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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Do your teens use your cell phone?
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LO




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 10:18 am
I have 12 yr old twin girls, and an iphone that is filtered but still has games, whatsapp, etc. I find that my kids are getting addicted to it, even though I personally am very careful not to overuse it (I don't use facebook or any social media, etc). They read my whatsapp messages (I have a few professional chats that I am on), my personal texts, check weather, listen to music, etc. They read on the kindle app....
I don't feel it's right because sometimes I do have private stuff on there, or other people tell me something private, and also because it's my personal possession and I don't feel like constantly looking for it and finding it with a half dead battery because someone decided to read on it....
On the other hand, I feel like it's babyish to just lock them out, it makes them feel I don't trust them. Also, sometimes they DO want to just check the weather, or call a friend (and can't find the house phone, etc).

What kind of rules do you have? Do they work for you?
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 10:22 am
Nobody is allowed to touch my phone or DHs phone. Sometimes I'll sit with them and let them play a game while I sit there and it's usually for a limited time. Just like they are not supposed to sit in my chair out of derech Eretz , they are not supposed to touch things that belong to me.
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Lesia




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 10:33 am
No one touches my cell phone. I don’t even have a password on it because it just doesn’t happen that someone else would be touching it. It’s a strict rule in my home and everyone knows it. Just say no. It has nothing to do with trusting your kids. Your possessions are yours.

Admittedly my kids do currently have their own devices, but before they did, I would get them the information that they needed. You can check the weather for them just as well as they can check it on their own. They can have an MP3 player for music; I just bought one for my 7 year old.

Also, I am horrified that you allow your children to read conversations that you have with others. That is such a breach of privacy and if I’d know that a friend of mine was doing that, I’d probably never message her again.
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LO




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 10:35 am
I am careful to delete anything remotely personal right away because I know my kids might see it, but I agree with you that it's still not right....
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 10:35 am
Lesia wrote:


Also, I am horrified that you allow your children to read conversations that you have with others. That is such a breach of privacy and if I’d know that a friend of mine was doing that, I’d probably never message her again.


THIS!!!!!!
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amother
Azure


 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 10:36 am
My phone is locked. ALWAYS. That is non-negotiable rule #1. Giving your child free access to your phone is like giving them a loaded bullet. Yes even if you have the best filter. I have private conversations in my what’s app as well as loads of other personal things.

If they need to make a call and someone is on the phone they are generally not allowed to use my phone. If I am on the land phone I will hang up and switch to my cell.

As far as usage- I allow them a few minutes up supervised time a day. For example, teen DD wanted to look for sneakers so she used my phone for a few minutes while I was nearby and we went over what she saw. Once they use up their time for the day (can be up to 20 minutes if it’s for something important) they cannot use it again for the day. They learned that they have to make the choice of how to best use their time. This also teaches them time management skills.

I find that the best way to avoid my phone obsession is to leave it out of sight. If your kids come home and see you texting they will get the itch to use it more. Try to use it sparingly and leave it in your bedroom, purse, etc.. while not in use.

This works extremely well for my family.
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 10:40 am
LO wrote:
I am careful to delete anything remotely personal right away because I know my kids might see it, but I agree with you that it's still not right....


And if a personal message comes across while the phone is in their possession?

And what you may consider ok to be shared, may totally not be ok with the person who sent it to you.

I'm sorry, but I really cannot wrap my head around how you think this is of a small consequence. How about you sent out a mass text to all your contacts, alerting them that your young daughters have access to their texts they send you, and gauge their responses? Perhaps the expected outbursts followed by the silence of your phone will give you some sort of an idea of how wrong this is.
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LO




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 11:13 am
OK, thank you for the mussar, well taken. I do have to say, I see plenty of teens on their parents' phones, so don't fool yourself that nobody's kids see their texts.....But you are right that I shouldn't do that.

Now, can we please get back to the question at hand? I would love to know how other people approach this because I am sure there is more than one way.

Thanks, everyone, for your input!
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 11:17 am
No one is allowed to even touch my or DH phone. Besides the point that it's always locked. You're playing with fire by letting your kids touch your phone. You need your kids to go through your private messages?? It's a breech in derech eretz. Why would it be "babyish" to not let your kids have free access to your personal stuff? Would you let them go through your personal bedroom drawers??
If they wanna play games, maybe get them an ipad or ipod. A parents phone should be off limits to their kids, it's basic common sense.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 11:29 am
I do let my kids use my phone - for games, gallery, etc - but they would never read my texts. They can read the extended family group chat, they can look at their class WhatsApp, but that's about it.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 11:31 am
No. But they also have their own phones.
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 11:37 am
Do you have an old one with no service... Then Yu can just have it on WiFi. And they can use it for games/weather/Kindle etc... Everything except making calls.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 11:42 am
No, but they have their own phones by age 10 or 11.
Once in a while, when their battery is dead or their phone is not around, they will ask to use mine. I only allow for a few moments,, and I kind of hover over them.
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amother
Babypink


 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 11:46 am
I’m also in a dilemma about this subject. I let dd use my phone for shopping on amazon texting a picture to a friend like a homework page or for clothes online since we live OOT but I don’t like it for all the reasons mentioned. We are yeshivish bt. I don’t want to get an iPod for her because than she will ask to use it more for movies or just shopping endlessly and maybe other stuff who knows.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 11:46 am
Amother royalblue, why are you assuming that your kids would never read your texts??? Nothing is holding them back. And private texts can come in while they're using it.
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amother
Silver


 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 11:51 am
I taught my 2y that he cannot touch Mommys phone. Anytime he sees it on the counter or on the bedside table when he comes into my room in the morning, he hands it to me and says "here you go mommy."

On the other hand, daddy never made that boundary and lets him look at pictures, hold during FaceTime on his phone (if we FaceTime on my phone only I can hold it) and watch YouTube videos.

Then dh complains to me that he can't use his phone without little fingers and face wanting in.

If I can teach a toddler, you can teach a teenager. Set a boundary and stick to it. Your kids are taking advantage bc you let them.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 11:52 am
No, only on very rare occasions like I want them to see a picture I took or something. Certainly not unsupervised.

They do all have access to either their own (filtered) phones or tablets which they can email, read books, play games or check the weather. A kindle fire costs around $50, less on sale, and you can put time restrictions on for each kid.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 11:58 am
You are not allowed to read other peoples letters, so I would assume that applies to whatsapp messages too. And its betraying the trust of other group members to allow other people to read it.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 11:58 am
amother [ Wheat ] wrote:
Amother royalblue, why are you assuming that your kids would never read your texts??? Nothing is holding them back. And private texts can come in while they're using it.


Because I see how they use it. Anything that comes in while they're using it they swipe away; they're not at all interested. We're also a very open family so it's not like they feel they're missing out on all kinds of secrets and private stuff.
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 01 2019, 12:22 pm
Twelve isn't a teen. My teen has her own phone. For younger "tweens," the decision to allow a smartphone depends on your view of the internet in general. As for playing with mom's phone - why? There are other devices that have games. I don't consider my phone to be communal. And no, we don't have an uptight or secretive family, and I rarely receive personal messages.
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