Feeling little guilty

SixOfWands

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 1:50 pm

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

I totally agree, it seems many people here have boundary issues. when your kids are MARRIED they are independent of your household and no longer beholden to you to do extensive chores. I am not talking about general mentchlichkeit of clearing, helping set table etc. but to spend hours on motzei yt cleaning sounds way over the top of normal expectations of a young married couple (with kids!) not understanding what one does with the kids while cleaning? wake them up in middle to go home at 1 am? thats absurd!

By me, the chag didn't end until 8:33. By time you do havdala, then the OP cleaned the bathroom, stripped the beds, or did whatever else, it had to have been 9:30 or 10. Is there a big difference between leaving at 10 or midnight with little kids who were probably asleep hours earlier?

As to boundaries, if you want to be part of the family, be part of the family. Move in for a whole 8 days. Eat my food. Use my facilities. Walk in and out as if you own the place. And act like part of the family when it comes to contributing, including putting things away. If you want to be a guest, please come for a meal, bring a bottle of wine or dessert like every other guest, don't even think about wandering around or having your kids have run of the house or whatever else it is, and go home to your own home -- where you have to clean and cook and put things away -- after the meal. But you don't get it both ways.

mig100

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 2:50 pm

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

I totally agree with the bolded.

This thread shed some light on why so many people have in law problems and don't enjoy visiting their very own families.

People have ridiculous expectations imho

chestnut

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 2:54 pm

oliveoil wrote:

You absolutely should've helped.

You first help with the general clean up, then you do your own.

You sound quite selfish and entitled. Yay for you that you chose to marry and have two children. Your mother hosted you for the entire yom tov, you didn't even help clean up, and you're not sure if you should feel guilty? Um, yes. You should. OMG.

Whoa, someone is overreacting

amother

Lavender

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 2:57 pm

spelt wrote:

Maybe I'm crazy, but as the mother/MIL - the only expectation I have of my married children is that they clean and straighten up their own mess. The sooner they leave after Yom tov - the better - this way I can clean up in a calm and organized way, at my own pace, the way I want to too. Why would I want everyone and their kids around to "help?"

Likewise - Even more so if I have six other pair of hands to clean up. As the yiddish expression goes - "shkoyach faren kimmen, un shkoyach faren gein". It was lovely having them around for YT, but now its time for them to skedaddle so I can get everything back to normal.

I would take issue though if my guests wouldn't offer to help out during YT itself. As long as they were mentschen the entire YT, then that is all I ask of them.

amother

Wheat

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 3:05 pm

Another point of view, sometimes people move out of the home and are away and don't fully realize things have changed and their mother may not have the same energy as she used to.

Also, OP doesn't explain these 6 "big" helpers. Are they tweens or teens? Are they adults who have to get up early to go to work the next day? Did they travel from out of town? Regardless, if she herself said she knows her mother was expecting her to help, she should have checked in with her to see what those expectations were or at least explained why she felt she couldn't help.

But honestly her post sounds full of evasive excuses--her mother not having a job outside the home has nothing to do with this situation in the slightest. It sounded more like she wanted to have a break over YT, and get out of the major work it entails.

amother

Coral

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 3:12 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

don't you understand that the nature of "being part of the family" is different after one gets married? no she will not be your "helper" daughter like she was single and you should learn to deal.

amother

Purple

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 3:49 pm

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

don't you understand that the nature of "being part of the family" is different after one gets married? no she will not be your "helper" daughter like she was single and you should learn to deal.

But you get to mooch off your parents and have your sisters babysit for you , but gd forbid you should help a little.

And you should learn to make pesach and see what it entails.

SixOfWands

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 4:00 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

I stayed home this year because of issues like this, ppl like you, expecting unreasonable things from young adults with little kids and IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER!

So it was easier for you to: (1) clean your own home, top to bottom; purchase all of your own food, at your own cost; cook every meal on your own, and clean up afterwards; box up all of your own things afterwards; and put everything away, that to (2) spend an hour or two helping your mother put stuff away after the holiday.

I don't get it, but good for you.

SixOfWands

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 4:03 pm

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

don't you understand that the nature of "being part of the family" is different after one gets married? no she will not be your "helper" daughter like she was single and you should learn to deal.

Yes, being a part of the family IS different after you're married. You should no longer expect to sleep in mom and dad's house, eat their food, and generally be taken care of for 8 days.

But if you're going to do that, then get up off your tush and say "hey, mom, let me help you with that before I leave." She may well say "don't worry about it, loved having you, I can handle it." But if she doesn't, then you help.

keym

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 4:09 pm

This whole conversation is making me laugh.
Usually I make my own Pesach. This year I went away.
I told my mother that I want to help but can't be counted on the whole night because I had to take care of my kids and pack.
So what we agreed was I put my little ones to sleep before the zeman.
My older ones were put to work cleaning up toys and drying dishes.
I parked myself in front of the sink washing dishes for close to an hour. Then I had to stop.
I would have liked to do more but that was the my reality.
However, my husband left me packing to go upstairs and help shlep boxes. He then ran out to buy food for our trip and some cereal, bread, and cookies for my younger brothers and sisters.
It never occurred to me to not participate in some of the cleaning.
And believe me, making my own yt is way more stressful than just following directions and washing dishes.

amother

Coral

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 4:20 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

yup it was

amother

Aquamarine

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 4:23 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

It was easier than dealing with ppl making demands I couldn't meet (about helping) and the verbal abuse I got if I didn't. It was the nicest pesach I ever had. Who are you to decide what is or isn't reasonable. If I can't live up to your demands then don't invite me.

notshanarishona

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 4:43 pm

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

Most people I know left Sunday morning, no rush to bedavka leave M"S and drive through the night . Of course married couples aren't required to help in the same sense as teenagers are , but it's basic derech eretz and hakarat hatov , especially when you were just hosted for the most difficult , expensive week of the year.
And Any one who has dealt with teens can tell you , that not all of them are going to be happily willingly working for 3-4 hours straight and in many situations a lot of the work falls on 1-2 of the more mature ones or the parents. It's deceiving yourself to say your parents have 6 adult helpers unless they are really all like 18 up. Teens are not the same as adult helpers .

mirror

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 5:22 pm

Feeling guilty is a big Mitzvah. You should absolutely feel guilty all the time. Every day when you wake up until you go to bed (and even when you sleep) you should never stop feeling guilty. Let me come over to your home and give you a list of things to feel guilty about. I only charge $45 an hour for my services. PM me for details. Punch

mig100

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 5:43 pm

mirror wrote:

Thanks for the laugh. U gave me a good one. LOL

I think we women r experts at always have something to be guilty for LOL

mig100

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 5:45 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

Imaa- do u see where ur ridiculous demand and lack of boundaries r leading too???? TMI

Personally I'd rather have my kids join and spend time with them - then chase them away. Though to each their own

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 5:52 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

I stayed home this year because of issues like this, ppl like you, expecting unreasonable things from young adults with little kids and IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER!

How was it easier? Instead of helping pack up after pesach you had to do all the packing up yourself. And you still have little kids at home.

mig100

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 5:54 pm

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

How was it easier? Instead of helping pack up after pesach you had to do all the packing up yourself. And you still have little kids at home.

She answered this above. I do agree with her- id rather do things on my own schedule- even if it means doing more - and not have to deal with demands from others

amother

Bronze

Mon, Apr 29 2019, 5:58 pm

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

How was it easier? Instead of helping pack up after pesach you had to do all the packing up yourself. And you still have little kids at home.

My friend has a saying from her grandmother- working hard is the easiest kind of stress. And I agree.