find yourself somewhere to recharge. Vent, laugh and cry to DH and friends. If at all possible, give yourself kid-free time a few times a week and do something you enjoy. Don't get sucked into her drama - she feels like the world is ending, but you know the bottle will be coming in a few minutes and everything is fine. So tune out her cries to a certain extent so you can stay calm. Good luck!

Also I totally agree with FF about the long-term perspective. Where can my kid's traits take them as an adult? My rule-breaker can challenge unfair societal conventions. Drama queen/king can be passionately active in a cause. Etc.

One more thing. If this trait is a long-term thing and not a stage, this kid is likely to be both more challenging and extremely rewarding to parent. My kid like this (tween) has always struggled with emotional regulation and his life really is challenging for him. On the flip side, he also experiences positive emotions intensely.

SuperWify

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 8:43 am

Sounds exactly like my son. He’s extremely strong willed and the minute he doesn’t have what he wants he throws a tantrum. Otherwise he’s completely adorable.

When he was 15 months I had early intervention come down and they told me he qualified for DI. Since then the therapist has really given me the tools to deal with him. When he throws tantrums we wait until he is calm so he can tell us- or show is- what exactly is bothering him. We don’t give in to screaming schemeing two year olds.
He’s extremely sensory, hates the bath or any loud noises. I have to be very sensitive to that. He also likes hard touch. A firm run on his back and a tight hug.
These kind of kids need very strong boundaries and firm but respectfully discipline. At first I thought it was cruel but turns out my child craves the structure it gives him a sense of emotional stability.

I definitely have my hands full with him and my patience tested to the max but he’s so very delicious.

aricelli

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 9:03 am

Wow: good for you for being so attuned. My oldest daughter was exactly like this and she’s an amazing adult now but I cant say I was as attuned as you- when she was way bigger and more expressive she was able to tell me about her sensory differences but it took me a while to understand her. When I saw how much OT calmed my little boy I sent her to an OT as well- wish I’d have done it when she was little: it helps them understand their bodies and regulate their emotions

amother

Copper

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 9:18 am

Welcome to real motherhood! Kids come in all shapes and sizes. Your daughter is very normal and very young. Just go with the flow, don't get caught up in how she will be in the future. Some toddlers can be very challenging and extreme expression of emotions is all part of it. Try to model good emotional regulation yourself, help her validate and verbalize her emotions, choose your battles wisely (let most things slide), give lots of choices and reduce power struggle, and accept her for who she is and try not to compare her to her brother or other children. She will grow up eventually and turn into a fine young lady

amother

Maroon

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 11:42 am

I think you need to shift your expectations from "toddler" to "still a baby." Yes, in some ways a 1.25 year old is more developmentally advanced than an infant. But honestly, there are many parts of her brain that are still completely in baby mode. Each child develops those parts at a different rate. See what happens next time she goes into high drama mode if you treat her like a six month old. Give her lots of physical affection, and try some distraction.

Rappel

Sun, Apr 07 2019, 1:54 pm

There is so much good advice here! Thank you, thank you, thank you! My perspective has shifted, and I'm going to try to implement more structure (she absolutely does crave it), and even more hug time (spot on, too. I call her "my hug monster," because she literally cuddles on demand. She gives delicious hugs.), And more conversation, which is very difficult for me when I'm tired.

I don't think she has sensory challenges - or no more than I do. LOL

too much sound/sight is difficult for all of us.

Last edited by Rappel on Sun, Apr 07 2019, 2:27 pm; edited 1 time in total