S/O from dh getting texts...

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 2:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I can't say it's HIDING. But I feel definitely more secure and safe with my own stuff private. And he probably feels the same.

I never thought into it until these threads that came up recently.

If it's not normal then I would definitely talk to him about it. But... I wasn't sure if its a concern or not

Everyone has their own normal. We happen to both be very private people. I would feel extremely uncomfortable if dh would ask for my phone to scroll through my chats or texts to see how my day was. That's why we sit down and talk at the end of the day.

The issue is actively hiding. Closing browser windows, specifically not allowing access to devices, being vague and secretive.

Dh never said, this is my phone pin. But he's unlocked his phone next to me enough times that I know it. It's not a secret.

Kiwi13

Fri, Apr 12 2019, 6:26 pm

We don’t specifically have each other’s passwords for everything on principle, but every so often we need to get into each other’s accounts (for financial or logistical or whatever other reasons) and we give each other the necessary passwords, no problem. BUT, we are respectful of each other’s privacy and don’t snoop through each other’s texts and emails. Yes we are married, but we are still two people. We respect each other’s privacy and trust each other not to be doing questionable things. I get it that some marriages struggle with these things, but I don’t think the IDEAL is to read each other’s private messages. Sometimes there’s stuff that’s none of each other’s business (talking to friends about problems they are having, etc.) and I don’t think it’s appropriate to read messages without permission.

FranticFrummie

Sat, Apr 13 2019, 3:44 pm

STBX kept his phone locked, and even had extra phones that were locked, and I didn't know the phone numbers to those phones. If I walked into the room, he would blank his computer screen, and every time he left the room, even to go to the bathroom, he would lock his computer. He also refused to tell me where he was going, when, or for how long. He just came and went randomly.

At the same time, he would lurk around the corner and listen in every time I was on the phone. He wanted to know where I was and who I was with at all times, and when I would be back. If I was more than 5 minutes late returning, he'd call my phone non stop until I answered and explained myself.

It turns out that he was both extremely paranoid for no good reason, and also extremely controlling for no good reason. Neither of us were "up to something", but there was a very toxic dynamic coming from him.

Rappel

Sat, Apr 13 2019, 4:04 pm

We share all our passwords/lock codes. It was never an issue.

Do I go snooping through DH's phone? No, of course not. But it wouldn't be outside the realm of imaginable for either of us to look over each other's messages, often at the request of the other (we frequently act as each other's secretaries). We're both logged into each other's emails, so we can have access to both our schedules and contacts. Our internet life is pretty open between us.

amother

Burgundy

Sat, Apr 13 2019, 5:03 pm

To each their own.
My phone has a password. Only I have access. Not dh, not the kids.
(Do all of you also give your kids free access to your phone?)
Why would I let dh read my texts? (Not that he would ever ask)
I am more than a wife, there are different facets to me, and I dont necessarily want to reveal them all to dh. Is there no privacy anymore? Where are the days when a woman could chat with her girlfriends without being eavesdropped on?
I am doing nothing wrong, nothing to be ashamed of, but I need my space. I wouldnt want to worry that every comment I make will be seen by dh.
Besides the obvious fact that people I text to deserve privacy too

Teomima

Sat, Apr 13 2019, 5:41 pm

Dh and I both know each other's passwords, but it would never occur to either of us to snoop and read the other's messages etc. I'd think this is the ideal arrangement. Complete honesty, trust, and transparency. No secrets, but likewise nothing to hide, nor any reason to snoop.

As for amother burgundy's question about child access, absolutely not. My kids do not know my phone password and are not allowed to use it. That said, they do know the access code for my laptop, but they also ask permission before I give it to them (they occasionally need the computer for school assignments). And all computer use is done in the living room under my supervision.

amother

Sat, Apr 13 2019, 9:15 pm

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

This message is giving me the most peace. This is exactly me. I have nothing to hide, but I need my privacy and space.

Is anything wrong with that? I guess not.
Although I see that most if u do share the passwords and stuff. I guess there's no normal it's a matter of nature. I'm a very private person and need my space. Hope dh doesn't mind or think I'm hiding something. I think he wld be comfortable asking me or discussing. Until I didn't keep my own access info, I felt transparent.

amother

Oak

Sat, Apr 13 2019, 9:35 pm

At the beginning of our marriage, I made it clear to anyone who revealed anything that I can keep secrets really well from anyone -except DH. If you tell it to me, assume you're telling it to him as well. We talked a TON, and would often bounce things off each other even if the topic was completely unrelated to the other spouse's life. I think that was really healthy for that stage, as we built up our relationship and our trust in each other.

Once we "grew up" and established careers, we realized that there are many things that don't need to be shared with each other, especially because I have to keep confidentiality in my field. I now have a policy that I will keep things from him so long as they don't affect me or my marriage. So I won't tell him something personal someone else shared just stamm, but if I am very shaken up or withdrawn, I will not let a secret ruin our shalom bayis. If I can just omit the person's name or identifying details of the story, I will.

DH knows my phone code, but will not check it for the same reason. There are things others share with me about their own struggles that he should not be privy to legally or halachically. But if he is worried about me, or I am about him or our family, perhaps we'd delve deeper.

amother

Smokey

Sat, Apr 13 2019, 9:41 pm

Im a private person and would be super uncomfortable with dh reading my texts/emails. He doesn't know my lock code and he's fine with that.
I used to know dh's lock code but don't anymore. I was always checking his phone when I was bored, dh was like enough already, you have your own phone! And when he told me not to read a certain chat, plenty of times I read it anyway. I told him to change the lock and not tell me what it is. It's easier for me not to know. Im also the type who doesn't buy chocolate so it's not in my house calling my name.

pecan

Sat, Apr 13 2019, 9:53 pm

I think for trust purposes, it's not about getting access to your spouse's information. It's about me willingly showing my husband that I am transparent with him and he can have access to my information and I trust that he won't abuse my trust by checking my stuff on a regular basis. This works well for us.
I openly tell him he can have my phone anytime and if one of our phones is closer than the other, we can use each other's.
Because I portray myself as a trustworthy person, he responds in kind.

urban gypsy

Mon, Apr 15 2019, 1:47 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

At the same time, he would lurk around the corner and listen in every time I was on the phone. He wanted to know where I was and who I was with at all times, and when I would be back. If I was more than 5 minutes late returning, he'd call my phone non stop until I answered and explained myself.

It turns out that he was both extremely paranoid for no good reason, and also extremely controlling for no good reason. Neither of us were "up to something", but there was a very toxic dynamic coming from him.

Exactly same here. My ex would even leave the house, drive away, and quietly burst into the house hoping to "catch" me doing something. Can't Believe It

I thought that spouses were not allowed to hide things from each other so I made sure that he had all my passwords to everything. That didn't help- he spent hours going through my phone every day and when he didn't find anything, he accused me of deleting messages. He was so angry and mystified about why I didn't feel the need to do the same to him.

amother

Mon, Apr 15 2019, 1:51 pm

urban gypsy wrote:

Exactly same here. My ex would even leave the house, drive away, and quietly burst into the house hoping to "catch" me doing something. Can't Believe It

OMG!! I'm glad ur using the word 'ex'... What a tortuous life! U deserve better. Kol hakuvod to you for standing up for ur self.!!

urban gypsy

Mon, Apr 15 2019, 1:57 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OMG!! I'm glad ur using the word 'ex'... What a tortuous life! U deserve better. Kol hakuvod to you for standing up for ur self.!!

Thanks OP. I forgot to add a relevant "lightbulb" moment was when my 6 year old son approached me and asked, "Dad is going through your gmail on your phone in the bathroom... is he allowed to do that?" For any imas going through something similar and wanting to stay together for the kids... remember that little eyes are always watching!

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 15 2019, 2:02 pm

urban gypsy wrote:

Exactly same here. My ex would even leave the house, drive away, and quietly burst into the house hoping to "catch" me doing something. Can't Believe It

I am convinced that we are twins. I've never met anyone on Imamother who I have so much in common with! It's spooky (and not always in a good way.)

Once, when I forgot my phone at home and I went out, stbx copied down all of my contacts. Then whenever he wanted to know where I was, if I was 5 minutes late, etc. he'd call all of my friends, and act frantic. He'd make it sound like I'd been gone for hours, and was probably dead in a ditch somewhere. He really freaked everyone out. He did this often.

I finally had to tell all of my friends that he was crazy, and to not take his calls. Then he started calling them from one of his other phone numbers. My friends were really worried about me, because they were starting to see a side of him that they hadn't seen before. I was super embarrassed by his behavior, but when I told him to stop, he would swear up and down that he hadn't called anybody.

urban gypsy

Mon, Apr 15 2019, 2:14 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Maybe we are some sort of doppelgangers escaped from alternate dimensions LOL

If I ever forgot my phone at home he would be CONVINCED I did it on purpose because I was on my way to cheat on him and didn't want to be reached. He would call me repeatedly on my cellphone and on my work phone simultaneously to check on my whereabouts and heaven help me if I happened to be in the bathroom at that moment. He drove my coworkers crazy.

Eventually he installed a tracking app on it for our car insurance and would start massive fights with me because he insisted that he could see where I was going on the GPS map and I was going places that I didn't go. After I left him I called the insurance tech support and found out that is not even possible and he had been screaming at me over stuff that never existed.

Towards the end he confronted my mother and his mashpia in tears because he said that he texted and called me repeatedly and I was purposely ignoring his calls. I showed them the timestamps proving that I had called him back 7 minutes later, but he couldn't process that, he kept insisting that I was hiding something nefarious by not calling him back immediately.

Sorry for derailing OP's question, but I guess why I'm bringing this up is that technology has given us more opportunities for both hiding secrets and surveiling others than ever before. Know the difference and don't allow guilt or frumkeit to be an excuse for paranoid and psychotic behaviour. Fin.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 15 2019, 2:20 pm

urban gypsy wrote:

Know the difference and don't allow guilt or frumkeit to be an excuse for paranoid and psychotic behaviour. Fin.

THIS.

The problem is, none of us are psychic. Someone could be "up to something, and you'd never know. Someone could be completely innocent, and you'd think they were acting suspicious. We all have our own issues and insecurities to deal with, and our own levels of privacy that we need.

If you can treat each other with respect, and be on the same page regarding texts and phone stuff, then you've got it made. Whether or not you share passwords doesn't matter. What matters is that you can communicate and be OK with each other.

amother

cornflower

Mon, Apr 15 2019, 5:49 pm

My hub used to let me read his msgs. We even used to discuss his business together. I knew all his workmates, what they were up to, what new programs, techniques... were being used at work, based off his phone. I would look at all family & news groups. I was very interested. Especially given that I didn't have a smart phone. Then he started showing how much he dislikes it. Main reason why I got a smartphone. I felt like I'm missing out...
At this point I don't even know his password. It bothers me. When I need his phone for something that my filter won't allow, or my phone is dead...I need to go to him to open it. Bothers me. Esp when I talk to my sister & sil, & they say how they look through each other's phone when bored or just for some news...