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Lakewood pressure getting to me
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 12:38 pm
I’ll tell you guys a little secret about leggings. As long as the tops are in enough for Frum culture NOONE has a clue where the leggings are from. I get leggings off AliExpress, children’s place, and H&M, and my kids look perfectly cute and fashionable. I have a sneaking suspicion those Frum store get their leggings at the same places and then make a great profit off them. It’s a scam.
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DVOM




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 12:39 pm
amother [ Ecru ] wrote:
I think if you dont live in Lakewood, it's hard for you to really understand what the pressure feels like. It's easy to sit behind your keyboard in an out of town community, or Eretz Yisrael, and type things about getting out of the silly race, etc. Come live here for a year and put your kids in school. Try going to the stores, or your kids' schools, "rocking your style" and tell me if you don't get less than preferential treatment. Tell me if the looks, the subtle body language of "you don't fit in here", from other women doesn't bother you. And even if you really are that confident, tell me if your kids, your teens, really have that thick armor to withstand the peer pressure, and the judgment from ADULTS. There is something seriously wrong with the gashmius over humanity culture here, and it's not "all in our minds." Thank you.


I know my choice of (very comfortable) clothing and the way I dress my kids does get me subtle, snide looks sometimes. My boys don't wear sox or shoes if they can help it from May to September. We garden, we paint, and we are not obsessed with being really super duper spotlessly clean at all times, so we are often a bit grubby around the edges. Interestingly enough though I do feel we have the respect of our community and our kids school. My boys have friends. I get along well with my neighbors. I have wonderful co-workers and clients who are very important to me. The people who write me off at first glance because I'm wearing a dress with flowers I painted on myself or don't want to play with my kids because they don't have the right yarmulkas are not people I want to spend time with anyway. It seems that there are enough people who will take the time to get to know us even if we don't look just so and who will like us despite not ascribing to Lakewood peer-pressure. Come join us! Its a lot more relaxed and happy way to live.
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aricelli




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 12:58 pm
DVOM wrote:
I know my choice of (very comfortable) clothing and the way I dress my kids does get me subtle, snide looks sometimes. My boys don't wear sox or shoes if they can help it from May to September. We garden, we paint, and we are not obsessed with being really super duper spotlessly clean at all times, so we are often a bit grubby around the edges. Interestingly enough though I do feel we have the respect of our community and our kids school. My boys have friends. I get along well with my neighbors. I have wonderful co-workers and clients who are very important to me. The people who write me off at first glance because I'm wearing a dress with flowers I painted on myself or don't want to play with my kids because they don't have the right yarmulkas are not people I want to spend time with anyway. It seems that there are enough people who will take the time to get to know us even if we don't look just so and who will like us despite not ascribing to Lakewood peer-pressure. Come join us! Its a lot more relaxed and happy way to live.

Youre my kind of gal! One thing though- sometimes the people you mentioned that you wouldnt want to spend time with are precisely the people you do need and want to spend time with- say close family members for example- and then its not so easy. I still do my own thing but I think I would do my own thing even more if it wouldnt feel so awkward around the people that I do like very much
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amother
Violet


 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 1:11 pm
Move to Jackson.

(I happen to love shopping and looking good, but it comes from myself. No pressure whatsoever in my neighborhood.)
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 1:16 pm
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
I would love to get examples of what instagrams I can look at so I can get a sense of what pressures I appear to be clueless enough to not even know I should be keeping up with Very Happy


Me too lol! Sometimes when I flip through the Jewish magazines I see kids clothing ads and I wonder if the clothing pictured is what's 'in'

I'm also wondering how does anyone get their kids to wear all these clothes and accessories of their choosing? My four year old daughter will only wear clothes with rainbows and unicorns and tulle so she basically ends up wearing the same two dresses every day and I can forget about hair accessories she probably won't wear them lol!
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amother
Blue


 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 1:33 pm
I dont live in Lakewood. I live OOT but in a huge frum community. Our city was not into specific looks or matching clothes with tons of different accessories when I was growing up here. I felt like there was a major paradigm shift when all the young couples from 5-10 years ago came back to live here. Some came to be with family, for jobs, or to join one of a number of chinuch/Kollel options that opened in the last decade. They lived on the East Coast for a number of years and then brought all that mishigas back here! It is often the Kollel families that are matching, in super dressy outfits, matching (not just coordinating but match that outfit so they arent worn otherwise) accessories. Not all of them of course. But they are changing our city! They opened up some of the frum stores you see in NY- so there is officially a "style". Seriously- I see kids and its ridiculous! It used to be "all the girls got the same $10 skirt from target as it was the longest in stock". Now it is great we have more options but why do you have to up the peer pressure?
I rarely shop in those stores and we dress nice but not super fancy or coordinating, and dont have all new wardrobes for chag!

There is a pressure but I won't succumb to it. I do what I want and stick to "our old neighborhood way of being".
When you move to an OOT area dont bring your NY or Lakewood craziness! I like our area! Banging head Banging head
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 1:43 pm
amother [ Violet ] wrote:
Move to Jackson.

(I happen to love shopping and looking good, but it comes from myself. No pressure whatsoever in my neighborhood.)


Which area, Jackson is large
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tymama




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 1:45 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Also I have got to get off of Instagram Sad

I unfollowed all kids clothing accounts because I found myself obsessing over the kids matching sets which I know I’m not gonna buy. I go to one store for my son and get what I like and my daughter can still get away with Zara’s and the like. No matching outfits, no fancy shoes, no fancy socks. And if I must say, my kids look absolutely adorable!
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behappy2




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 2:18 pm
Any time you have similar people (similar age, similar values, similar lifestyle) living in close proximity you will have awful peer pressure.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 2:25 pm
amother [ Papaya ] wrote:
Which area, Jackson is large


Pitney, Melissa Lee, Clearstream... those are the areas I’m most familiar with.
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 3:01 pm
allthingsblue wrote:
I live here. I don't subscribe to the trends. I never get looked down upon or worse treatment than anyone else.


I live in Lakewood and like you I don't subscribe to the trends. In some stores I definitely get those "you don't belong here" vibes, so I just don't go back to those stores. If they don't want me, I definitely don't want to give them my money.

But there are enough stores where anyone can shop and get the same treatment, and enough people like me and you who don't care at all about all of this.

I think it's harder for those under 30, I feel like they're living a different life in a lot of ways than my friends and I who are in our 40s. They much busier with Instagram and whatsapp statuses. Also, I find a lot of younger women have more time to spend with their friends and they so they know all of the "needs". Women my age who have big families and big kids don't usually have as much time to be busy with all that.
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 3:09 pm
Notsobusy wrote:
I live in Lakewood and like you I don't subscribe to the trends. In some stores I definitely get those "you don't belong here" vibes, so I just don't go back to those stores. If they don't want me, I definitely don't want to give them my money.

But there are enough stores where anyone can shop and get the same treatment, and enough people like me and you who don't care at all about all of this.

I think it's harder for those under 30, I feel like they're living a different life in a lot of ways than my friends and I who are in our 40s. They much busier with Instagram and whatsapp statuses. Also, I find a lot of younger women have more time to spend with their friends and they so they know all of the "needs". Women my age who have big families and big kids don't usually have as much time to be busy with all that.


Well, being that I don't subscribe to trends, I guess I don't find myself in those stores! Smile win-win!
I much prefer to shop online; I hate shopping for kids clothing in stores. For myself, I shop online or in store- I have had nothing but good, helpful experiences in popular boutiques such as Polka Dot, Brenda's, Brooklyn Southwest, even when I made It clear I was looking do sale/inexpensive items.

Also shoutout to Garage Chic (kids clothing)- when I do need to shop in store, they are super nice and helpful with a great "last season sale" section.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 3:15 pm
Ok now I’m curious, I want to see some pics of what’s in for Lakewood kids! I wonder how different it is than what I see in my neighborhood.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 3:17 pm
dancingqueen wrote:
Ok now I’m curious, I want to see some pics of what’s in for Lakewood kids! I wonder how different it is than what I see in my neighborhood.


Check out Instagram-

Pandaandcub
Elegantchild
Babylicous
Sweethings
Luibelle
Posh
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amother
Green


 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 3:24 pm
Oh please, a small minority of children are dressed in expensive clothing. Get over yourselves and buy what you could afford. Why are you acting jealous. An adult should know that part of life is buying what you could afford and not running after things you can't.
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livinginflatbus




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 5:18 pm
I agree the pressure is tremendous. Like I said in another post , when I got to my sister in law in a Yeshivish Lakewood development, all the kids are dressed to the nines . It’s interesting because most of the mothers are not into fashion at all.
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 6:52 pm
Hey all! Guess what, this is it!! The pressure is over! Whatever got done is done otherwise you'll manage just fine without it. Time to bench lecht and enjoy all thatwork we put into this special yom tov.
Relax. Pray. Be thankful. Spend time with
precious family members.
That's all that really counts now!
Chag sameach!gut yom tov!
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 6:58 pm
I’m not really so into the trends but my husbands side is very so I feel like I’m pressured from his mother, and his sisters and SIL’s which is ashame I wish I didn’t have the pressire but when I come for YT I feel like they snob me and my kids out if we’re not dressed to their liking eventhough my hus says I shouldn’t care abt them
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Apr 20 2019, 4:46 pm
In certain neighborhoods in Israel, it's every bit as bad. Having all of your kids in matching clothes is expected, and if you don't it's considered very weird.

IMHO, if you really feel like you don't fit in, then either you need to grow a tougher skin, or move to an area that suits your values better.

There's a reason why I live in an MO Anglo area, and not in a shtark yeshivish, charedi, or chassidish area. I want to wear my hippie skirts and sparkly necklaces with a Wrapunzel scarf, and feel at home when I walk down the street.

If my bus passes through a different neighborhood and people stare, that's on them, not me. If I lived next door and saw them all the time in the hall, then it would probably feel different. I wouldn't let it change my wardrobe, though.
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SacN




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 21 2019, 1:16 am
Quote:
It's easy to sit behind your keyboard in an out of town community, or Eretz Yisrael, and type things about getting out of the silly race, etc. Come live here for a year and put your kids in school. Try going to the stores, or your kids' schools, "rocking your style" and tell me if you don't get less than preferential treatment. Tell me if the looks, the subtle body language of "you don't fit in here", from other women doesn't bother you.


What FF said. It does get pretty bad in E"Y also. My favorite part of mishpacha is looking at the kids clothing ads and laughing at the sour faced kids with strange looking hair accessories and outfits I could never in a million years get my kids to keep on for more than ten minutes.

My son and daughter (5 and 7) are adorably inseparable, so I did get them matching clothes this Pesach. One store, my daughter picked two dresses she liked, I found the matching boy version, and we left. I've never heard of matching socks though...my kids are wearing white socks.

But. The "you don't fit in here" sentiment exists, and it's part of the establishment here in a way that would be totally unacceptable there. It's just less about Italian shoes...
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