Lakewood pressure getting to me

crust

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 8:56 am

pesek zman wrote:

Wow I’m so out of it I don’t even know what lil legs are. My girl is in Gymboree but I’m guessing that’s not ‘in’ enough for Lakewood. Guess it’s a good thing we don’t live there

Where do still get Gymboree? They always had great spring tops!
Their website is closed.
I scratched my brain till I remembered H&M and Next.
With $12 tops, am I still in the race?
It's important to me. Tongue Out

amother

Jade

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 9:04 am

So much YES on this thread. I also disabled my IG account and it has been the most liberating move ever. Sometimes I feel a drop of panic and some fomo but literally for just a fleeting minute. Then, relief at being off of that hamster wheel. It is so not healthy or functional. Regarding clothing, if I want to know what’s in style I can just go to my favorite shop’s website and order the same stuff I would without the barrage of other Instagram images while I choose (or the inevitable accompanying inferiority complex).

amother

Powderblue

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 9:29 am

I'm so glad I don't live in the states. My kids wear h&m mostly even what was on sale.
I want them to be comfortable and be able to play without worrying that mommy gets mad because I got a stain on my shirt.
I think their yt outfits are 60 euros each (including shoes). And they look cute.. Not like out of a magazine but they're not models so that's okay Smile

amother

Ecru

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 10:17 am

I think if you dont live in Lakewood, it's hard for you to really understand what the pressure feels like. It's easy to sit behind your keyboard in an out of town community, or Eretz Yisrael, and type things about getting out of the silly race, etc. Come live here for a year and put your kids in school. Try going to the stores, or your kids' schools, "rocking your style" and tell me if you don't get less than preferential treatment. Tell me if the looks, the subtle body language of "you don't fit in here", from other women doesn't bother you. And even if you really are that confident, tell me if your kids, your teens, really have that thick armor to withstand the peer pressure, and the judgment from ADULTS. There is something seriously wrong with the gashmius over humanity culture here, and it's not "all in our minds." Thank you.

amother

Slategray

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 10:20 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

Well said.

allthingsblue

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 10:35 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

I live here. I don't subscribe to the trends. I never get looked down upon or worse treatment than anyone else.

pesek zman

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 10:41 am

crust wrote:

Nah I stocked up prior to their closing and several stores are still open with amazing clearance prices

bigsis144

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 10:58 am

My kids have very clearly made their sensory preferences known, and that has limited my options so significantly that I couldn’t be “in the race” if I wanted to!

It’s freeing, in a way, to feel “successful” with a bare Shabbosdik minimum of dark elastic-waist shorts (only “soft fabric”!!) and a white cotton polo... low expectations = higher satisfaction 😆

(They are so sensory that I often find their socks and shoes abandoned under a kiddush table at shul... my life is all about “choose your battles”. I could never practically keep up with replacing pricey cute accessories or even entire articles of clothing...)

Last edited by bigsis144 on Fri, Apr 19 2019, 11:03 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Powderblue

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 11:01 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

I don't live there and I totally believe you. But why did you move there? It's not like it's not known to be like this..? For me that would be a reason not to want to live there.

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 11:10 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

This is just so so sad. I live in Lakewood. I’m a great shopper, have a good eye for clothes and find great buys. My kids always look great- yes even my teens. We all dress very well. My kids are the most confident on earth and I don’t succumb to ANY OF THIS GARBAGE

Ladies, look within yourself and see what is missing in your life that you need to behave like this. And what on earth are you teaching your kids when you spend more money on them than you do for yourself. And when you show them you are obsessed with them looking perfect.

If you live in a development MOVE OUT. This attitude is toxic to your children’s chinuch. And you are creating a new generation of entitled young adults. I hope you stay far away from me when my kids are in Shidduchim

amother

Ecru

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 11:21 am

amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:

I don't live there and I totally believe you. But why did you move there? It's not like it's not known to be like this..? For me that would be a reason not to want to live there.

People choose communities for so many reasons, often beyond their control. Parnassah is a huge one, some people need to live near family (either to take care of a family member or to receive help in a difficult circumstance), and some choose a less than ideal community because it has a certain school or special needs program for a special needs child. I would prefer not to specify my circumstance for living in the Lakewood area, but I wanted to explain that everyone does not have the liberty to just choose where to live.

Regardless, an "ir haTorah" should not be so focused on externals that people are left feeling judged, scrutinized, and put down for the most trivial things. There is subtle bullying that goes on here all day long, and it starts with the competition between adults. Lakewood sets the standard for Torah scholarship and Frum cultural behavior in this era of American Jewery, and we need to get our heads out of the sand and start being brave enough to make changes.

amother

Ecru

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 11:23 am

amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:

Thank you.

amother

Olive

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 11:24 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

I live in Lakewood, in a development, and still agree with everyone who writes to keep yourself out of the race.
It is so sad to see people who convince themselves that this is what they need to do in order to ............. (fill in the blank). It is not true for anything other than fit into a group of shallow like minded people. Why would you want that?

amother

Maroon

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 11:27 am

amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:

Wow! so you don't spend a fortune on clothing. But having a good eye and getting great buys for nice things means you spend a "fortune" of your time looking for things. Don't go preaching when your kids look just like all the others but you happened to have found it for a better price. Making yourself nuts at bargain hunting is part of the pressure op is talking about. It just makes you feel good that your not a spender.

amother

Maroon

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 11:30 am

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

No I don't live in Lakewood.

amother

Ecru

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 11:40 am

You know, the "pressure," the subtle bullying, goes way beyond fashion in Lakewood. I think this thread just triggered me. I am so, so disappointed and angry that this spirit of constant scrutiny and competition defines so much of yiddishkeit here, so many of our pure children could retire their therapists if they could just feel free of the judgment and herd mentality. I know there will be those that argue with me, but I believe in what I see all around me to be destructive, most likely a precursor to Moshiach. I wish everyone a chag kasher v'sameach, and all the best as they raise their children to be as confident and independent minded as possible.

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Apr 19 2019, 11:56 am

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

Oy. Oy. Oy. I don’t spend a fortune of time. My kids don’t look like all the others, they actually look better because their stuff is different 😁.

I honestly feel bad that for those of you that live with this pressure. It can cause health issues and major Sholom bayis issues. Stop living for other people and live for yourself because really that’s what it’s all about. Your neighbors will learn to to say your “kids look so cute” not based on the tags on their clothes or their brand of shoes but based on their gorgeous smile, their shiny eyes and all the other gifts hashem has given them.