Feeling little guilty

spelt

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 2:36 am

I am more than happy to give my daughters/DILs a break. They work full time, have many young children and are exhausted. Imas - where is your rachmanus? Don't you remember what those days were like? My mother did it for me and I am happy to do it for my children and they will be happy to do it for theirs iyH. I don't feel taken advantage of. They do whatever they can when they are here, clean up after themselves, and certainly offer to help. But they know that the only thing I want from them after Yom tov is to leave as fast as they can Smile

FranticFrummie

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 5:31 am

It's never to late to make amends.

Tell your mom you've been thinking, and even though you were really tired, you realized that you should have helped a bit more.

Give her a nice box of chocolates. Chocolate fixes almost everything.

spelt

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 5:39 am

And just to add - I wasn't always this way. I am an absolute clean freak and I used to always get upset at how messy and disorganized the house was. I was in a perpetual bad mood. My husband said to me that I'm making the atmosphere unpleasant and no one will want to come anymore. I knew he was 100% right and that it was more important to create a welcoming atmosphere and spend wonderful time together as a family. I did "a number" on myself and totally changed my attitude. It isn't always easy but I knew it was worth it when one of my DILs said to me that she loves coming to me because I'm so relaxed about the house and the mess when she knows that other peoples mothers and MILs get so uptight that it makes everyone uncomfortable. And you know what? The house ALWAYS gets back in to order within a day or two - so is it worth getting upset about?

amother

Natural

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 9:09 am

spelt wrote:

I love and respect that you were able to do that. you're a great mom!!

we're not discussing the hostess POV here, though. we're talking how a mentchlich guest should act. that a guest shouldn't feel entitled to come eat and enjoy and then run off when there's work to be done.

Mommyg8

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 9:14 am

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

The hostess point of view though, as me as the mom, should be a little understanding for how hard a young woman with two little kids who works full time, works. I'm still young enough to remember those days (hopefully I'll always be) and personally, I found it very overwhelming just to take care of my kids etc not to mention how tired I always was in those days. I don't think that OP comes across as entitled at all.

Of course it's menchlech to offer to help, which is why I think OP should apologize.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 9:26 am

Mommyg8 wrote:

Do older moms with grown kids not get exhausted from hosting the whole pesach? I know mine does.

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 11:02 am

Didn't read this whole thread yet - just first and last page. But I had my two younger sisters (with their husbands and kids) for the second days, and was glad that when Y"T was over they cleaned up the rooms they stayed in (stripped the linen, straightened up) and then went home.

One sister lives locally and offered to help pitch in with the clean-up. I asked them to drive a niece who had walked over home so none of us would have to, and declined anything else.

We had enough help with DH, myself, and our two grown girls....more people would just mean more bumping into each other. Too many cooks spoil the brew....

With the four of us, we were done by midnight. It was enough.

Not sure what will be when my girls get married B"EH...we'll see. But when she has small children, I would want her to take care of her family first.

mig100

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 11:21 am

Chayalle wrote:

Didn't read this whole thread yet - just first and last page. But I had my two younger sisters ...

We had enough help with DH, myself, and our two grown girls....more people ...But when she has small children, I would want her to take care of her family first.

Thanks chayallee - I knew I could count on u to restore my faith in humanity again

I also though it was obvious that someone's kids came first. Then if they had extra time/ energy they can help others. I guess what's obvious to me is not necessarily to others.... and the opposite

I can't either figure out why people would need 9 people ( like in ops family) to me that sounds like bit much....

amother

Natural

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 12:03 pm

again, this is not about the mother needing help, it's about the guest that was wined and dined to show appreciation and caring by chipping in.

if the mother is managing or doesn't want/need the help, by all means she can send her daughter off. but the daughter should still make a sincere offer to help, under regular circumstances.

amother

Purple

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 1:34 pm

mig100 wrote:

Thanks chayallee - I knew I could count on u to restore my faith in humanity again

Quote:

I also though it was obvious that someone's kids came first. Then if they had extra time/ energy they can help others. I guess what's obvious to me is not necessarily to others.... and the opposite

That’s obvious to everyone. What’s bothering me is that’s some posters say I’m married now, I have children, I work, my husband needs privacy, I’m no longer obligated to do anything around here. I just spent 8 days here. My mother has been planning, cleaning, shopping and cooking for weeks- for my family and because I am married and have a day job I’m excused.

Op mentioned that she has 2 children, she did not say if her children were up or sleeping or if they needed her at that time. She also did not say that her mother wanted her out, so I don’t know what the circumstances were, just that she feels guilty. If she had to ask, I guessing her kids were not crying at that time or it would have been obvious to all that she should be excused.

But my issue isn’t even with op, it’s with another coral who keeping on reiterating that any mother of married daughters should not dare expect any help from them and should learn to deal with it.

I can't either figure out why people would need 9 people ( like in ops family) to me that sounds like bit much....

amother

Mustard

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 3:00 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

I agree that OP does not come across as entitled. More like overwhelmed and stressed. I think that is why she mentioned that her mother doesn't work and she does. Ostensibly, once the Pesach work is over, her mother will have some time to recuperate, whereas OP won't because she has to go to work. It sounded as though she would like to be able to help more, but she felt it really hard to manage at this given time in her life. Yes, as others have said, it would be proper for her to explain that to her mother and express her gratitude as well.

I can totally relate as I struggle a lot with finding the balance between wanting to help others (my parents, relatives and friends) and on the other hand needing to take into account what my limitations are if I want to be functional and be able to go to work and care for my children.