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What do u do specifically different than your parents?
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 11:28 am
I dont do all the terrible things they did. Not going to go into it.

But one other thing I do differently is I do not stupidly assume that because we are yeshivish and my kids go to a good frum school with like minded families, they will not hear juicily whispered secrets from other children trading the latest misinformation they just heard, concerning the birds and the bees.

In an effort to shield my children from filth, garbage, impurity and untruths, I will preserve their innocence by educating them about the birds and the bees myself. Before their friends do. It will not be a hush hush eeewy secret. It will be a beautiful fact of life that Hashem gave us to cherish, but keep quiet about in public.

Had my friends and I been given the truth we would not have tried to discover more and more. The garbage that was found....the lies we were told.... Can't Believe It Puke
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 11:30 am
curious what age you will tell your kids?
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 11:42 am
amother [ Brunette ] wrote:
curious what age you will tell your kids?


For sure by 5th grade.
My oldest will be a 4th grader next year IH and im considering then.
Ive heard from mechanchim (in speeches they gave) that they recommend talking to your kids about it earlier, for the reasons I gave-and I remember one said unfortunately nowadays it may be smart to talk to your 10 year olds.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 11:52 am
little neshamala wrote:
For sure by 5th grade.
My oldest will be a 4th grader next year IH and im considering then.
Ive heard from mechanchim (in speeches they gave) that they recommend talking to your kids about it earlier, for the reasons I gave-and I remember one said unfortunately nowadays it may be smart to talk to your 10 year olds.

I think its a bit bizarre that your mom didnt tell you bec. you're yeshivish. I'm RW and parents RW and I was told around 6th grade IIRC. Kids didn't really talk about it much until 8th grade. I guess I'm probably older than you and things took us time...
Told my daughter at end of 5th, and she hadn't heard about it at all in school. I asked her to let me know if she does (and she's the type that will) but so far haven't heard a/t.
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urban gypsy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 12:05 pm
amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:
A few reasons, I think. First, the whole "jack of all trades, master of none" thing. I was pretty good at really everything, and genuinely liked most subjects, so it was tough to actually figure out what I wanted to do. But the bigger issue was that after a lifetime of being the smartest and best at everything, finding out that in the big wide world I was actually not unusually smart or talented and that not everything comes easily or naturally was a very difficult thing to face. Once you're out of school, your grades are pretty much meaningless. Also, most important things can't be learned through books and theories, you learn on the job. When you've always succeeded, failure really hits hard and can make it difficult to get back up, dust yourself off, and keep going. Also, I had to learn that unlike school, where I could be good at anything I worked at, in life, I am better suited for some things than for others, and that's ok.


I completely agree with seafoam and crimson. This is basically a summary of everything that went wrong in my life. Grew up my whole life being told I would win a Nobel Prize, and like crimson, I work in an office now. I've intuited parts of it but never seen it laid right out quite like this before. I'm not sure how to fix this now or what to do about it. Whenever I think about it, it gives me so much pain and suffering. TMI
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 12:13 pm
my oldest just turn 9 and is going in to 4th grade, thought she was a little young. pretty sure I found out in 5th so that makes sense
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 12:14 pm
amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:
I think its a bit bizarre that your mom didnt tell you bec. you're yeshivish. I'm RW and parents RW and I was told around 6th grade IIRC. Kids didn't really talk about it much until 8th grade. I guess I'm probably older than you and things took us time...


She assumed (as do some imamothers here) that because my school was yeshivish, the other girls were sheltered and no one would be educating others.

By the middle of 4th grade the secrets and huddle groups were in full force, by 6th grade there were filthy jokes circulating, and if you didnt get the joke it meant you still didnt know.
Nearly everybody got the joke, and those who didnt, im guessing, learned.

We had to filter out on our own that it wasnt true that in yiddishkeit the man is the boss/in charge of her body and can do whatever he wants, that there is no exchange of urine in the process, that the yichud room does not involve peeing, that its a lie about us Jews not being alowed to kiss and we may only do it when we want a baby, that the highly p-rnographic magazine pictures that Raizy took from her neighbors garbage can to prove to Shayna that all this is "really true" is not reflective of our future bedrooms, and that the rumor that all forms of pleasurable s-x is forbidden but no one can withstand the temptation so everyone sins, and once we sin, many people also sin with neighbors and gay s-x because its all the same aveirah. And more and more and more and more and more....

And this was in the days before internet was everywhere....
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 12:17 pm
middle of 4th grade isn't even 10! wow... and I went to a MO school, had a tv...
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 12:20 pm
little neshamala wrote:
She assumed (as do some imamothers here) that because my school was yeshivish, the other girls were sheltered and no one would be educating others.

By the middle of 4th grade the secrets and huddle groups were in full force, by 6th grade there were filthy jokes circulating, and if you didnt get the joke it meant you still didnt know.
Nearly everybody got the joke, and those who didnt, im guessing, learned.

We had to filter out on our own that it wasnt true that in yiddishkeit the man is the boss/in charge of her body and can do whatever he wants, that there is no exchange of urine in the process, that the yichud room does not involve peeing, that its a lie about us Jews not being alowed to kiss and we may only do it when we want a baby, that the highly p-rnographic magazine pictures that Raizy took from her neighbors garbage can to prove to Shayna that all this is "really true" is not reflective of our future bedrooms, and that the rumor that all forms of pleasurable s-x is forbidden but no one can withstand the temptation so everyone sins, and once we sin, many people also sin with neighbors and gay s-x because its all the same aveirah. And more and more and more and more and more....

And this was in the days before internet was everywhere....

oh my!!! Hurts me to read this. This definitely didn't go on at my school. At least I don't think so. I wasn't the life of the party, but I definitely didn't live under a rock either. The most we 'snarkily joked' about was finding pads that feel out of someone's pocket, or s/t along those lines.
Going to remind DD to discuss with me if things heat up in school.
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 12:34 pm
amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:
oh my!!! Hurts me to read this. This definitely didn't go on at my school. At least I don't think so. I wasn't the life of the party, but I definitely didn't live under a rock either. The most we 'snarkily joked' about was finding pads that feel out of someone's pocket, or s/t along those lines.
Going to remind DD to discuss with me if things heat up in school.


Yeah. And this was a very standard frum school in monsey...omg and dont even get me started on camp...
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amother
Purple


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 12:37 pm
little neshamala wrote:
She assumed (as do some imamothers here) that because my school was yeshivish, the other girls were sheltered and no one would be educating others.

By the middle of 4th grade the secrets and huddle groups were in full force, by 6th grade there were filthy jokes circulating, and if you didnt get the joke it meant you still didnt know.
Nearly everybody got the joke, and those who didnt, im guessing, learned.

We had to filter out on our own that it wasnt true that in yiddishkeit the man is the boss/in charge of her body and can do whatever he wants, that there is no exchange of urine in the process, that the yichud room does not involve peeing, that its a lie about us Jews not being alowed to kiss and we may only do it when we want a baby, that the highly p-rnographic magazine pictures that Raizy took from her neighbors garbage can to prove to Shayna that all this is "really true" is not reflective of our future bedrooms, and that the rumor that all forms of pleasurable s-x is forbidden but no one can withstand the temptation so everyone sins, and once we sin, many people also sin with neighbors and gay s-x because its all the same aveirah. And more and more and more and more and more....

And this was in the days before internet was everywhere....

Oh wow. It was healing in a way for me to read this. I wasnt the only one?! The urine thing lied heavily in my mind for years. And the yichud room stories...
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 12:45 pm
amother [ Purple ] wrote:
Oh wow. It was healing in a way for me to read this. I wasnt the only one?! The urine thing lied heavily in my mind for years. And the yichud room stories...


You werwnt the only one. Im sorry...
Even worse, I think, are the people who absorbed warped hashkafas like we arent allowed to do it for pleasure, or the husband is in charge etc...I know people who believed these things until they were engaged.
And why not....their only source of info was their giggly grade school friends
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urban gypsy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 1:02 pm
amother [ Purple ] wrote:
Oh wow. It was healing in a way for me to read this. I wasnt the only one?! The urine thing lied heavily in my mind for years. And the yichud room stories...


You're not the only one, I clearly recall my friend telling me this exact thing in grade 12 and I was like, "Aren't you old enough to know better?!" But of course the section on reproduction was ripped out of our biology textbooks so maybe not Can't Believe It
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Librarian




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 4:56 pm
I support my married children financially until they can get on their own 2 feet. I am as generous as I can be when they have a baby, for example buying baby gear I could only dream about when I was having mine. It is sometimes very difficult for me but I reap the rewards seeing them established without debt owning their own homes and now able to support themselves nicely, in no small part to the help I gave them. I fight my instinct to be bitter about it and now that I BH have a little more breathing room financially I have begun to buy myself my own milestone "gifts" too. For example, when my daughter recently had a baby I spent about $1000 for her. So I am going to buy myself a new rug as my own gradmother present to myself.
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 5:08 pm
My parents had money and were cheating I wore hand me downs even when I was a teen and I didn’t mind them they were very nice clothing
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 5:09 pm
amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:
My parents had money and were cheap I I I iwore hand me downs even when I was a teen and I didn’t mind them they were very nice clothing
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4everhappy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 5:33 pm
Be close with my kids and validate their feelings.
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Amalia




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 5:47 pm
amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:
I have a feeling my post will be somewhat unique in that my parents are greater people than me in many ways. They were/are extremely giving and have an open house 24/7 for the kids; made me feel like nothing mattered more than the kids; offered free meals; supported our kollel lifestyle according to their means; never asked for my savings to help marry me off, yet set me up extremely nicely despite penny pinching for themselves.
I don't think I can be so selfless. I work long hours. I don't put my children before me all the time (much of the time, but not ALL the time, like my parents did). I don't know if I'll be up to inviting the marrieds for weekday meals. Alot of my time is spent on building my business, or even just on imamother, while my kids do their own things. My mom didn't work and she didnt spend too much time on herself. I don't know if I will be able to afford helping them financially after their marriages. I'd like to, and hope to work hard to make it happen, but will not deny myself many things to make it happen (as my parents did).
Instead, I hope to empower my children to make it on their own, perhaps by paying for vocational training, if they so desire.


That’s very interesting. Thank you for posting.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 6:09 pm
Oh I do everything different than my parents
Yes, I try, everything.
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yksraya




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 06 2019, 7:48 pm
thunderstorm wrote:
I like the entire household to be ready erev Shabbos a few hours before Shabbos , where we are able to relax and chill. My mother and father were both last minute. I remember my mother bentching lecht her hair wrapped in a towel and her in a bathrobe literally a minute before shkia. And it always involved yelling and screaming between putting away last minute muktzah or shutting lights etc.
My kids are getting older and they like the idea of last minute showering which drives me bonkers because we always did the opposite. So maybe my kids will end up being last minute people like my parents since I do the opposite.

Dd used to go to shower just minutes to the zman. Someone gave me an idea, a rule she has for her girls, to shower friday in the morning. Bh it worked out well. She likes to eat breakfast still in a nightgown (which annoys me but can live with) but then she showers and does her hair (curly hair). Later like an hour or so to the zman she just quickly changes into shabbos clothing.
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