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How to raise sons who will be good husbands
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 8:00 am
So many of us struggle with husbands who don't help, who don't understand what life is all about, who don't understand the little things that would make their wives happy etc.
My boys are very little, 5 and 1, but I think this begins in early childhood.
Let's hear your thoughts and tips.
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MitzadSheini




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 8:01 am
Daven. And even then realize this is not in your control.

Obviously - try to teach them to be considerate of others. Etc etc.

But you control none of the outcomes.

Also - let's stop blaming a man's bad behaviour on his mother.
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singleagain




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 8:08 am
Teach them the same things you would teach your daughters. If you would teach daughters how to do laundry, cook and shop.. teach your sons the same. And.. I would say to teach your daughters like your sons. (Plumbing, electric, etc)

I realize I'm bring very stereotypical but a lot of what I read here, seems to be issues of not helping with household tasks. So teach them how to help when they are younger . And that it's expected of them.
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allthingsblue




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 8:18 am
Give them responsibilities, chores around the house (when they get a little older). Teach them to be considerate of others.
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yOungM0mmy




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 8:36 am
Teach them that a family is a team. We all pitch in to make everyone happy.

Insist on manners, saying thank you, clearing their dishes off the table, putting their dirty clothes away, having a role in Shabbos preps on Friday and helping to clear off the Shabbos table, brushing teeth and changing underwear daily...
My boys are 10, 11 and 12, know how to do laundry under my guidance even if they don't hang it up so straight, each know how to cook something and will learn more basic dishes even if they don't want to be elaborate cooks (they can do rice, pasta, instant couscous, tuna, salad and blondies - neither they or their future wives/kids will starve if they have to make supper occasionally). They know how to hold babies and adore their younger sisters and cousins, and this week my 11 year old son learned how to sweep the floor. Didnt do a perfect job, but passable, and pretty good for a first time.
Thank gd my husband is also a hands on father and house work helper even if I still do the majority, so they have a pretty good example.
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mrsjay




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 8:37 am
I do say a lot of it can go back to the parents, that can be a relationship model for any child to follow. in the event that a husband does not treat his wife with respect and loving care I do think it’s vital that the mother puts that much work into teaching her sons the right way to treat a women and showing that she herself won’t accept that behavior...
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thunderstorm




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 9:03 am
In addition to all of the above, address any emotional health issues , social issues etc when they are still under your care. Much of the unempathetic behavior, not caring or being unloving is a result of issues that were not addressed when the guy (or gal) was growing up. It's not all about the "know how to do things around the house and the responsibility".
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amother




Chocolate


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 9:39 am
Don't send them off to a dorm, where they won't see a healthy marriage close up. And if you absolutely must send them away, then when they come home don't treat them like princes who don't lift a finger while their mother and sisters do all the work.
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top mom




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 9:40 am
In my husband's family, I find that the fact that his mother never states her needs, makes her kids, especially the boys, think that she has endless patience and energy. I wish she would have told my husband, "mommy is tired now, please get your own spoon..." Etc
Her husband and kids think she's a machine that doesn't ever need to recharge, and she doesn't bother correcting them. Her boys automatically assume that their wives are the same, and we have to keep on reminding them that we're human and limited.
So another thing I'll teach my boys iyh is to see and feel others, and not to be so entitled.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 9:47 am
amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:
Don't send them off to a dorm, where they won't see a healthy marriage close up. And if you absolutely must send them away, then when they come home don't treat them like princes who don't lift a finger while their mother and sisters do all the work.

It's interesting that you say this. I see so much more growth in empathy and responsibility since my DS is in a dorm. He had to learn that he has to be curteous to others and that he can not walk around with smelly socks or stinky feet out of respect to others around him.
He has to be on top of his laundry and take it to the laundry mat, sit and wait until his loads are done and fold it on his own.
He even does light "housekeeping" in the dorm and they pay him for it because he does such a nice job.
He often cooks himself dinner because the dinner is not always healthy and he's trying to lose weight and be healthy.
His Rosh yeshiva is very focused on family and the bachurim are all involved and see the way a family works as a team.
I guess it depends on the dorm, but my son has grown by leaps and bounds since he's there.
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amother




Taupe


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 9:51 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So many of us struggle with husbands who don't help, who don't understand what life is all about, who don't understand the little things that would make their wives happy etc.
My boys are very little, 5 and 1, but I think this begins in early childhood.
Let's hear your thoughts and tips.


This happens because we keep them isolated in their own bubble - that learning is absolutely the only avenue they need to focus on. If they do that, everything else will be catered to them. The whole household will revolve around them, making sure they get taken care and pampered accordingly so they can learn. The sisters, the mothers, the wives, all are at their disposal to step up to the plate to do what needs to be done, while they just deserve and are entitled to be expecting all of it because they learn Torah.

If we teach the boys, that everyone has their tafkid. And while their tafkid is learning the Torah, it doesn't absolve them of the rest of the responsibilities in life. They need to be taught what all the amothers have mentioned in the above posts, but most of all, life is a teamwork. Everyone chips in, and lends a helping hand to one another, to be able to have a beautiful life, both in ruchniyus and gashmiyus.
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amother




Lilac


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 10:04 am
Emphasize middos and insist your sons help out in the house as much as the girls. Don't worry so much that helping out will come at the expense of their Torah learning.

I have a good friend whose brothers used to clean her mother's house for Pesach. They helped out tons, and their mother said she was preparing them to be good husbands, so her DIL's wouldn't have any complaints to her. Their learning didn't suffer in the least - two of them are well-known marbitzei Torah today, names you recognize in the Yeshiva world, top boys with good middos as well.
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amother




Lilac


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 10:10 am
amother [ Taupe ] wrote:
This happens because we keep them isolated in their own bubble - that learning is absolutely the only avenue they need to focus on. If they do that, everything else will be catered to them. The whole household will revolve around them, making sure they get taken care and pampered accordingly so they can learn. The sisters, the mothers, the wives, all are at their disposal to step up to the plate to do what needs to be done, while they just deserve and are entitled to be expecting all of it because they learn Torah.

If we teach the boys, that everyone has their tafkid. And while their tafkid is learning the Torah, it doesn't absolve them of the rest of the responsibilities in life. They need to be taught what all the amothers have mentioned in the above posts, but most of all, life is a teamwork. Everyone chips in, and lends a helping hand to one another, to be able to have a beautiful life, both in ruchniyus and gashmiyus.


You said this so much better than I.

My sibling has brilliant, genius sons. They are top learners, but don't help. She doesn't teach them to lift a finger. Now that her daughter is married, she tells me how exhausted she is. Over Y"T she cooked, served, and cleared gourmet meals all on her own with no help. She told me the only meal she had help was when they invited a guest, and the wife helped.

We had a family gathering where all the girls helped shlep chairs downstairs after the meal. Her son went into a side room, clearly to get out of helping (no, not because he's uncomfortable around the girls - not the type. Other nephews were helping out.) I feel sad for them. When I ask about a boy for my daughters, I ask if he's the type of boy who helps out, whether family or in yeshiva....
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amother




Oak


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 11:59 am
thunderstorm wrote:
It's interesting that you say this. I see so much more growth in empathy and responsibility since my DS is in a dorm. He had to learn that he has to be curteous to others and that he can not walk around with smelly socks or stinky feet out of respect to others around him.
He has to be on top of his laundry and take it to the laundry mat, sit and wait until his loads are done and fold it on his own.
He even does light "housekeeping" in the dorm and they pay him for it because he does such a nice job.
He often cooks himself dinner because the dinner is not always healthy and he's trying to lose weight and be healthy.
His Rosh yeshiva is very focused on family and the bachurim are all involved and see the way a family works as a team.
I guess it depends on the dorm, but my son has grown by leaps and bounds since he's there.

Exactly what I was thinking. My dorm boys grew so much and became more independent. My dh also lived away from home for many years and he is very helpful and independent. It helps that my boys see that in my dh.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 12:06 pm
I would overlook helping around the house, if we could afford a housekeeper a few hours a week.

What is not negotiable is

Empathy
Kindness
Affection (not just zex)
Honesty
Integrity
Listening
Social Skills
Responsibility
Mutual respect

He should basically have all the attributes he would want in a wife. Remind him that the ketubah says that he should honor his wife MORE than he does himself.
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carnation




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 12:21 pm
amother [ Oak ] wrote:
Exactly what I was thinking. My dorm boys grew so much and became more independent. My dh also lived away from home for many years and he is very helpful and independent. It helps that my boys see that in my dh.


From what I've seen, the bolded is key.
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roses




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 5:06 pm
Also, try not to expose your naked body to them.
I didn't think this needs to be said, but apparently it does
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amother




Aquamarine


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 5:06 pm
carnation wrote:
From what I've seen, the bolded is key.

Yes! Nothing replaces a good role model!
And teach them to be independent!
You have no more ironed shirt,sorry honey go iron one!
Your button fell off, sew it back on!
(Yes, my boys know how to do everything, they dont always want to!! LOL )
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smileforamile




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 5:12 pm
This is what I see from my male cousins: Their father doesn't only pull his weight around the house and treat women with respect, but he talks to his sons explicitly about it.

Also, make sure that your sons are expected to do chores around the house. A lot of boys are conditioned that they're exempt from work because they have long hours at school. Yes, they do, but that shouldn't have an impact on whether they clear the table or take out the garbage or do the dishes.

As for the comment about the dorm, I actually disagree strongly. I don't think a dorm helps a boy become a better husband at all. Most of the boys I dated who had been in a dorm for several years were glorified teenagers with a sense of entitlement to match.
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happy12




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 13 2019, 5:47 pm
Don't marry them off before they are ready, maturity wise, mentally and emotionally.
Even if there are siblings behind them.
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