Do u let your teen buy what they want even if it’s a mistake

mommish613

Tue, Apr 09 2019, 9:34 pm

I’m all for kids learning life lessons on their own thru making their own decisions and eventually learning that *shocker* mom was right.

But what about when you’re paying for it. For example, teen DD wanted a certain pair of shoes for yom tov. She insisted that these are the ONLY shoes she’ll ever wear. Mom tells her how impractical they are- they are a light colored suede and will get dirty after 5 hours. But teen DD is going on and on and on. She already used up her spending money on other useless nonsense and Mom (me!) generally has no problem purchasing her basic necessities (yom tov clothes and shoes included). But I feel it’s so wrong- it’s not that they are ugly or too funky or whatever. They will just get ruined. For sure.

Would you buy them anyway? (She’s very hard to argue with)

amother

Apricot

Tue, Apr 09 2019, 9:37 pm

I would let her learn from her mistakes. You can give your opinion, but don't put up a fight. If it gets dirty, she'll have to wear dirty shoes all season. My mom let us make our own decisions, when we asked if she likes it she would say "you have to like it, not me." Obviously it an item wasn't tzenuis or appropriate, she would say something.

studying_torah

Tue, Apr 09 2019, 9:39 pm

My dh is more the type to let so I sometimes do but get annoyed when I'm right.
We didn't have this issue w shoes, it was glasses vs lenses, and other similar things.

Came up again about camp and I put my foot down.

I can see both sides - I guess it also depends on cost of shoes and will she wear them once dirty or insist on another new pair?

mommish613

Tue, Apr 09 2019, 10:03 pm

So I told her these will be her shoes and she will have to wear them. I’m not sure how it will play out...they were reasonably priced. She must have seen something similar on a friend and decided she NEEDED them. I generally leave lots of room for her to make her own decisions but with something like this it is soooo hard for me. And growing up btw my mom let me choose wherever I wanted. So not sure why im having such a hard time

amother

Gray

Tue, Apr 09 2019, 10:06 pm

mommish613 wrote:

If its possible to do so - ask her what she thought of what she thought were your poor choices

amother

Babypink

Tue, Apr 09 2019, 10:11 pm

mommish613 wrote:

Yes I would buy for her if she still wants them after my warning. I learned to choose my battles wisely.

mommish613

Tue, Apr 09 2019, 10:30 pm

amother wrote:

If its possible to do so - ask her what she thought of what she thought were your poor choices

I actually once did, she told me she always loved my choices ☺️. I think by nature I’m just very practical. Maybe that’s where it’s all coming from!! she is so different from me in this respect.

simba

Tue, Apr 09 2019, 10:31 pm

Yes. Buy it for her. Fashion is important to teens. It’s so important !

I still remember shopping with my mom as a teen and she bought me a hideous 2 peice set by Tommy Hilfiger, a denim skirt and long jacket. It wasn’t cheap. She told me it’s not flattering. I insisted that I loved it and needed it and...
Looking back at pictures of me in it are cringeworthy!

Go mom go!!

amother

Vermilion

Tue, Apr 09 2019, 11:29 pm

I was once dying for a coat that was very lightweight and my mom didn’t want me to get it because it wasn’t practical. I bought it anyway, and froze through the winter because she refused to buy me a warm coat as well. The jacket was not expensive at all. I still resent it to this day.

amother

Wine

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 12:16 am

amother wrote:

So what should she have done? Not bought you the thin coat you insisted on, or bought you an additional warm coat?

amother

Pearl

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 12:31 am

I bought light pink suede shoes a couple years ago. They are soooo beautiful but I only wore them twice because I'm afraid they'll get ruined. So no, I wouldn't buy her the shoes because it's not enjoyable. You wear them once and see a couple stains and it makes you sad. I sometimes take the shoes out of their box to look at them and then I think to myself how stupid I was .. oh well Can't Believe It

mommish613

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 7:43 am

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

This! Exactly what I told her- that’s shes gonna be on edge that they’re going to get dirty.

I bought them anyway, it was HARD to let her make a choice that felt so wrong. But it’s only shoes. I’m trying to tell myself that.

Ema of 5

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 7:52 am

A little different, but I took my almost 10 year old shoe shopping last week. She wanted patent leather. I told her she could get them, but if they got scuffed they would be very hard to clean, and at that price I’m not buying her another pair of shoes until succos. She didn’t get patent leather, but she did get super expensive shoes that won’t be replaced unless she outgrows them.

amother

Bronze

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 8:41 am

My mom never let me buy what I wanted. The only thing I resent is when I went shopping with her when I was out of school already and working. She fought with me the entire time about what to buy. I ended up taking what she liked and then when it was time to pay she let me know that I should pay for it since I am working and already have my own money. (She had access to all money I earned and decided when I should use it but didn't let me use it when I wanted until one day I opened my own account and didn't let her have access anymore.) I love being an adult now that can decide for myself what to buy. For my kids I go shopping for them and bring it home. They are still very young. I learned already not to buy anything my daughter hates because she will never wear it and will be a waste of money. I try to buy what I think she will like. I sometimes bring home a few things for her to choose but it's already what I chose out. For things that are too risky I take her along to the store and that means keeping her home from school to take her shopping.

thunderstorm

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 8:56 am

I let my kids make bad choices in terms of purchases (that I paid for) after explaining what my thoughts were in terms of practicality etc. and they learned the hard way...the cool, designer shoes that they were convinced are stronger and last longer because they are more "expensive" and are "brand name", plotzed after two months. Walking around with expensive shoes with holes wasn't fun. The next time, my teen requested more practical shoes.
I think it's a learning experience for them. I see that my 18 yr old doesn't bother asking me to pay for the purchases he knows I would find impractical and he buys those items himself with his own money. The rest of his stuff I pay for. I never told him that he needs to do that , but I think he himself understands that some of his purchases are not the smartest and he's "testing" them out by treating himself. I'm fine with that. They eventually grow up and wisen up....I'm watching it happen before my eyes, Baruch HaShem.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 11:12 am

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

So what should she have done? Not bought you the thin coat you insisted on, or bought you an additional warm coat?

She should have gotten me an additional warm coat. Tried to teach me a lesson which royally backfired. Why couldn’t I look good? And also be warm? It wasn’t a financial issue. As another poster stated, looking good is important to teens.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 11:17 am

Vermilion, your mother did right. You could've layered with sweaters or gotten a warmer coat with your own money. You didn't freeze because your mother refused to get you a new coat, you were freezing because you insisted on only getting this coat. Sometimes the only way teens learn is by their mistakes.