Is there more I can do?

amother

Tue, May 07 2019, 8:51 am

B'h my 11 year old ds is a very nice and sharing boy. Yesterday his 8 year old brother did not want to share some cookies he had with anyone. The 11 year old got really angry and threw a fit. After he calmed down we spoke about it.

In that conversation it came up about him doing things for others and them not reciprocating. I empathized with him which sadly was pretty easy because it's happened to me too. It's really hard in school sometimes. He gave me this example, his friend did something to him that wasn't nice. He called him out on it and then the friend apologized and my ds forgave him because he's nice and he wants to have friends. If this was a one time event, it would be nothing, but it happens often enough, but not all the time, that my ds notices. There are other boys in his class of course, but this happens to be his closest friend because they're both new to the school from the same school which was very small and they're the only two who live near each other.

I mostly empathized with him because I can't figure out what kind of tools I can give him. I also asked him why he does those things for others, so they'll do it back to him and then we went on from there, but it's hard for him. He's not bullied in school bh, but he has been in the past, but that was the other school. He has his issues and is really hard at times, but such a sweet boy bh.

He was really sharing yesterday. He said a few years ago, him, this friend, and his younger brother were together. His younger brother started laughing about something and he tends to pee when he laughs too much and that's what he did. He told/asked this friend not to tell anyone so his brother won't be embarrassed. The friend did. My ds said he felt betrayed. Didn't use that word.

When I told him that he's such a nice sweet boy and I know he wants to do the right thing, he said he isn't. He said he sometimes lies to me. I asked him to give me an example and he said that the night before when I told him he can't have a certain candy, he still ate and the next day when I asked him about it, he said he put it back. The reason I asked him was because I wanted to put it in his lunch box, so I wanted to know where it was because I thought he put it on the side for the next day.

Is there anymore I can do for him aside from keeping him home all day, so he won't be around kids because they're the meanest Laugh

behappy2

Tue, May 07 2019, 9:06 am

I'm going to make something up here..Inwill leave it to you to decide if it makes sense.

It's possible that he has a need for ppl to like him. That's why he lied to you. That's why he shares when he doesn't want to. That's why he forgives kids who break his trust.

I'm sure others will have more and better ideas. This is some I can think of.

Teach about doing the right thing vs trying to please. When you try to please and a person doesn't reciprocate it hurts. When you are trying to do the right thing it's not about the other person. I have a friend who told me "ppl only do things for others to get appreciation" NO! I don't. Maybe some ppl. But not most.

As a boy kids need to get a thick skin. Boys are mean. Period. Try to teach him to brush things off if possible. I will tel my son when he repeats a story of how a kid was mean that the kid was mean and for right now until he should find someone else to play. I like to frame it as kids learn as they grow up Abd right now this other kid still has maturing to do. Like this you leave the door open for friendship as the other kid does eventually mature.

Help him build a strong core. He is loveable without anyone approving of him. He needs to feel it from inside out and not from outside in.

Hatzlocha Rabba!

You sound like a great Mom!

amother

cornflower

Tue, May 07 2019, 9:15 am

no advice but was just talking to my dh about similar stuff. Our girls are thank G-d so sweet and it's hard to see them not be treated in kind. We never get any complaints about them being mean, people are happy to have them over... and then other kids aren't nice to them and it's so hard to watch. I wouldn't say my kids are "bullied" currently since I view bullying as more "ongoing" like if a 4 year old kid pinches my kid a few times and then the school deals with it and nothing happens for 5 months and then the kid teases my kid and then the school deals with that...

or if an elementary school girl tells my daughter that they'll review on the phone and then decides to do something else and doesn't bother calling my daughter to tell her.... I wouldn't call it bullying but it's just like- why are my kids so nice to other kids but other kids aren't as nice back?

In my case it's not even that my daughters are trying to "please" people or tit for tat, they are just sweet and want to do what's nice.

amother

Tue, May 07 2019, 9:28 am

behappy2 wrote:

That sounds very smart. Thank you. I'll talk to him about wanting to please. We have talked many times about brushing things off because he can by sensitive and the mean kids notice. We also talked about kids being mean and they'll hopefully iyh learn. thanks again.

oneofakind

Tue, May 07 2019, 9:48 am

Read him Rifka Schoenfeld's book My Friend the Bully. It's good because the antagonist is "sometimes nice and sometimes mean" and it makes the relationship confusing. It also gives tools for a child to protect themselves. It sounds like you have good discussions with him so you can discuss whether some of his "friends" are really bullies or not. You also want to talk about how he feels about himself ie. self esteem. Does he feel good about himself or not because if he doesn't, he'll be more passive, more dependent on other people's approval and more likely to be bullied. My motto, nobody will like you more than you like yourself.