Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children
Raising Decent Kids
Previous  1  2  3



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 11 2019, 11:33 am
I think boys have to have chores around the house from childhood and see their fathers pitching in. Otherwise we are just teaching them that its women's work they don't have to bother themselves with.
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 11 2019, 11:46 am
One of the main reasons DD isn't observant anymore, is because of the way she was taught in Jewish schools. She couldn't abide the double standards, the misogyny, the chauvinism.

All those things you hear about "the perfect wife and mother" were such a turn off for her. There were no other ways offered to exist in this world, but to be an appendage of someone else.

She saw how all the boys in shul were idolized, and how the girls were expected to clean up after Seudah Sleshit.

She doesn't want any part of that, unless she chooses to do it of her own free will - not because someone tells her that it's expected.
Back to top

amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Thu, Apr 11 2019, 11:49 am
I don’t know where all of you live, but the kids I know are, for the most part, Friendly, well-mannered, responsible and cute!
Of course they’re not perfect, but neither are we😆
Back to top

SacN




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 11 2019, 12:01 pm
Quote:
But boys have to be outstanding to be successful. They have a lot more stress. It's very different.


My husband and I really aim to split household tasks pretty evenly, as we are both equal (full time) breadwinners and rely on both incomes and have equally little time at home. I refuse to do the second shift alone.

But still, on the days when I come home early, The dishes get washed, the floor gets swept, supper gets made, and the laundry gets stuck in the washing machine. The homework gets done, the kids are in clean pj's. And there is supper leftover for us to eat after the kids are asleep when my husband gets home. He gets home and hangs the laundry, and eats super (leaving dishes in the sink).

On the days he gets home early, he plays with the kids, does homework with our first grader if she's cooperative, and makes eggs or grilled cheese. There are never leftovers, and the dishes are left on the stove. The veggie juice is still on the cutting board from the cucumbers they had for snack.
I get home, tell him what still needs doing, wash up with him and direct the scene while he sweeps (but misses half the room), washes dishes (in the sink with the least amount of dishes). He hangs the laundry.

And that's just the daily stuff. Who do you think made sure we have Pesach sorted? Who meal planned and made sure no one (ahem, no husbands) eats in the bedrooms, and determined when each task needed to get done?

Now, my kids are well cared for in every scenario here. They get play time and help with chores, and my husband is a willing and eager participant at home (albeit, a spacy one).

Tell me, though. Who has more stress?

And now, tell me, who gets more praise? The guy who hangs the laundry, right? Really outstanding.
Back to top

amother
Linen


 

Post Thu, Apr 11 2019, 3:27 pm
amother [ Mustard ] wrote:
As a mom of boys, I hate this question.

I plan to teach my boys good middos. But boys and girls are different with different needs. In our community, boys need to either earn a lot of money or be top learners to do well in life.

Girls can get married and expect to be taken care of financially. And often they do. But boys have to be outstanding to be successful. They have a lot more stress. It's very different.

There are plenty of bad wives who are selfish and don't take care of their family, expecting their husbands to finance their shopping trips and babysitting and cleaning help. And on the parallel website abbafather.com you can see all the men's complaints.


Yes! How many times have I read on this website that women just CANNOT be expected to work. And whenever a man isn't working, everyone is riled up how could this be so?

If we are reinforcing extremely traditional values, then don't be surprised when these children grow up with traditional mindsets. Yes, that boy was told that women make all the food, and that she is also exempt from being the breadwinner. It's give and take.
Back to top

amother
Linen


 

Post Thu, Apr 11 2019, 3:29 pm
amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:
Not anymore. Most women work.



Most women do not work. And if they do, it's part time.

And if you want to talk about the kollel wives that are working, then I can counter that those husbands actually do more childcare and house-care than non-kollel men.
Back to top

amother
Linen


 

Post Thu, Apr 11 2019, 3:35 pm
amother [ Green ] wrote:
Because we grew up hearing that our olam habbah is gotten only thru a husband's Torah learning... great so nothing we do counts? 🙄


I've only started hearing this in the last 20 years. This wasn't something I grew up with or any of my peers grew up with in the Bais Yaakov system. This is absolutely not true, and it saddens me that this is the new message being propagated.

amother [ Green ] wrote:
Or the teachers who will never ever disturb their husband's learning for childcare or household help.
Etc.


I think we should be mindful that this can be a choice, too. The older I get, the more I want my husband to learn. I didn't use to feel this way, but my husband is the type of person that gets self-esteem from his knowledge base, and while he definitely helped me with my children, he himself suffered as a result. He never said, but I see the difference.

The happiest people I know are men who sit and learn all day. I don't quite know why that is, but I have a few theories. So again, you can be like me and insist your husband help out at home, or you can strive to have your husband learn and you carry more of the burden. You have to know yourself and your breaking points, and also know whether learning will make your husband happy, etc.

But I don't think we should belittle the choice. It is a choice.
Back to top

amother
Mint


 

Post Thu, Apr 11 2019, 3:40 pm
Quote:
I don't know. My girls feel pretty entitled too if I don't enlighten them. Sad

This. I work with HS age kids and honestly the girls are just as entitled as the boys- sometimes even more. Many (not all) kids today are being raised in a world of instant gratification. When things don't go their way or they don't get what they want immediately they'll kvetch, whine, lie, manipulate... I try to raise my kids with the proper middos, but honestly it's really hard
Back to top

thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 11 2019, 4:01 pm
dancingqueen wrote:
I think boys have to have chores around the house from childhood and see their fathers pitching in. Otherwise we are just teaching them that its women's work they don't have to bother themselves with.

Of course modeling is important and having the boys start in childhood but I can tell you, as a mother of boys they lazy streak comes later on and all those wonderful "helpers" start slacking off. I've noticed with my own boys, the more responsibilities they have outside the home the more they slack off inside the home.
The ones that need to go to minyan three times a day, the ones learning from early morning until late at night, etc. come home and all they want to do is chill or sleep. They are burnt out.
My DH says that he constantly gets compliments and comments on how helpful my kids are and what go getters they are etc. , and yes, it's nice to hear. But it's so clear to me that they do not have an easy time accepting household chores and participation like they once did when they were younger. My DH also is very helpful but even he himself admitted that he no longer has the energy to help out physically like he used to. People experience burnout, old and young and I think we are unfortunately living in a time where there is little to no free time for anyone to breathe and relax and therefore the "me time" keeps calling and it's hard to chip in and help out in the little allotted "free time" you have.
So my kids have been raised watching their grandfather and father always working hard at home and chipping in with everything and my kids too are expected to assist and help me. But sometimes we have to let them breathe....that doesn't mean they should not be responsible but we have to be careful with how much we put on their plates now or else by the age of 35 they too will be burnt out from all the stress, hard work and pressure.
Everything has to be in moderation. My boys are raised with expectations of helping out and doing chores, but they don't always carry through and I understand why. It is my greatest hope that they will grow into adulthood and understand the importance of being a team with their spouses but there is no guarantee that because they were raised a certain way that it'll happen.
Back to top

dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 11 2019, 4:28 pm
amother [ Linen ] wrote:
Most women do not work. And if they do, it's part time.

And if you want to talk about the kollel wives that are working, then I can counter that those husbands actually do more childcare and house-care than non-kollel men.


It must depend on your community. Most women I know do work.
Back to top

amother
Orange


 

Post Thu, Apr 11 2019, 4:29 pm
amother [ Linen ] wrote:
Most women do not work. And if they do, it's part time.

And if you want to talk about the kollel wives that are working, then I can counter that those husbands actually do more childcare and house-care than non-kollel men.


I'm sure this depends on your community. Where I live, almost all women work. Very few are kollel families. Tuition, housing, health insurance... The costs of raising a frum family often necessitate more than one income.
Back to top

amother
Lavender


 

Post Thu, Apr 11 2019, 4:50 pm
amother [ Linen ] wrote:
Most women do not work. And if they do, it's part time.

And if you want to talk about the kollel wives that are working, then I can counter that those husbands actually do more childcare and house-care than non-kollel men.


And if they do work part time? What are they doing with the rest of their time? Many, many women are home with young children during parts of the day. How much can she do during that time? And why isn’t taking care of the kids considered work?

I am home with the kids for a few hours in the afternoon while my husband is still out. That time is exhausting. My husband wants time off when he gets home from work? I’ve been working (in some form) all day!

Basically, each couple should find a way to divide up responsibilities in a way that works for them. And preferably each spouse should get some opportunities for down time.
Back to top

dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 11 2019, 5:22 pm
thunderstorm wrote:
Of course modeling is important and having the boys start in childhood but I can tell you, as a mother of boys they lazy streak comes later on and all those wonderful "helpers" start slacking off. I've noticed with my own boys, the more responsibilities they have outside the home the more they slack off inside the home.
The ones that need to go to minyan three times a day, the ones learning from early morning until late at night, etc. come home and all they want to do is chill or sleep. They are burnt out.
My DH says that he constantly gets compliments and comments on how helpful my kids are and what go getters they are etc. , and yes, it's nice to hear. But it's so clear to me that they do not have an easy time accepting household chores and participation like they once did when they were younger. My DH also is very helpful but even he himself admitted that he no longer has the energy to help out physically like he used to. People experience burnout, old and young and I think we are unfortunately living in a time where there is little to no free time for anyone to breathe and relax and therefore the "me time" keeps calling and it's hard to chip in and help out in the little allotted "free time" you have.
So my kids have been raised watching their grandfather and father always working hard at home and chipping in with everything and my kids too are expected to assist and help me. But sometimes we have to let them breathe....that doesn't mean they should not be responsible but we have to be careful with how much we put on their plates now or else by the age of 35 they too will be burnt out from all the stress, hard work and pressure.
Everything has to be in moderation. My boys are raised with expectations of helping out and doing chores, but they don't always carry through and I understand why. It is my greatest hope that they will grow into adulthood and understand the importance of being a team with their spouses but there is no guarantee that because they were raised a certain way that it'll happen.


It sounds like you’re doing great Smile and honestly I don’t mean overburden kids, boys or girls. But if in a family only the females are doing housework then that sends a strong message imo.
Back to top
Page 3 of 3 Previous  1  2  3 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
I love frum fashion for kids
by amother
135 Today at 11:30 am View last post
Are all kids like this??
by amother
3 Today at 11:18 am View last post
Some kids don’t thrive in a school setting 11 Today at 11:07 am View last post
Belati Kids
by amother
0 Today at 8:05 am View last post
Saying no to kids for selfish reasons
by amother
47 Today at 4:37 am View last post