Invitations that are not invitations

amother

Lilac

Mon, May 13 2019, 2:44 pm

amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:

You are paid for. There is food at the KP.

Its not about you - its about the relationship. Not everyone is a good friend.

Of course not. I don't expect to be invited to weddings or other simchas of people who are not good friends.

Again, I understand completely that this is different in your community.

Why do you refuse to understand that in the world at large, its not done, and make some allowances for people who don't get that.

gamanit

Mon, May 13 2019, 2:47 pm

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

Anyone who shows up is greeted with a smile and told to sit down and enjoy the meal. Why do they have to be notified that they should have only been coming for dancing? It's fine. Unless the wedding is crowded the baalei simcha are generally happy to see anyone they invited (at all) come for the meal.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, May 13 2019, 2:48 pm

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

What community do you think I'm in?

The point I'm making is - "B-List" is a negative term. Acquaintance isn't. Its nice that people want all the good people in their lives around them when they get married.

amother

Lilac

Mon, May 13 2019, 2:48 pm

amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:

not really. Its evidence that a wedding invitation doesn't 'generally mean' come to all events surrounding this wedding.

Well, the ceremony and reception are considered separate events in many segments of society, and are often held at different venues, sometimes at different times. I hated some of my friends' weddings with afternoon ceremonies, night receptions, and two hours to kill in an ugly bridesmaid dress that I couldn't exactly wear to the park.

In any case, the invitation you linked was crystal clear. Small ceremony. Join us afterwards.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, May 13 2019, 2:52 pm

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

Great. Again demonstrating that there is no 'one way' to do this.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, May 13 2019, 3:02 pm

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

Touche.

But somehow, someway, when people like the OP misunderstand YOUR way of doing things, there's something wrong with it.

My way? What do you think my way is?

I've never been invited to a simcha where there was a meal that I was invited to, and it wasn't clearly stated that there was a meal for me to attend.

The only time I see that is for birthday parties for small children - and you figure out based on the time for the party whether the kids will be fed or not.

All invitations are real invitations. None should be ignored.

dankbar

Mon, May 13 2019, 3:54 pm

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

Touche.

But somehow, someway, when people like the OP misunderstand YOUR way of doing things, there's something wrong with it.

So when my mom made simchas & we had lots of guests that weren't from our vircle, we did expect them from beginning to end.
First off all my mom wanted them there & she knew when they get invitation they are there the minute the event is called for.

In fact, by smaller events where she knew till chassidim will arrive to meal, the other guest will be bored & hungry till meal starts, she set up a salad bar especially for these guests

gamanit

Mon, May 13 2019, 4:08 pm

dragoneye126 wrote:

Honest question here- if you are invited for chuppah, dancing, and dessert, what do you do when the family/close friends are having dinner?

People choose whether to come for kaballas panim and chuppah or dancing and dessert. You don't generally go to both. If you feel close enough that you'd like to be by both you're probably welcome to stay for the meal.

amother

Powderblue

Mon, May 13 2019, 4:11 pm

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

SIGH.

That's wonderful. I do get it. I've gotten it from years of being on this board.

But how about YOU get that invitations of this type are limited to a very small sub-set of right-wing Jewish society, and that outside of that group -- and perhaps readers here -- its not done. Its the sort of thing that would get you labeled as a money-grubbing bridezilla. These are your B-list people, and you're making it obvious, which is not considered polite in general society.

So instead of being so ethnocentric and "our way is wonderful and everyone must understand it," how about engaging in a little clarity, and maybe even a little sympathy for people like OP who don't live in your little enclave. Instead of leaving them to wonder, make it clear.

Well you're saying you do understand it NOW, but OP's posts make it clear this is an ongoing source of confusion. That is what I do not get. The whole -sometimes invitations aren't' really invitations so who ever knows what to do? - as per the title of this thread- business is just strange to me. Anything new is confusing. The first time I went out to eat with my corporate colleagues I made a bunch of faux pas (faux pases?). Now I know what to do. The first time I presented a client's board meeting I also didn't know certain business unspoken rules. Now I do. I don't spend the rest of my life resentful that I didn't instantly have a good sense of corporate etiquette the day I started my first job in corporate America. But yet while you now understand the nuances of the rules of this new community you find yourself in, OP maintains- in her very title - that she still doesn't know when she is really ever invited. The rules may be new, strange, wrong, completely at odds with the rest of America, but once you know them, they are not complicated.

gamanit

Mon, May 13 2019, 4:48 pm

cm wrote:

[/b]

This one.

People coming for dancing and dessert are coming to dance with the kallah/family and share in their simcha. You don't have to witness the chuppah to share the joy in the occasion.

l'havdil it's like going to a wedding reception without going to the ceremony which is becoming more and more common.

amother

Purple

Mon, May 13 2019, 5:00 pm

gamanit wrote:

For those who are still confused or have any further questions, please read what Gamanit says:
it is either:
1. kabbalat panim and chuppah
OR
2. dancing and dessert

it is very OK not to be at the chuppah (the wedding ceremony if someone didn't get it). In chareidi circles in EY it is extremely common for the yeshiva bachurim or the kallahs friends to only participate in dancing and dessert.

for those who attend either nr 1 or nr 2 (see explanations above) you are most certainly NOT expected to bring a gift.

All clear and fully explained now?

watergirl

Mon, May 13 2019, 6:18 pm

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

Actually, I’ve been invited MANY times for literally KP/Chuppah/dancing. There are two rounds of dancing. Whats the issue with it? Everyone mills around during the first course which is served before dancing - thats when the chossin and kallah are in yichud and pictures anyways. They come in, salad course ends and everyone dances. First round of dancing ends, meal is served and everyone leaves who isn't staying for the meal. Then there is the second round of dancing.

Come on people. By now, you have surely had time to realize that there are many many ways to do this.

sky

Mon, May 13 2019, 6:27 pm

dragoneye126 wrote:

Honest question here- if you are invited for chuppah, dancing, and dessert, what do you do when the family/close friends are having dinner?

Come for any part you want. Normally people only do this for people who live nearby, not for out of town.

Personally I feel getting a kiddush or chuppah only invite for out of town is insulting.
DH thinks it isn’t and just shows we are thinking of you.

amother

Indigo

Mon, May 13 2019, 8:45 pm

Coming for dancing and dessert is a wonderful option if it's hard or impossible to leave the house before your young kids are in bed.

On a practical level, a chuppah/dancing invite gives you the flexibility of not needing to know in advance whether you are going or not, or when.

In terms of culture, when I lived OOT, everyone was invited to everything except students or if the baal simchah was a rav of a kehillah or school. Now I live in town and we get a lot of chuppah invites, which is fine. My parents and even more OOT in-laws don't really get it. By my in-laws, the entire community is always invited to everything.