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S/O maaser and relinquishing financial decisions to husband
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, May 21 2019, 9:54 pm
Not sure if this should go in finances or shalom bayis. There was a thread about relinquishing financial decisions to your husband, and another about the importance of giving maaser. Before I was married, I used to give 1/5th of my money to tzedaka. My husband was always extremely anxious about money. From the beginning he asked a rav about giving maaser, and the rav said if you can’t afford it you don’t have to give. That always bothered me, because what does that mean exactly? We were putting money into savings. Now we don’t, but we def spend on things like cleaning help. (Nothing particularly luxurious.) Everyone is always saying they saw bracha from giving maaser, and it really bothers me that we don’t give. I feel like this is something I should let go of for shalom bayis, but then I second guess everything I spend on. We live tight but far from poverty. I don’t really know how to be thrifty. But even if I spent less, he would put the money in savings, not tzedaka. I guess our tuition can count for some of it, but that’s prob less than our maaser. I’m not sure why I’m posting this. Maybe I need reassurance that I’m doing the right thing?
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Bsimcha




 
 
 


Post  Tue, May 21 2019, 10:03 pm
Maybe go back to the Rav and give a clearer picture.
I'd think if you're not living paycheck to paycheck you should be giving Maaser, but this is just my opinion.
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, May 21 2019, 10:21 pm
Bsimcha wrote:
Maybe go back to the Rav and give a clearer picture.
I'd think if you're not living paycheck to paycheck you should be giving Maaser, but this is just my opinion.


We are living paycheck to paycheck. The question is should we not be spending on certain things. Should I make cheaper meals? Should I give up my much needed cleaning help? Etc.
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amother




Brunette


Post  Tue, May 21 2019, 10:23 pm
No, OP, if you're living paycheck to paycheck, you shouldn't be giving maaser.

I spoke to Rabbi Reisman about this. He said that once you're paying tuition, you can put your maaser towards yeshiva tuition.


Last edited by amother on Mon, Jul 08 2019, 11:42 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Blue


Post  Tue, May 21 2019, 10:32 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Not sure if this should go in finances or shalom bayis. There was a thread about relinquishing financial decisions to your husband, and another about the importance of giving maaser. Before I was married, I used to give 1/5th of my money to tzedaka. My husband was always extremely anxious about money. From the beginning he asked a rav about giving maaser, and the rav said if you can’t afford it you don’t have to give. That always bothered me, because what does that mean exactly? We were putting money into savings. Now we don’t, but we def spend on things like cleaning help. (Nothing particularly luxurious.) Everyone is always saying they saw bracha from giving maaser, and it really bothers me that we don’t give. I feel like this is something I should let go of for shalom bayis, but then I second guess everything I spend on. We live tight but far from poverty. I don’t really know how to be thrifty. But even if I spent less, he would put the money in savings, not tzedaka. I guess our tuition can count for some of it, but that’s prob less than our maaser. I’m not sure why I’m posting this. Maybe I need reassurance that I’m doing the right thing?


Did you hear the rav say to your dh that he doesn’t need to give maaser? I was told differently, and at worst, if you literally an not afford to give any tzedakah, to keep an exact accounting of how much you owe and then give it when you have it.
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amother




Blue


Post  Tue, May 21 2019, 10:33 pm
smileforamile wrote:
No, OP, if you're living paycheck to paycheck, you shouldn't be giving maaser.

I spoke to Rabbi Reisman about this. He said that once you're paying tuition, you can put your maaser towards yeshiva tuition.


You shouldn’t be handing out a psak that R Reisman gave for someone else. Each case is different and she needs to get her own psak, and hear it with her own ears
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, May 21 2019, 10:42 pm
amother [ Blue ] wrote:
You shouldn’t be handing out a psak that R Reisman gave for someone else. Each case is different and she needs to get her own psak, and hear it with her own ears


Are you saying I shouldn’t trust my husband? I’d feel a little weird going behind his back to ask again, because I don’t trust what he said.
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pesek zman




 
 
 


Post  Tue, May 21 2019, 11:33 pm
If you’re living paycheck to paycheck, it’s prudent to learn how to be thrifty. And I think yes, you should be giving maaser. Maaser is not something to compromise on IMO unless truly imporverished.
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amother




Pink


Post  Tue, May 21 2019, 11:36 pm
pesek zman wrote:
If you’re living paycheck to paycheck, it’s prudent to learn how to be thrifty. And I think yes, you should be giving maaser. Maaser is not something to compromise on IMO unless truly imporverished.


Perhaps there are varying halachic opinions. We were told very clearly that as long as we're getting a tuition break (legitimate, obviously) we should not be giving maaser. Plus, the amount we pay in tuition is still more than we "owe" in maaser each year, and many poskim say maaser money can be used to pay tuition.
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pesek zman




 
 
 


Post  Tue, May 21 2019, 11:38 pm
amother [ Pink ] wrote:
Perhaps there are varying halachic opinions. We were told very clearly that as long as we're getting a tuition break (legitimate, obviously) we should not be giving maaser. Plus, the amount we pay in tuition is still more than we "owe" in maaser each year, and many poskim say maaser money can be used to pay tuition.
.

I’m no rabbi, obviously. I’m just stating my personal opinion.
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amother




Pink


Post  Tue, May 21 2019, 11:40 pm
pesek zman wrote:
.

I’m no rabbi, obviously. I’m just stating my personal opinion.

Just clarifying that we absolutely give tzedaka to many various causes. We just don't calculate maaser each month.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Wed, May 22 2019, 12:29 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We are living paycheck to paycheck. The question is should we not be spending on certain things. Should I make cheaper meals? Should I give up my much needed cleaning help? Etc.


Op I must say I respect u a lot. Ur post is humbling.

Wow! U don't sound like u have easy-yet ur biggest regret is this!

Honestly if I was in us situation id probably regret having given a fifth b4 I was married

The following is only my opinion NOT halachic based.

If u gave double what u had to b4 u were married-u can view that as instead of what ur giving now.

I'd be shocked if a rav would tell u to cut cleaning help to give to others.

Again just my opinion
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baby12x




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 22 2019, 12:52 am
amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:
Op I must say I respect u a lot. Ur post is humbling.

Wow! U don't sound like u have easy-yet ur biggest regret is this!

Honestly if I was in us situation id probably regret having given a fifth b4 I was married

The following is only my opinion NOT halachic based.

If u gave double what u had to b4 u were married-u can view that as instead of what ur giving now.

I'd be shocked if a rav would tell u to cut cleaning help to give to others.

Again just my opinion


Honestly I dont really understand this.
I'm really not judging but why wouldn't you have to give up cleaning help to give maaser?
OP is not thrifty and putting money into savings. She's not living in poverty.
The way I see it, maaser is like any other bill. It gets paid before anything else and certainly before any "discretionary" funds.
What I do is separate maaser into a separate account right away so it's not even part of my spending calculations. (https://adimesaved.com/budgeting-with-an-envelope-system)

OP can speak to a rav about her specific situation.

In regards to shalom bais, I would bring up full my husband that I really want to give maaser.
Not accusing or angry just "dh, I would really like to start giving maaser" and then go from there.
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Iymnok




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 22 2019, 1:35 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Are you saying I shouldn’t trust my husband? I’d feel a little weird going behind his back to ask again, because I don’t trust what he said.

It’s nit going behind his back. It’s gett clarity in your avodas Hashem l
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Wed, May 22 2019, 1:38 am
baby12x wrote:

I'm really not judging but why wouldn't you have to give up cleaning help to give maaser?


I didn't mean that so literally. I doubt she's giving a tenth of her salary to cleaning lady. Or maybe she is.

Either way I meant if that's her train of thought- cutting things similar to that - I'd be shocked if any rav would tell her she has to give masses.

Why? I've heard from I believe r veiner ( again I don't have source just from memory) that one shouild NOT give maasee- if doing so may cause them to become poor.

If someone is living paycheck to paycheck- they r not so far from that risk.

Again I.couild be wrong . Just my thoughts- no point arguing my opinion so I'll stop here.
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yerushamama




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 22 2019, 2:15 am
My DH was told to always calculate maaser (BTW, the calculation is done after deducting very basic necessities) and then based on our circumstances THAT MONTH, decide where to apply it. Some months it all goes to various tzedaka organizations, others it goes to supporting those in KK -paying our children's tuition when that's the only way we can afford to do so. The main thing is to amke the cheshbon and separate it out before deciding how to use it.
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baby12x




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 22 2019, 2:20 am
amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:
I didn't mean that so literally. I doubt she's giving a tenth of her salary to cleaning lady. Or maybe she is.

Either way I meant if that's her train of thought- cutting things similar to that - I'd be shocked if any rav would tell her she has to give masses.

Why? I've heard from I believe r veiner ( again I don't have source just from memory) that one shouild NOT give maasee- if doing so may cause them to become poor.

If someone is living paycheck to paycheck- they r not so far from that risk.

Again I.couild be wrong . Just my thoughts- no point arguing my opinion so I'll stop here.



OP is not really living paycheck to paycheck even if it feels like it to her.
Obviously we don’t have the full story but if yu have money in savings and are not “thrifty” you are not going to be poor by giving maaser
If someone makes a lot of money and spends a lot of money, then even if they may be living “paycheck to paycheck” then they should still give maaser.

Listen, I think maaser is important. I wouldn’t go up to someone and tell them to give maaser. OP clearly is thinking about this or else she wouldn’t have posted. I’m just surprised by the people telling her NOT to do something that she is thinking of doing.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Wed, May 22 2019, 2:57 am
baby12x wrote:
OP is not really living paycheck to paycheck even if it feels like it to her.
Obviously we don’t have the full story but if yu have money in savings and are not “thrifty” you are not going to be poor by giving maaser
If someone makes a lot of money and spends a lot of money, then even if they may be living “paycheck to paycheck” then they should still give


I Said I wouldn't respond though I am anyways since there r so many assumptions in ur post that r not true

Op said she is NOT living luxuriously. I think we know already that everyone defines luxuries differently -so lets not go there

I do think we'll agree that if her example of a luxury is " much needed cleaning help" that is NOT very lavish or a spend thrift. ( personally I do not like cleaning help- I understand others need it)

Where did u get the following? I dont see it.

That's she is not living paycheck to paycheck. If her expenses eat upnher weekly salary them she is. Finish.

Even if she could survive on less.

Where do u see that she has savings? I may have missed that I only see that she used to save. That doesn't mean her savings weren't used up.

Being "poor" in my context - means needing money from others . Not wearing tattered clothing.

So yes if she would give masses it can possibly make her poor. According to that.

Its always possible to live simpler. I highly doubt any reasonable rav would tell her to eat bread and water only so that she could afford masses..maybe I'm wrong I hope not
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, May 22 2019, 9:31 am
This probably doesn’t count but I try to give “maaser” of my time to devote to doing chesed.
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mig100




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 22 2019, 10:53 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
This probably doesn’t count but I try to give “maaser” of my time to devote to doing chesed.


op- everything you do "counts"! ( maybe just not as maaserr) its a beautiful idea- and you sound like the most good hearted person.

you sound like things are a bit tight- instead of being resentful- all you care about is helping others. kudos to you for such an attitude

im with forestgreeen. I would be beyond shocked if any rav would tell you that you must cut out cleaning help - and other such expenses. id be surprised if they would even think its a good idea.

as I always post on imamother- id highly suggest you speak with a rav in real life. not to go beyond your dhs back- rather to be able to explian the situation in more detail and reach a decision that you are comfortable from someone with the authority to give one.

and puleeeze- lets remember we dont have to live by everything some annon people online say. if I would live my life according to imamother id be going nuts.
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