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My SIL expects me to help her with her kids
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amother




Ecru


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 5:55 pm
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
Children are a blessing, but they are the parents' responsibility. You can say everyone must be responsible....and chip in, but who gets to make that rule??? I definitely dont agree. Everyone has different kids with different levels of difficulty and everyone is coming from different stresses some work, some are sahms. Its not fair to lump it all together. Some need more rest and to say now ull have more responsibilities is wrong. That must be your idea of family, not mine. If someone wants to help, great but noone should make demands of another person. In addition, all parents have different rules so I wouldn't want others to discipline my kids.its my job.

Also, yes, its so hard to go to parents homes that are not baby proof or dont have what we need to make it easier for us. Yes, ita a big sacrifice and kibud am/av to go anyway, but this has nothing to do with the sil. A person sacrificing to go to her parens or inlaws doesn't give her a right to demand from her sil to do xyz.

The issue with how hard it is to go away to some parents is separate from a sil demanding constant "mothers helper" type of help.


Well look, I can deal with my responsibilities, and we can all make sure none of our responsibilities spill over onto other people occasionally, by staying home. I was clear to my parents, I can have them over, or if I come I cannot control my kids every second in their house without help. Their choice. And my sister in law is equally clear. If we're signing up for spending YT with family, that's what it is. And if it's not what we want, we don't go. We stay home where it's quiet and we only watch our own kids. But I don't go to my in laws when I know SIL will be there and expect to sit around and read a quiet book while she runs herself ragged because I have fewer kids than her.

It's not a matter of 'do I have a right' it's a matter of I'm a human being and whereas in my own home I can go to the other room and change a diaper in someone else's home I would be like OPs SIL and ask whoever is in the room to keep an eye open for my other kid while I do so. Because I can't physically be in two places at once either. And if I don't ask, something will get broken.

And our husbands spend 10 hours or whatever in shul on YT and that's a lot of time so they obviously aren't going to be available all the time.

I should hope that in other families when you see someone obviously has more on them that they can handle that you lend a hand.
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amother




Orchid


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 6:17 pm
karat wrote:
I would never feel comfortable nursing with men in the house.
I can see why someone would implement such a rule.


Wow, didn’t realize that some people are still so old-fashioned about breastfeeding. Do you also believe babies should be fed in bathroom stalls when out shopping?
IMO this has nothing to do with men. This is about a baby needing to EAT.
Why do men’s comfort come before an infant? Or women be penalized for feeding a child?
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amother




Tangerine


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 6:25 pm
ectomorph wrote:

I am all covered up and not a bit of skin shows.


Really? And I enjoy flashing everyone!

Just kidding, I couldn't resist -the ammonia and cleaning fumes are getting to me.

But seriously, now that I have your attention, I want to bring something up. I think this dialogue gives us an opportunity to especially realize that we should not take advantage of, and be particularly mindful of asking or expecting help from single or childless (or fewer children due to IF) family members. It is so easy to think that your sister, who is single and has plenty of free time, and doesn't run after children/cook Yom Tov meals.....can cover or help out while you take the nap you NEVER get.
My closest friend cries to me every Yom Tov, that not only is she still single while her siblings are married and she sits at the table staring at all of them, but she cleans up the kitchen alone because they are putting their kids to bed and then fall asleep. She gets up early to go to Shul, but then is asked to take all the girls who want to go. Yom Tov afternoon, she is asked to take the kids to the park. Chol hamoed- she is not asked, but is expected to accompany them to the Zoo....

While we can't control what others ask of us, we should be proactive and set boundaries.

We should offer when we can, as going away can be very hard on some, and most of all, be mindful of what we ask of others- you never know where they are really coming from.
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amother




Powderblue


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 6:26 pm
amother [ Orchid ] wrote:
Wow, didn’t realize that some people are still so old-fashioned about breastfeeding. Do you also believe babies should be fed in bathroom stalls when out shopping?
IMO this has nothing to do with men. This is about a baby needing to EAT.
Why do men’s comfort come before an infant? Or women be penalized for feeding a child?


Nope. I wouldn’t nurse in public nor would I change a diaper- I don’t find either of them gross just something that requires a level of privacy
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soap suds




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 6:46 pm
amother [ Orchid ] wrote:
Wow, didn’t realize that some people are still so old-fashioned about breastfeeding. Do you also believe babies should be fed in bathroom stalls when out shopping?
IMO this has nothing to do with men. This is about a baby needing to EAT.
Why do men’s comfort come before an infant? Or women be penalized for feeding a child?


It's not men's comfort level vs baby's need to eat. The baby will be just as well fed in private as in public. The baby doesn't care where you feed her. And like the previous poster said, some things just demand a higher level of privacy.
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Raisin




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 6:50 pm
I wouldn't nurse in the same room as other men (who are not my husband) but if it is a living room that you can go in and shut the door, well, nothing wrong with that. In my house we have a sofa in the playroom so mothers can go in there and breastfeed if they want.

I think the point that poster was making is that breastfeeding mothers just can't be with all thier kids all the time. Little kids don't want to be stuck in a boring bedroom. But somehow I doubt OP is complaining only about that. Also, I assume this no breastfeeding rule is only when the men are home, in which case the kids father can watch his older kids.
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amother




Tangerine


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 6:54 pm
Orchid wrote-
Wow, didn’t realize that some people are still so old-fashioned about breastfeeding. Do you also believe babies should be fed in bathroom stalls when out shopping?
IMO this has nothing to do with men. This is about a baby needing to EAT.
Why do men’s comfort come before an infant? Or women be penalized for feeding a child?
amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:
Nope. I wouldn’t nurse in public nor would I change a diaper- I don’t find either of them gross just something that requires a level of privacy


I would and have nursed in public. I also nursed until almost 2 (Many people are weird by that but remember, WHO recommends 2 and many mefarshim state that Moshe Rabenu nursed until 2 ).
(FYI-I don't do diapers in public -maybe, maybe in a corner if not smelly. That feels not so tnius, but when I nurse, I am FULLY covered)

I wonder if opinions differ based on personal or community lines?
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 7:06 pm
So I'm very oot yeshivish and do nurse in public. Drs office, dentist chair, floor of quiet aisle in super market. I'll nurse anywhere. And my husband works chol hamoed so hes not always available. I'm just saying it's annoying

To my sisters in law's credit I haven't gotten any complaint from leaving my kids w them while I nurse. Was just pointing out the issue.

(it was my sisters in law, who ironically are more modern than me in some ways, who told me I can't nurse)
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amother




Powderblue


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 7:21 pm
amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:
Orchid wrote-
Wow, didn’t realize that some people are still so old-fashioned about breastfeeding. Do you also believe babies should be fed in bathroom stalls when out shopping?
IMO this has nothing to do with men. This is about a baby needing to EAT.
Why do men’s comfort come before an infant? Or women be penalized for feeding a child? I would and have nursed in public. I also nursed until almost 2 (Many people are weird by that but remember, WHO recommends 2 and many mefarshim state that Moshe Rabenu nursed until 2 ).
(FYI-I don't do diapers in public -maybe, maybe in a corner if not smelly. That feels not so tnius, but when I nurse, I am FULLY covered)

I wonder if opinions differ based on personal or community lines?


My Sil also thinks she’s fully covered, but I have definitely seen her boobs. Less of an issue than my brothers or nephews or dad or strangers seeing them, but still. She was offended when I suggested she go into a different room (I was happy to watch the kids) cuz she’s fully covered, so I moved on, but I still find the notion of I can nurse wherever to be a bit much and I consider myself quite progressive in other ways ...

Why would someone need to nurse in the middle of a grocery store isle?
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 7:23 pm
Plenty of reasons... The bathroom is yucky or impossible to find , u have a cart you don't want to leave, you find a nice quiet pet food aisle and settle in and nurse... I've done it many times.
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amother




Tangerine


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 7:30 pm
You also may have a toddler in tow!

Also, maybe instead of telling her to leave the room and offending her, discretely and politely tell her that she is sticking out a little, that you know she can't see it, and then offer to help her cover.
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amother




Powderblue


Post  Tue, Apr 16 2019, 8:46 pm
amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:
You also may have a toddler in tow!

Also, maybe instead of telling her to leave the room and offending her, discretely and politely tell her that she is sticking out a little, that you know she can't see it, and then offer to help her cover.


I totally gave up and mind my own business:) She’s convinced she’s totally covered but her cover will fall down or while she’s latching etc.

And for the person who said she wonders if it has to dm with frummness my Sil is way more frum than me so go figure 🤷🏻‍♀️
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gamanit




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Apr 17 2019, 12:31 pm
amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:
You also may have a toddler in tow!

Also, maybe instead of telling her to leave the room and offending her, discretely and politely tell her that she is sticking out a little, that you know she can't see it, and then offer to help her cover.


Or just don't look and say nothing. That's another excellent option.
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mig100




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Apr 17 2019, 12:33 pm
gamanit wrote:
Or just don't look and say nothing. That's another excellent option.


Genius idea!!!
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groisamomma




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Apr 17 2019, 1:49 pm
This thread has morphed into so many topics and there are a lot of valid points here. OP, would you be less resentful if it was your sister rather than SIL? Call me shallow, but I can see it make a difference. We've spent plenty of summers in the same bungalow as my sisters (yes, all of us and all our kids under one roof for several weeks) and I am forever grateful for the help they gave me when my kids were little. My sister would rock my colicky baby for hours and call me inside when she finally fell asleep. When one of us gave supper we naturally fed everyone's kids at the same time.

It's a mindset, too, really. I never felt it was expected. Somehow, lending a hand of your own accord makes it more pleasant to help someone. Also, if my sister's kids needed her and I was unable to take care of them I thought nothing of waking her up to help. When it worked, it worked.

Funny, after all my kids were toilet trained I got grossed out from dirty diapers so that I won't do--even for my nieces and nephews--unless I'm babysitting and there's no one else to do it. I also don't appreciate watching you nurse...even if you think you're fully covered and it's the natural way of raising children, and healthier, and blah blah blah. To me it's basic kavod habrios--consideration of other people. Don't impose your values on me, especially when it's not in your own house.

It's hard for me to believe OP's SIL can't manage when she needs to. Maybe she doesn't notice OP's resentment and thinks nothing of asking because why not? OP never said no. I have one SIL with a lot of kids (all very close together, including twins), and she manages to nurse in her room or the bathroom without imposing on anyone. It's a personality type and she's a real lady. It can be done.
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amother




Apricot


Post  Wed, Apr 17 2019, 2:46 pm
gamanit wrote:
Or just don't look and say nothing. That's another excellent option.


I like this idea for when sil asks you to mind her kids.
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gamanit




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Apr 17 2019, 2:52 pm
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
I like this idea for when sil asks you to mind her kids.


Fantastic idea if you want to be passive aggressive and destroy relationships. If someone is talking to you the polite thing to do is engage in conversation. If you don't want to watch them just say it doesn't work right now; maybe later
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