How to raise sons who will be good husbands

Mon, May 13 2019, 11:03 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

Give them responsibilities, chores around the house (when they get a little older). Teach them to be considerate of others.

Even when they're young. 2 is not too young to help take baby's pamper to the garbage can, to smile and talk to baby, to help set the table (easy stuff of course), take his clothes to the hamper, etc.
The earlier you start the easier it is.
Tell them what you like and dislike in terms of behavior, food, activities, holidays etc. Ask them back what they like.
Put your heart into it as much as your head. They need you to be affectionate to them just like girls. Ask them to be affectionate back to you.
Give them responsibility aside from learning, of course age appropriate.
These are just what popped up in my mind on the spare of the moment. I'll most likely find more as time goes by.

amother

Hotpink

Tue, May 14 2019, 12:07 am

thunderstorm wrote:

In addition to all of the above, address any emotional health issues , social issues etc when they are still under your care. Much of the unempathetic behavior, not caring or being unloving is a result of issues that were not addressed when the guy (or gal) was growing up. It's not all about the "know how to do things around the house and the responsibility".

I agree. My DS has Aspergers and with it comes many social issues. He’s very intelligent scholastically, but learning how to understand and relate to others and treat people the right way are things that are an ongoing process for him to learn.

He’s been having therapy for several years now and will continue for as long as he needs to. I keep telling my husband that I cannot let him get married when he is an adult until he is in a good place, I cannot do that to some poor girl. It’s my responsibility as his parent to make sure he has the ability to be a good husband (obviously that’s not my only goal for him, but I’m saying this in regards to this thread). At least in regards to the social aspect.

A psychologist told me that he has many couples coming to him for counseling, with the husband having undiagnosed/untreated Aspergers. This obviously has the potential to cause many issues in a marriage. It’s sad when parents just ignore their child’s issues (not just Aspergers of course) and don’t get them the help they need in order to be healthy socially and emotionally.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, May 14 2019, 1:13 am

I think everyone is over emphasizing the importance of housework and underemphasizing the importance of teaching and expecting good middos and emotional health.

Dh grew up with a stay at home mom and never did much except before pesach - but he did grow up with fantastic parents who modeled kind and considerate behavior, have a wondeful marriage, and expected such behavior from all their kids (the worst thing he could do as a kid was to insult someone else or be chutzpadig). From dayone in our marriage he has helped me a ton and is a wonderful husband (it helps that I know how to ask for help and was patient in teaching him how to- wash dishes, do laundry, sweep....)

I have a bunch of single teen/ early twenties brothers. They all have very different personalities and very different strengths and weaknesses. They all help alot at home and what I think my dad modeled best and what you see in all of them is the fact that they all are conbstantly working on themselves, are open and accepting of critisism of their behavior and character if it is given lovingly and acceptingly, and understand that it is their responsibility to own their own charcter flaws both before they get married and afterwards. My parents always presented the running of the home and family as a team effort - there where times where my dad worked crazy hours and did nothing at home and there where times where he cooked, cleaned, did laundry, bedtime, and homework while my mom worked.

One brother is shidduch age but is not in shidduchim because he realizes that he is not yet fully (his improved a ton) able to empathize and understand where other people are coming from (he has aspergers) he is in therapy and in a mussar vaad and we all see major changes in him. I think that when he is ready and with the right girl he will be a fantastic husband because he constantly tries to make himself a better person. He is supper helpful at home evan though he is not so organized happily does whatever asked of him if he has clear instructions and is really helpful with little kids.....

Another brother was an exteremely critical kid - always had a smart sharp line to put someone down with.He also wouldn't lift a finger at home. Since his bar mitzvah he has been working on this and in the past three/ four years I have never heard a critical comment from him, he is always finding nice things to say to people, comes home from yeshiva and makes my mom sit on the couch with a tea while he washes the floors, irons , does dishes ect...

My point is that I believe talking and valuing good middos as a process, understanding that hashem gave us flaws to work on because he wants us to do the work, focusing and valuing emotional health is what makes good spouses (boys and girls) more then teaching specific skills.

amother

Brown

Tue, May 14 2019, 4:58 am

As already sad teach them the same as you teach your daughters, as in working in the household and everything, and teach your daughter ''men'' things like handyman things you know.
Let them honour their mother, and sometimes let your son play with dolls and daughters with cars. They teach how to take care on a good age.
DH was always making sandwiches for instance and changed his younger sisters when his mother was not feeling well and his father was away. Like he was 14 and could change and bath his baby sister it was natural for him. My dad teached me how to change lights and how to repair things.
But especially honour their mother and let them read for instnace Rabbi Twerski book on relationships. He says he was studying while feeding his baby at night and that were the most amazing times. The mitzwa of the husband is to help in the household, there are stories about a man who went to his rosh yeshivha and he teached him how to mop the floor that kind of things...

behappy2

Tue, May 14 2019, 7:24 am

I think the simple answer is be a parent. Love them so they can feel loved and love others. Nurture them so they could be whole. Create a safe environment so they could learn to be vulnerable. Model good middos and teach it again and again and again. Have their friends over, watch them with their siblings and correct behavior that isn't ok. Kids don't raise themselves. When they do we have lost all opportunity to guide them, mold them and nurture them.

As a side point I really don't think you need to teach your boys to do domestic tasks. Hashem made boys and girls different. In mitzrayim Paroh switched it As a punishment. My husband washed one pot in the last five years and swept once. He never mopped, barely does laundry and doesn't in general clean up he has wonderful middos though and will try to hep in whichever way he can when he is able. It's nice to have a husband who is helpful but it isn't necessary for a good marriage. Teach your girls to hire cleaning ladies. Teach your boys to care.

mig100

Tue, May 14 2019, 9:14 am

behappy2 wrote:

Beautiful post!

I agree with everything especially second paragraph and bolded. I have a feeling this is not such a popular opinion....

Whatever works for everyone is fine..

Chayalle

Tue, May 14 2019, 9:35 am

I find it interesting that in the same thread, some posters say to teach girls to be handy like men....and some say not to teach boys to do domestic tasks.

Recently, DH and I had the opportunity to speak with Rabbi Jacobs SH"A, Mashgiach in BMG, and a question in Chinuch came up. He was not aware that DH and I don't have boys, and he mentioned that boys should be taught to help out at home just like girls are. I was very gratified to hear this from him.

Even if in many marriages the woman is the one more domestically inclined (and this is not always true. It happens to be true for me, but I know plenty of woman who are not!) it helps if the husband can pitch in at some percentage when needed. I might do the lions share of the housework, but the fact that DH will throw in a load, vacuum a room, or wash dishes when I need extra help, am tired, etc.... makes a huge difference to me. I don't think it's such Avodas Perach for him, and it makes me feel supported. Cleaning ladies are great, but they aren't always available, don't always show (mine didn't show up as she promised they year DD was born the week before Pesach) or affordable.

amother

Smokey

Tue, May 14 2019, 11:09 am

behappy2 wrote:

As a side point I really don't think you need to teach your boys to do domestic tasks. Hashem made boys and girls different. In mitzrayim Paroh switched it As a punishment. My husband washed one pot in the last five years and swept once. He never mopped, barely does laundry and doesn't in general clean up he has wonderful middos though and will try to hep in whichever way he can when he is able. It's nice to have a husband who is helpful but it isn't necessary for a good marriage. Teach your girls to hire cleaning ladies. Teach your boys to care.

Most women would love to hire cleaning ladies or a full timelive in to help with domestic tasks, but WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU CANT AFFORD IT?? I think many wives who are overwhelmed are smart enough to know how to hire cleaning ladies, but most of the time the men are not earning enough money for that.

And, you said you dont think boys need to learn domestic tasks because paroh did I in mitzraim and switched the roles of men and women....
Ok, so do you agree that if boys shouldn't do domestic tasks then women shouldn't work which is a "men's task"??? It can't go both ways and many women are working(men's task) not by choice. I'm curious to hear your view.

Amalia

Tue, May 14 2019, 11:14 am

amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:

I am blown away by this post, especially by your description of your brother with aspergers and your brother with a critical eye and tongue - how they work on themselves! Amazing. Thank you for posting.

keym

Tue, May 14 2019, 11:28 am

Chayalle wrote:

I once had a conversation with a rav about raising children in general.
He strongly encouraged to teach all children girls and boys how to do everything- cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, caring for kids, basic house maintenance, budgeting and balancing the checkbook.
His point was that a person who actually knows what's involved in doing the job is much more appreciative of the person doing it.
Even if my son were to marry superwoman (who doesn't exist) and have dollars pouring from his ears to hire people. Knowing what's involved whether it's in his wife cooking supper, or his mother folding the laundry, or the cleaning lady scrubbing the toilet makes him more appreciative of the details.

behappy2

Tue, May 14 2019, 8:38 pm

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

Very much so. I work very part time. My attitude is that woman should only work if it`s a job that really enhances your life. Men have a natural drive to protect and as such are much more ok working at a job that doesn't fill them up. Woman don't have that drive. We have a drive to nurture our families and want to be our best so we can do that.

Unfortunately there are woman who don't have a choice. But for the majority of woman this is what believe.

amother

Smokey

Tue, May 14 2019, 9:35 pm

behappy2 wrote:

Thanks for responding. It seemed from your original post that you were not forced to work or at least you got to choose and work by choice only. Unfortunately, my husband has been unlucky""" in jobs no matter how much he wants to support so its almost like hashen wants us to "switch roles". And, my friends dh got laid off so shes also forced to work in jobs that are grueling so if my mil wouldve taught their sons to do domestic jobs, it be so much easier for women who are forced to work and cant afford help. And, those men can then be better husbands if they are not "pulling their weight" in the job department, if they were laid off or...so maybe sometimes hashem wants a switch. In that case, its important for the boys to be able to do domestic duties.

Mommyg8

Tue, May 14 2019, 10:15 pm

behappy2 wrote:

I'm trying to figure out how cleaning bathrooms is inherently feminine... or why cooking for a crowd is ok for a man as long as it comes with the title chef (most of the best chefs are male)... and how complicated is it to put clothes into a washing machine? (Machines, boys, why is this not a male job?)

I do agree with you that the most important thing you can teach your children - both sons and daughters - is to be emotionally healthy, act appropriately, learn responsibility, and of course, have good middos. And it doesn't really matter how much housework your son or daughter actually do before they get married.

But I do think it's important for your child to know how to do household tasks (both boys and girls). And I think it is especially important for a boy to understand that he has to pitch in when and if it's necessary. Cleaning help is not always available or may not show up, cleaning help don't do everything in any case, and what if the wife is working as well? Is it fair that she should work and do ALL the housework as well?

Too many people think they're sons are the next R Chaim Kanievsky, but let me tell you, I have plenty of men in my family who are learning, are masmidim, and help plenty in the house as well. And that's how it should be.