Mussar from management

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Forum -> Working Women

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amother

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 10:41 am

So I got called in yesterday from management and was told that I'm a great worker but also emitting negativity to those around me. What a horrible feeling to know this is the way I'm perceived! I was told this was discussed in meeting couple of months ago by a few in the executive position and was decided to speak with me after Pesach. I feel so horrible, don't know where to turn! I did express my frustration with some of those I interact with and with the system of how certain things are getting done, now I feel bad I said anything, maybe I was just admitting to my guilt, instead of denying the whole thing. Oh, what a mess! Help! I also have feeling I know who it's coming from and it's one person who's out to get me. I don't believe for one minute that this was really from a few months ago from a few ppl. But it's horrible, just horrible! Sad

Cookiegirl

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 10:58 am

How did the meeting end? This is the type of situation where, if you want to keep the job, you need to be proactive with management to "undo" or correct their impression...for me, that would entail the person coming back in with a plan on how you will adjust your interactions, or at least a request to collaborate on how you can change to meet their expectations etc. They may then be a bit more forthcoming with what/who you need to deal with differently.

amother

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 11:04 am

the meeting ended that anytime I need to express frustration, I should do to him only and he will try to help me. Mad

amother

Navy

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 11:09 am

what kind of setting is this

Cookiegirl

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 11:10 am

Well, at least he is willing to work with you. I would still try to turn his impression around. Tell him you feel terrible and want to be a team player etc. etc. etc. You don't want him to think you are sulking...

amother

Ginger

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 11:24 am

First of all, I can extend my sympathies to you bec. Its very stressful to be in your position and I'm sorry you are going through this.

Second, since you didn't give many details as to how much you must interact with "Mr out to get u", I dont know if this advice is realistic, but you should limit your interactions and if u can't, you should make sure "Mr out to get you" can't get you with anything. The reason I'm saying this is because if management spoke to you, it means they are listening to "Mr out to get you", so he surely has power.

Now in terms of your job security, can this guy influence the management to get rid of you Chas v shalom??? I dont know the details because you were vague, but I hope management is being honest with you. Sometimes, management will hold meetings as a series of steps to an action they will take.

Its very difficult to be in a situation where someone is out to get you. Its stressful and its even worse when management sides with him and doesn't support you. Hatzlacha!!

amother

Slateblue

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 11:28 am

OP - sounds like your job is secure. Management just wants to maintain a happy upbeat atmosphere. Take this as an opportunity to present the executive with your ideas for improvements.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Apr 30 2019, 11:36 am

I have a staff that I have had a similar discussion with. He makes very valid points that come across as negative. He also tends to blurt whatever is on his mind. I have explained that the perception that others have of him is very important and that his words and mannerisms really make a big difference. People will just start tuning him out because they associate him with being the complainer. He also has this tendency to lean back in his chair which gives off an arrogant feeling.

My company is very into being a change agent - meaning championing new initiatives. So we are not saying that we don't want to hear your opinion and your productive comments but focus more on the solution than just complaining. Also there is a time and place for comments. Venting is okay at times, but do it in a more private setting and make sure you are not always venting and that you also offer positive things to say. A lot more can sometimes be done about something behind the scenes with the right audience rather than mentioning it at an all staff meeting.

amother

Fri, May 03 2019, 10:36 am

Update:
I thought about this a lot and took it very seriously and realized where it was coming from and what needs to be changed. I've been trying very hard to remain positive and upbeat to those around me. At the same time, I'm shocked, saddened and heartbroken that this is the name I made for myself and that it escalated this far that those on the top all needed to have this discussion about me. It's so painful for me. Sad

amother

Fri, May 03 2019, 10:38 am

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

Yes, I do tend to blurt out openly what bothers me which ppl don't appreciate. For me, it always made me feel better to let out my feelings and frustrations but now I see how much it bothers ppl. Sounds like I'm similar to your employee. Just curious, how do you view him? Do you look down at him? Do you think he has major issues? Do you look at him like crazy? I'm so saddened that this is the name I have.

amother

Fri, May 03 2019, 10:41 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

OP - sounds like your job is secure. Management just wants to maintain a happy upbeat atmosphere. Take this as an opportunity to present the executive with your ideas for improvements.

Although one never knows and everything is in Hashem's hands, yes, my job probably is secure. Firstly, I just signed a 2 year contract and met with them extensively before signing trying to negotiate a higher raise, which they worked very hard to get for me, but didn't mention a word about any of this at the time, which makes me think that it was a more recent issue, as opposed to what they're telling me that its from while ago.
I'm not responding to them or discussing with anyone, I'm just trying to be nicer and more pleasant but it's very hard and I probably will always have this name. Sigh, what can I do, I'm burnt out, exhausted, overworked and underpaid. I would rather be home now baking challos and getting ready for Shabbos, doing laundry and greeting my children at 12, when come home from school. Instead, I won't be home until 2:30 and have tons to do.

amother

Fri, May 03 2019, 10:45 am

amother [ Ginger ] wrote:

Thanks for the sympathy. Yes, stressful is an understatement, it's more like shocking, unexpected and so degrading, embarrassing and painful. I feel so disliked and saddened.
Mr. Out to get me does have more powerful position than me and would like for me to be his full time slave. I worked for others like him in the past and due to my terrible abusive experience, recognized this in him and have put up all guards to shelter myself from such a potential abusive relationship. Therefore, he didn't like it and spoke out against me. I don't have it confirmed as final and need to be dan l'kaf zechus but this is my hunch. Yes, I'm keeping distance from him as much as possible as I do still work for and with him.
As stated in another post, anything can happen but I'm trying my best to behave, albeit with a broken heart.

amother

Fri, May 03 2019, 10:47 am

Cookiegirl wrote:

I prefer not to broach the topic further as this just feeds into the unhealthy relationship of him being my "savior" and I being his "victim". I would rather just keep a cool distance, at the same time, trying to improve my attitude and relationship with those around me.

amother

Slateblue

Fri, May 03 2019, 10:53 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sounds like you developed a reputation as a complainer - which you admitted to being. We can all change.

thunderstorm

Fri, May 03 2019, 10:59 am

OP, as long as you are conscious of it and you are improving your attitude in the workplace your higher ups will eventually forget what happened if the energy and vibe in the office changes to "positive" air. Very often negativity from one person brings a negative vibe to the entire group and can interfere with productivity. That's why it's so important to smile, be gracious and try to vent "out of the office" if you need to. Hatzlacha and may you have lots of success with bringing positive energy to those around you. It rubs off on everyone.

amother

Yellow

Fri, May 03 2019, 11:23 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I would like to preface that I am in a corporate environment.

I don't look at my employee like he is crazy. I look at him like he needs a little more polishing if he wants to succeed and move up the ladder in a professional environment. My boss thinks of this employee like he is always trying to prove that he knows things and is better than others. I don't think this is his intent, but it comes across like this to my boss and others. I relate more to this employee and see that he is just really passionate and not thinking how it is perceived by others. Ultimately the perception others (including my boss) have on this employee is important, so I work on developing this employee and on his leadership and soft skills.

For instance in a meeting a few weeks back a different employee said something that this employee challenged and kept throwing facts out to disprove what the other guy said. He was probably correct about his facts, but he put the other guy on the spot for no reason in front of a bunch of other people. He also took it too far and should have backed down. He gets passionate about things. There is also some history between these two employees - they are the same level and are very competitive. It almost seemed like an ego thing. This guy also sometimes will have a meeting with someone to discuss a topic and does most of the talking and not as much listening. Again it seems like he is trying to prove that he is knowledgeable about things (which he really is)

It is hard to remove a label that has been attached to you, but it is doable with a conscience effort and time (won't happen overnight). I personally am also like this to some extent and work hard to think before I react or say things in meetings. I still have a reputation for being more direct than others and challenging status quo more than others, but I really try to include a lot of positive which goes a long way. I have worked on it a long time and still have to think before I say things in meetings. I realized that you have to be more selective in what you say. If you are always the one to challenge things and be negative people start to tune you out. I pick my battles more carefully now. I also challenge myself with the following:
- am I the right person to say it
- is this the right setting to say it in
- is this the right time to say it
- will the way I am saying something, generate the response I want
- will what I say be constructive
- Even if my intent is to be constructive - will what I say be heard or just dismissed

It could get very exhausting at first, but it becomes more natural. I still sometimes say things I would be better off not saying, but now I at least can recognize that and pay more attention in the future. I also don't beat myself over everything I say. Again it is the overall impression people have of you. Try to balance more positive than negative. Speak less so when you say something it holds more weight.

mum22

Fri, May 03 2019, 11:39 am

OP Im just posting to commend you, you took a look at yourself, accepted responsibility and are working to change.
Well done!

Your image will change as people start to enjoy The positive energy you contribute.

familyfirst

Fri, May 03 2019, 12:41 pm

Op-
You can do this.
Such a sad position to be in an environment that thinks negatively of you (and being there for so many hours) when you could be home surrounded by the people you love and who love you.
I get the embarrassing thing, especially if there is merit to your complaints.
Let time heal a bit and try to move on. Focus on the points mentioned above and for the time being do not give your opinion unless asked. It'll only feed the reputation.
It hurts.. a lot... but you can do this. And try to find some sort of outlet that will feed your broken self esteem. Take on a hobby, pretty up the house, something to distract you.
I get the embarrassment, and disappointment. But you can move on.
I bet this experience will make you a more sensitive person to the feelings of others. You'll see...

Fave

Fri, May 03 2019, 2:04 pm

As an office manager myself, I understand your manager. All it takes is one employee to give off negative vibes (even subconsciously) for the entire office atmosphere to be effected. There has been times that I have seriously considered letting go an employee just because of this.

I hear that you are looking to make changes, and I admire that. Your manager will surely respect the effort that you put in.

If I would be you, I would approach your manager and thank him for the feedback. Explain to him that you will be taking steps to improve and that you hope that he will notice the change immediately.

Fox

Fri, May 03 2019, 2:23 pm

Yellow Amother gives excellent advice. I would just add the following:

"Attitude" and "negativity" are not behaviors that can be improved upon, and no manager should be giving you mussar or correcting you on such a basis. Both you and your boss need to identify the specific behaviors that are problematic. Though you have done some introspection and possibly identified some, you really don't know for certain what prompted your boss to speak with you.

This is even more important when someone has taken a dislike to you in the organization. There will never be enough improvement in your "attitude" or "negativity" to satisfy this person, and you will always end up on the defensive.

I recommend going back to your boss; tell him that you've identified some of the behaviors that may have caused problems, but that you want to pin it down to specifics so that you can make measurable, discernible improvements. One of several things will happen:

* Your boss will be able to specify behaviors that have caused problems. Some you may have already identified, but some may be a complete surprise.

* Your boss won't be able to be more specific than "attitude" and "negativity" because he doesn't really see a problem -- he's just parroting what he was told.

* Your boss realizes that he is unable to articulate the specific behaviors and thus realizes that you aren't really the problem.

* Your boss realizes that he is unable to articulate the specific behaviors but sees that you are earnest and commited to making changes.

In short, complaints about "attitude" and "negativity" are not legitimate criticisms, and allowing people to get away with making such amorphous accusations will only end badly. Be pleasant and professional, of course, but force your boss to focus on actual behaviors, not simply repeating what your colleagues supposedly learned by reading your mind.

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