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Fear of having another one holding me back
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amother




OP


Post  Sun, May 19 2019, 10:44 pm
I have one child with developmental and cognitive delays. We haven't gotten a definitive diagnosis just yet but as she gets older her delays are becoming more apparent and caring for her is taking more of a toll on me. I have one younger child that was born before I knew the extent of what I was dealing with.
Eventhough I still don't know the extent of what I'm dealing with, I am scared to have another baby out of fear that it may too have the same, similar, or completely different issues.
I am young enough to have more children, and I keep thinking about it, but this is one of the biggest things holding me back.
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amother




Lawngreen


Post  Sun, May 19 2019, 11:16 pm
Give it more time. Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!
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amother




Pumpkin


Post  Sun, May 19 2019, 11:46 pm
Do genetic testing. I had more kids before we knew how bad it was and turns out I had a big chance of having more kids with these issues.
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amother




Lilac


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 12:04 am
You are in a challenging situation I'm sure there are others who feel the same way.
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amother




Cerulean


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 12:20 am
Quote deleted at the request of the poster. --Imasinger, as mod

There is birth control. There is genetic testing. I've heard of people who got a heter to abort early on if it shows that it has the same genetic issues as other children.
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amother




Lilac


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 12:25 am
amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:
There is birth control. There is genetic testing. I've heard of people who got a heter to abort early on if it shows that it has the same genetic issues as other children.


Did you miss the bc fail thread? Plus not everything is testable.
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amother




Cerulean


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 1:32 am
(I deleted a post that referred to something another poster wanted to delete. -- Imasinger, as mod)
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amother




Lilac


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 1:39 am
Cerulean can you do me a favor and delete your quote of mine and any further reference to it? I'm lying here half asleep posting stupid things. I'd really appreciate it. You will be rewarded. Thank you.
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imasinger




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 6:24 am
amother [ Lilac ] wrote:
Cerulean can you do me a favor and delete your quote of mine and any further reference to it? I'm lying here half asleep posting stupid things. I'd really appreciate it. You will be rewarded. Thank you.


I took care of it. You should find menuchas hanefesh.
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 8:02 am
You should do genetic testing. Sometimes it's a one off and unlikely to repeat and sometimes it's a hereditary issue. If it's one off, you would have the same risk as any normal person.
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 8:27 am
Thanks all.
It's not genetic.
But I have seen more than 1 child in a family with delays and difficulties (even autism). It scares me to have to go through the whole EI process again, CPSE.... not to mention the upheaval at home.
So I feel it's just safer not to have another one. But I also feel like why am I stopping. I have a relatively small family and am young. If not for her I for sure wouldn't stop.
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ssspectacular




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 9:29 am
(No bashing please)
Go speak to a Rav. Tell him everything you wrote here. Then you'll be at peace with whatever decision you make. Hatzlacha!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 9:53 am
Your number one priority is to make sure that you can be the parent that your existing children need to thrive and have good lives.

If another child will compromise the care of the first two, then absolutely get rabbinical advice. If the rabbi tells you to try for another one, ask him if he will be paying for round the clock nursing/therapy/respite care.

I know many other couples who have SN children, who have decided to not have more because the sheer volume of managing the ones already born was almost too much for them, even with extra help.
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sarahmalka




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 10:05 am
I agree with everyone else, take your time! Especially if you're young, what's the rush to have more? If you even have more at all? Hugs, OP. Parenting is really hard even in the best of circumstances.
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amother




Cobalt


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 10:17 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
Your number one priority is to make sure that you can be the parent that your existing children need to thrive and have good lives.

If another child will compromise the care of the first two, then absolutely get rabbinical advice. If the rabbi tells you to try for another one, ask him if he will be paying for round the clock nursing/therapy/respite care.

I know many other couples who have SN children, who have decided to not have more because the sheer volume of managing the ones already born was almost too much for them, even with extra help.


Why would someone go talk to a rabbi about it if she's only willing to accept one response anyway?
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 10:23 am
You're young. No need to make a decision today. Things can change. Maybe you'll find a time will come that this child is in a good educational setting and not so time consuming.
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 10:31 am
I'm not being pressured in any way to have another one.
It's just something on my mind.
I'm curious to hear from others that either decided to have or not and what their experiences were.
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mha3484




 
 
 


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 12:06 pm
My oldest is 8 and has a fair share of issues (attention, social emotional needs etc). My next kid (4) was born before we really knew what we were dealing with. I have had two more since and there are times when its so so hard to juggle everyone needs but at the end of the day I have no regrets. I wont lie, my 4 year old is my most needy child. Hes is a very nervous, timid person. Maybe some mild anxiety but hes very little so I dont dwell on labels. He was the most easy going baby. As a toddler we could see that he was generally more afraid of the world. My 3rd kid is pure sunshine. He is the happiest child. So fun to be with and really loving and kind. I think because he is so easy going I was less scared of having another but I decided I cant do a two year gap again. I needed more time so my baby is 2 1/2 years younger and so far its working out really well.

Due to my oldest kids issues, the age gap and having the exact opposite personalities they really struggle to have a relationship. The oldest kind of makes the middle one nervous and hes not tolerant of him at all. So I did not want to have such a large age gap for my next kid. My 2nd and 3rd are two years apart almost exactly which had its own set of challenges but they have a much more typical sibling relationship which is really healthy for them. They can really play together in a way my oldest can not.

I think if I stopped after the 4 year old they would be like two ships in the sea until they are much older and can find common ground and to me that felt sad. I want my kids to have healthy sibling relationships and the social development that comes from that is enormous.
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amother




Jetblack


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 2:29 pm
I am in the same boat as you, I have 2 sn kids, one in a special ed school.
no point in doing genetic testing as the facts are there,
another kid would kill my shalom bayis
it is verrrryyy hard, my pregnancies and deliveries were a breeze, but I cant hav more, I have to accept it, im under 30, its not easy. grew up 1 of 10. all my siblings just keep having. its hard and I cry, but life doesnt always go as planned and if it was planned for me to have SN kids then I cant have anymore:(
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amother




Bisque


Post  Mon, May 20 2019, 2:43 pm
I have a BIG BIG gap because of kid issues. I have heard so many nonsense comments and yes, I felt pangs about not having another, but I felt that I really needed to do my best with what Hashem already gave me, not just try to get more. I have a much happier and healthier and better functioning child because of my sacrifice. There is no one right answer. I too was young!
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