Be honest: How much do your kids fight?

asmileaday

Mon, May 13 2019, 8:56 pm

My kids fight too. But not so often. I teach everyone to take a breather and let's talk through our problems. Then I let them each say their side and ask we should come to a solution together.
It takes a lot out of me and I'll admit, sometimes I just don't have the energy. I'll say, just stop fighting!
Other times I'll tell them, just wait and see when you grow up you'll be best buddies!
The brother I bickered the most with as a kid, is my best friend now. So I know it's normal.

I also feel there's a difference between bickering and serious fighting. I know people who fought with anger and intensity with their siblings and still hate each other today. That I think is problematic.
The way my kids fight, I see that it's just a result of shared space, shared time and just learning to live with others. It annoys me but doesn't worry me. They also play together beautifully and look out for each other.

smss

Mon, May 13 2019, 9:11 pm

My kids are younger than yours, but it's been pretty intense here lately too.
I got the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber & Mazlish and it's been helping a lot. I'd recommend it.

Tzutzie

Mon, May 13 2019, 9:17 pm

Oh. My kids are 4 and almost 6.

It used to be nonstop fighting. Like literally, if they weren't in separate rooms there were fights.
I couldn't even use the bathroom for 30 seconds. Twisted Evil

As they have gotten older (especially the little one) it has gotten better. Now they actually play nicely more often than not. And look out for each other. It warms my heart to see it.

When the kids are bored tehilim fight a lot more.
So I always have some toys accessible downstairs, they each have a puzzle or game that I keep in their room and upstairs there are always crayons and coloring pencils and a coloring book on the little table.....
Occupations for prevention and distraction for intervention works best around here.

Once, I asked my kids if they have ever seen me yell, push or pull my sister's /their aunt's hair. Or hurt them.
They both smirked at each other. LOL

Tue, May 14 2019, 4:30 am

the fighting in my house is terrible. bunch of kids all ages. lots of strong personalities combined with impulsive add tendencies. I don't have solutions but interested in seeing what others have to say.
I daven for there to be shalom in my home but right now I don't see any end in sight.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, May 14 2019, 5:22 am

When they are together, they fight!

And if they are playing rowdy, it WILL end in a fight!

Eitzah: zero tolerance for name calling and foul language. “Do not speak that way, Ever” in firm tone.

Repeat, Repeat, Repeat!

yerushamama

Tue, May 14 2019, 5:39 am

I have heard of people where for every insult, the child has to come up with three compliments. When I tried it with my parentagers, they just laughed at me

amother

Rose

Tue, May 14 2019, 6:52 am

amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:

I second your advice. Totally.

Chayalle

Tue, May 14 2019, 6:56 am

Not much, but their ages are so disparate that there's not much opportunity.

I once met someone who knew my two older sisters in camp. She remembered that they visited each other to get even and continue where they had left off fighting.

Today they are very close B"H.

My mother's friend's twin sons used to beat each other up till she thought she'd lose her mind. One day, they both came home from school looking worse than usual - black eyes, sore cheeks, etc....what happened? "someone started up with my brother, and I let him have it...."....at the end of the day, they loved each other.

So hang in there!

amother

Copper

Tue, May 14 2019, 7:07 am

Dh and I have different views on this. I have no full siblings, only much younger half siblings, so I never really fought with my siblings and while I've seen them fight with each other on occasion, I've never really been around them enough to get a sense of how frequent it is or how bad it can get. Dh, on the other hand, has siblings close in age and apparently he and the brother above him fought like cats and dogs. Like relatives STILL tease Dh and BIL about it now, how it's a miracle they didn't literally kill each other (and yes, they are absolute best friends now, they talk to each other every day and of all the siblings, they are closest with each other).

So while dh acknowledges that our kids do fight, and while I completely understand that it's totally normal for siblings to fight, I feel like their fighting is excessive and over the top, and dh feels like it's nothing compared to what he and his brother were like. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle LOL

amother

Pink

Tue, May 14 2019, 7:12 am

Hmm I just remembered that dh and the sister right above him used to absolutely torture each other as kids. Much much worse than anything my kids are doing. Once they became adults they actually grew very close and still have a great relationship today. So I guess there is hope....

amother

Orchid

Tue, May 14 2019, 7:17 am

My older sister used to degrade me all the time. The verbal put downs were awful. And I didn't have the language to fight back or the emotional capacity either. My mother did nothing. I don't talk to my family anymore. ever.

Fighting is normal. But put-downs can hurt if gone unchecked.

In my home, YOU.ARE.NOT.ALLOWED.TO.HURT.

Roughhousing is one thing. Teasing when friendly is another. But physical force and meanness is not Ok.

My daughter went somewhere with a neighbor and she came home horrified at how they were swinging at each other and yelling at each other in the car with her there and the mom did nothing. I know its hard... But my advice would be to look at your children's faces and find the limits in what they are feeling.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, May 14 2019, 7:17 am

I have DD5.5, DD3.5, and DS1.5.

The two DD's fight frequently, but also are very close and affectionate and play nicely frequently. A lot of the times they have tension it's because one thinks something's "not fair" that the other one got or didn't have to do.

The younger DD loves to play with DS and feed him and teach him things, but also gets very mad at him sometimes when he takes her stuff or interferes with her games or pulls her hair.

Older DD virtually never gets mad at DS, I think she considers him too much of a baby to be mad at. If he is annoying her, she gets mad at me or DH for not stopping him quickly enough, but not at DS.

amother

Salmon

Tue, May 14 2019, 7:38 am

yerushamama wrote:

I have heard of people where for every insult, the child has to come up with three compliments. When I tried it with my parentagers, they just laughed at me

What are parentagers? Is that preteen?
This works with my preteens as a distraction more than shalom making.
I also heard from Pearl Abramowitz to give the 'victim' a little something every time 'bully' hurts. This works for me too--if I can figure out whoo the victim is and who the bully is Tongue Out

More bec. it distracts the victim and the 'bully' sulks for not getting anything.
Don't think it can work for much older than pretteen age, though.

amother

Rose

Tue, May 14 2019, 8:06 am

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

I identify with your pain. A mother who does not interfere when hearing verbal abuse is an enabler of abuse.
Sounds like a dysfunctional home. Or am I wrong?

amother

Ivory

Tue, May 14 2019, 8:41 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Hmm. Disappointed. Was hoping to hear something else. I have tried this, but it doesn't work at all in my experience. If anything, it backfires.

I was saying it because I talked and begged and explained and tried all technics but nothing helped. Now I realized that at this age they don’t respond to logic or empathy. I should have put stricter boundaries because this is the only thing that this age respond to.

Ema of 5

Tue, May 14 2019, 8:50 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

And at what age does it end?

My kids have been fighting more than ever before over the past year or two.

Specifically my older ones , DS12, DD10, DD9. Cannot get through one morning routine or car ride or meal without bickering, sniping, annoying, etc.
Lots of "shut up!" And "you're such an idiot!" From my oldest who thinks he has the most annoying siblings ever and can't handle the girls singing or wildness,

Cringeworthy language for DH and I who both grew up in more refined homes. Punishing doesn't help - he'd be punished all day.

So sad that this is what our family looks like.

Is this normal?????

Unfortunately my kids look like this too. I have one kid who recently started using seriously foul language, and I’m hoping my other kids don’t pick up on it. My kids are 12, almost 10, 7, and 3.

amother

Rose

Tue, May 14 2019, 10:25 am

Ema of 4 wrote:

Unfortunately my kids look like this too. I have one kid who recently started using seriously foul language, and I’m hoping my other kids don’t pick up on it. My kids are 12, almost 10, 7, and 3.

Sorry to tell you but siblings do pick it up. Nip it in the bud and fast.