Feeling disconnected and bitter

amother

Thu, May 09 2019, 6:48 am

I'm not really sure what I'm looking to gain from this post, but I also want to vent, and also looking for some ideas. I B"h have a good life. Have not suffered any really major tragedies or nisyonos. However, I sometimes get the feeling that I just wish things would be more smooth sailing. I set the bar really high, and then get disappointed when things don't work out the way I'd wished. I feel really child-like, and keep telling myself that Hashem doesn't owe me anything, and life is never going to be perfect, but I get really stuck on the smaller challenges. I feel like it's just been a string of things: I waited a few years to get married, waited a little bit to get pregnant, had a miscarriage, got pregnant again, was disappointed that it was a girl (pidyon haben), was overdue, had to be induced, suffered a 35 hour difficult labor that ended in a c section, am not nursing clean, gaining a ton of weight from nursing even though I eat nothing, have a hormonal issue that causes cystic acne so bad, I'm embarrassed to be seen in public, can't get a decent job, and the list goes on... Basically just average issues that everyone deals with, but I keep on getting frustrated that nothing could just come easily. This bitter voice in the back of my head "You're a good person, you follow all the halachos plus chessed... why can't things just go easily", and I just can't shut it up no matter what I tell myself.
On another related note, I keep blaming myself that this is all because I am very disconnected from Hashem. As a teenager, I had a very good connection, davened more, spoke to Him in my language, and just felt His presence in my life, but since I've gotten married and an B"h amazingly happy and busy, I kind of feel like I've chalilah "forgotten about Hashem" and feel selfish and just like I really miss what I used to have. I keep on promising myself to work on my connection, to try baby steps, even just davening birchos hashachar or mincha, or talking to Him throughout the day, but for some reason it just doesn't happen. I'm sure there are many that have gone through such a phase, but it's been several years now and I can't seem to get out of it. Any advice would be appreciated.

imasinger

Thu, May 09 2019, 6:59 am

It sounds like the first question to ask yourself is, "what are my real issues here?"

Go through this list in your OP, ask yourself which ones are really bothering you.

My hunch is that it may be the current issues (acne, weight gain, feeling of dissatisfaction) more than the fact that you waited a few years to find your zivug, or had a mc, or went through a hard labor and a c/s.

PPD might also be part of the picture, since a lot of the negatives you list come in connection with disappointment about the birth experience, gender, your appearance afterwards.

Please consider talking to a therapist. The way to greater happiness and connection to Hashem is by working through the bitterness, not by trying to shut it out altogether and describe yourself only as "amazingly happy and busy." Both may be true, so both need to be addressed.

Hugs and hatzlacha!

Last edited by imasinger on Thu, May 09 2019, 7:00 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Crimson

Thu, May 09 2019, 10:09 am

I think you answered your own question. I think you are mostly bothered by the fact that you don't feel connected, more than by the regular nisyonos. Probably because when you had regular nisyonos in the past you "talked" it through with hashem. Consider doing one small thing on a periodic (or daily/weekly basis if possible) to try to increase your connection.

Also don't get stuck on the mindset that you are getting these nisyonos because you are not so connected, but rather try to be more connected so that you are not as bothered by the regular nisyonos that are bound to happen.

southernbubby

Thu, May 09 2019, 10:41 am

I like the baby steps idea which can consist of showing gratitude to Hashem for even the smallest of things. Kind of like morning brachas where we acknowledge Hashem in every aspect of waking up and starting our day.

A Breslover here gave me a booklet about showing gratitude for even the bad that happens because we know that whatever Hashem does is good, even if we can't see it.

My neighbor always buys flowers for Shabbos because she feels like Hashem wants her to have them and she is grateful to Hashem for allowing her to appreciate the beauty. Maybe Hashem should "send" you flowers as well.

amother

Honeydew

Thu, May 09 2019, 11:38 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What I’ve found to help is to try to connect to Hashem in the small ways, right after I wake up and before I go to sleep send up a 5 minute prayer. I find it empowering to connect to myself and Him before I open my phone and connect to the world. On days that I do manage to daven Mincha on the way home from work I sometimes find myself so much more confident. Prayer is itself a mitzvah He wants to hear from us.