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Blatant disrespect in 9 year old girl

 
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, May 14 2019, 10:36 pm
What is the best way to handle it? It is hard for me to have a good relationship with her when she is disrespectful to me very often. She doesn't hesitate calling me names, kicking me sometimes, laughing in my face when I'm trying to send her upstairs or scold her for something or the other. It takes a long time for her to calm down and I also get pretty worked up after an incident and I have a very hard time relating to her in a nice way afterward (she doesn't really apologize or realize how disrespectful she is - in general, when I try to tell her she gets even more disrespectful, calling me a hypocrite and all sorts of things I'd never have answered my parents back). This happens at least a few times a week. I've told her our relationship has to be on a basis of respect that she must have for me which is lacking - otherwise we will not be able to have a nice relationship, but there is no change. What should I do when she is in disrespect mode that will be an appropriate consequence and help her get back to the right track without having her resort to further disrespect?
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amother




Green


Post  Tue, May 14 2019, 10:40 pm
What you're describing goes much, much deeper than "disrespect." Has she ever been evaluated? Have you ever seen a therapist to learn how to develop a better relationship with her? There are so many possible areas to improve, but you really need professional involvement at this point.
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, May 14 2019, 10:44 pm
She does see a psychologist weekly and I've had some parent sessions, but I still feel at a loss how to deal with her during and after these "episodes" of disrespect and wondering if anyone has any good ideas.
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amother




Green


Post  Tue, May 14 2019, 10:46 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She does see a psychologist weekly and I've had some parent sessions, but I still feel at a loss how to deal with her during and after these "episodes" of disrespect and wondering if anyone has any good ideas.


Truly the best person to advise you would be her therapist. It sounds like you would benefit from regular sessions for some time, until you feel that things are under control.
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, May 14 2019, 11:07 pm
Ok, thank you. I realize my situation may be more extreme than usual, but I'm wondering what is a good way in general in the moment to deal with disrespect from your children if it's of a more blatant variety? What do you say to your children & what types of consequences are most appropriate?
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amother




Floralwhite


Post  Tue, May 14 2019, 11:12 pm
It's probably not the best idea to respond with negativity when she is trying to provoke you. That usually feeds the negative cycle.

She also needs you to model emotional regulation, calmness, appropriate communication, etc. when there is conflict. She is probably also the type of child that needs to feel understood and respected
How you communicate with her, and show her respect and gentleness, will set the tone for your interactions with her
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amother




Scarlet


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 12:24 am
Read the explosive child by Ross green. His insight is very valuable. Additionally, my daughter used to hold things in and not express herself until she exploded and of course mommy was to blame for everything!!
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LiLIsraeli




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 12:36 am
I wouldn't even call this disrespect. It doesn't sound like it has anything to do with you. Something's going on inside her and causing her to lash out. She's not giving you a hard time, she's having a hard time.

Maybe if you are able to reframe it and see it as less of a threat to you, you will be able to respond without getting into a power struggle.

ETA: Also, if you are sending her upstairs or scolding her several times a week, maybe it's time to rethink your overall strategy. It sounds like this child needs a different kind of parenting. Try reading about the Nurtured Heart approach, by Howard Glasser.
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amother




Beige


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 4:56 am
Read Miriam Adahan's parenting book (maybe raising children to care?)
Her main point (my take on the book) is that kids need 2 things: love (show affection it and mean it! especially now that its hard for you) and respect (treat them like an adult, as you would want to be treated and spoken to). Of course they need boundries etc., but the main thing is love and respect.

The 9 yr. reminds me of myself. Yes, indeed I was going through a hard time at home and at school and taking it out on my mother. But at least my mother was grateful that I was mainly acting up at home. If you're taking her for therapy and getting guidance than you are already in a good place instead of brushing things under the carpet...

I mentioned her book because even though you shouldn't take it personally, I remember feeling like why should I respect you when you don't respect me...

Alot of Hatzlacha!
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Iymnok




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 5:57 am
After an episode, when she’s calmed down, give her a hug and tell her you love her. She’s feeling vulnerable and needs the support.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 6:23 am
Here's an odd question - how old were you when you started your period?

A year or two leading up to the first period can be very volatile. The back talk is called "differentiation". She's asserting herself as an individual, and making herself as different from you as possible.

This is very painful for both of you, but it's a healthy part of developing a sense of self. It shows that she's not completely enmeshed with you, and that she wants to be independent.

Of course this does not excuse bad behavior, but it does explain a lot of it. Find ways to look for the good in her, and don't get reactive when she acts out. Be as neutral as possible, and don't feed the drama. If you can't ignore the behavior, use natural consequences. Try to avoid feeling triggered, and don't react out of anger (ha! easier said than done.)
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imasinger




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 6:42 am
You might find it helpful to record ABC data. (Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence)

For a week, write down:

- What was going on just before an incident? What was the activity DD was doing, or was being asked to do?

- Did anything happen that could cause upset in the hour before? The course of that day?

- What exactly did she do in that incident?

- What was your response to the incident; what consequence happened for her because of it?

This information can be extremely helpful to show to a good therapist, who can help you look at patterns.

There is a book I like called "The Behavior Code", that explains how all behavior is a form of communication, and sometimes, we don't "hear" the message, but once we do, we can shape better ways to communicate.

There may be more than one pattern.

Maybe it's trouble transitioning. Maybe it's a need for more positive attention. Maybe it's something else.

Hatzlacha!
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amother




Mauve


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 6:46 am
I would just tell her "that's not the way we talk to parents" and get busy with something else. Basically ending the conversation. Don't give attention to bad behavior, but do look for opportunities to give a compliment instead.catch her doing good.
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 2:55 pm
Thank you all for your ideas.
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 3:05 pm
In such a situation I would tell my child, I would love to hear what you have to say, but right now I cannot hear the way you are talking. When you calm down & are ready to tell me what's bothering you in a nice respectful manner then you can come to me & we can talk/ I can listen. Then just walk away.
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mha3484




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 3:10 pm
I agree with Imasinger. Behavior is communication. My mantras for my difficult kids are that 1) kids do well when they can and 2) if shes is giving you a hard time she having an even harder time herself. Viewing behavior with these lenses helps me to take a step back and think more logically and less emotionally about the situation. Then I can play detective and try and figure out what exactly is the trigger.

I am a huge fan of the explosive child. I have found it has done great things for our family. You can also access the same information at www.livesinthebalance.org
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