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Texting me for money! leave me alone
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 9:24 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
First, I'm upset bec a few pppl texted us which doesn't sound understanding to me. It seems like a bill collector which makes me mad. At least, they shldsay if you can't do it, we understand.

Second, while clearly, my situation is different from yours (I mean I don't know ppl who dont have cleaning help....)...I really do want to understand this idea of gifts for hakarat hatov.

Is hakarat hatov only through gift/money??? If I showed hakarat hativ to all ppl who I "owe hakarat hatov" to with just $10, I'd literally be in debt. So many ppl on a regular basis do their jobs for uswhich benefit us. And, some ppl do jobs for free like a chesed girl""...

So, I say thank you. Is that enough?? The truth is I would want to pay back "" in services but that's impossible with all time I spend doing for my family. Regarding spouses, its easy to show appreciation by doing for them...bec they live together.

When I was single, I did many things for free but the money I didnt get didnt make me feel less hakarat hatov. I was poor and needed money but I was doing that chesed to help and I had to find jobs for money.

Am I "not fulfilling hakarat hatov" if I dont gift teachers??? I'm wondering..

Meanwhile, regardless, I dont like classmoms soliciting for money on my private phone. I dont like relatives or anyone telling me how to spend my money. If I had a lot of money, sure, I'd gift...but I still dont like others telling me "pay up, we are getting. ."...maybe bec I'm stressed from budgeting that adding these "seemingly small amounts" .....and since it seems everyone can afford what I dont have but then gets free lunch and low tuition, it bothers me. No, I'm not jealous of their things bec hashem will give me what he decides. But, if their parents bought them a house when I'm....who are they to tell me to "pay up"???" Yes, it bothers me....

No!! They don't sound understanding.
Because if they did, I wouldn't be as upset.


It's 2019- it's not considered 'rude' to text someone on their cell. Why would you prefer a call? Wouldn't that be even more awkward? To have to say know over the phone instead of via text.

You don't have to explain why you can't afford $10 for every person you owe hakaras hatov to. But when you get these texts, just say you're doing something on your own so you won't be contributing. If they're pushy about it, it's their own problem. At the end of the day, you answer the G-d, not the class mother.

If you feel that the general tone of these texts is upsetting, perhaps write a letter to the school and they can put out a statement on school policy for such things, stating officially that only one person should be in charge and that no one should be pressured in any way to participate.

When I collected gift money for a teacher who had a baby, I texted everyone once, then one follow up reminder in case someone forgot, and that's it. I assumed that anyone who didn't reply wasn't interested/able.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 10:09 am
Thanks everyone for replying. To those of you who said that you send text once and reminder, but for those who don't send you dont worry.fine, but again, I just got another text and obviously they are just pressuring me. I'm not the only one who feels pressured by these "give me your money bec you need to join our decision of gift giving" texts/calls. The moms who are like me in financial situation feel the same way.

No I will not out myself and embarress myself and say I'm not giving and I won't call the school. I'll just deal with the pressure( writing here helps) and ignore. Let them think what they wont but I dont need to embarrass myself. Its embarrassing enough in my situation that I have to...
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Learning




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 10:17 am
It’s not a big deal. Only 20 dollars or so if you don’t want to give people accept it. First when I read your text I thought women ask you for thousands of dollars for their own problems.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 10:25 am
amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:
I understand this is upsetting but you need to calm down. This is a community norm (not just a specific community, non Jews do this as well). If you cant contribute then say no.
As regards to a "private line" 1. That doesn't exist anymore 2. That's literally what a private phone is for. To reach you for private matters 3. Everyone texts now. Also it's easier to say no when it's a text not a call
This is clearly really upsetting for you but dont blame it on the mother who is doing a favor to the class for collecting.
Text back: so sorry. Cant contribute this year.

Then that's it. If she continues to harass you then that's a different story


You are correct. Its a community norm. And, if they do It in a stalkerish harassing / demanding manner then its not ok because it causes agmas nefesh. I'm not the only one feeling this pressure. Even relatives do this as the norm and expect others to chip in but its wrong if you don't give a choice to say no. Ppl who have money may not mind, so I'm specifically talking about ppl who go to the store and dont just stuff their wagon with tons of food. My friend told me she couldn't go to a shuir bec they pressured her for giftmoney.

Again, I'm fine with those Who tell you its ok to not do a "communal gift" but....however, most of the times its other ppl telling me how I must spend my money. No! Its causing agmas nefesh which is not allowed. To all of you who are okay if ppl don't contribute, fine, but its not okay how these classmoms keep texting me.

There was a thread here about women complaining that why do they have to pay tips to counselors....bec they already paid a lot for camp. Someone can say the tips are like forced gifts and show hakarat hatov for counselors who work hard and get less than minimum wage. But, so too, I work hard to pay tuition and of course, the school is not paying teachers more. But, pls don't force me for a gift. If anyone is understanding about it, one can "feel" it and that classmom can put a disclaimer in the text to show understanding. Well, I'm certainly not going to embarrass myself.
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MiracleMama




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 10:28 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks everyone for replying. To those of you who said that you send text once and reminder, but for those who don't send you dont worry.fine, but again, I just got another text and obviously they are just pressuring me. I'm not the only one who feels pressured by these "give me your money bec you need to join our decision of gift giving" texts/calls. The moms who are like me in financial situation feel the same way.

No I will not out myself and embarress myself and say I'm not giving and I won't call the school. I'll just deal with the pressure( writing here helps) and ignore. Let them think what they wont but I dont need to embarrass myself. Its embarrassing enough in my situation that I have to...


I would text: I have alrady replied to your request. Please stop texting me about this or I will have to block your number.

OR

Just block the number and enjoy the quiet.

ETA:
A few years ago I volunteered to be class mother for 2 of my kids at the same school. I had no idea when I signed up for this that one of my responsibilites would be to collect money from all the parents for teacher gifts.
Let me tell you, it was very uncomfortable for me to ask for money. Half the parents ignored me. So for myself I think, "they're not interested. Fine." but then the higher ups keep contacting me and asking who sent in their money.... and telling me all the parents who didn't respond I should follow up with another text, call them, corner them at the carpool line, etc. until they give. It's VERY uncomfortable all around.
I genuinely WISH the parents not interested would just tell me: Hey, leave me alone. I'm not doing this. Because then when the school people tell me to chase after them I can say nope, they said no for sure - rather than say they didn't respond and being told to keep at it.


Last edited by MiracleMama on Wed, May 22 2019, 10:36 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 10:32 am
Learning wrote:
It’s not a big deal. Only 20 dollars or so if you don’t want to give people accept it. First when I read your text I thought women ask you for thousands of dollars for their own problems.


No! Its not $20. I'm talking about all the collections. Its $20 times 7 if you have 7 kids which is $140. Then, they also want Chanukah gift so that's another $140. Then, there's also pesach and purim(pay for mishloach Manos gift) which is another $140 x 2 so

a total of $420 and then besides that if one gives teachers then you also need give therapist and .......for $420 that's almost the amount for reserving shul room for my childs simcha!!

So, clearly, you dont understand budgeting bec maybe you dont have to watch spending. But, yes, I'm sure I can give the classmoms Dan lkaf zechus that those classmoms think exactly like you! They think "its only $20". So, I wish ppl would stop thinking they can demand from others how to spend their money. Again, you want to give me a choice and an option?? Fine!! But to expect everyone to chip in for some $400 gift you already bought??that's wrong.
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 10:33 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
First, I'm upset bec a few pppl texted us which doesn't sound understanding to me. It seems like a bill collector which makes me mad. At least, they shldsay if you can't do it, we understand.

Second, while clearly, my situation is different from yours (I mean I don't know ppl who dont have cleaning help....)...I really do want to understand this idea of gifts for hakarat hatov.

Is hakarat hatov only through gift/money??? If I showed hakarat hativ to all ppl who I "owe hakarat hatov" to with just $10, I'd literally be in debt. So many ppl on a regular basis do their jobs for uswhich benefit us. And, some ppl do jobs for free like a chesed girl""...

So, I say thank you. Is that enough?? The truth is I would want to pay back "" in services but that's impossible with all time I spend doing for my family. Regarding spouses, its easy to show appreciation by doing for them...bec they live together.

When I was single, I did many things for free but the money I didnt get didnt make me feel less hakarat hatov. I was poor and needed money but I was doing that chesed to help and I had to find jobs for money.

Am I "not fulfilling hakarat hatov" if I dont gift teachers??? I'm wondering..

Meanwhile, regardless, I dont like classmoms soliciting for money on my private phone. I dont like relatives or anyone telling me how to spend my money. If I had a lot of money, sure, I'd gift...but I still dont like others telling me "pay up, we are getting. ."...maybe bec I'm stressed from budgeting that adding these "seemingly small amounts" .....and since it seems everyone can afford what I dont have but then gets free lunch and low tuition, it bothers me. No, I'm not jealous of their things bec hashem will give me what he decides. But, if their parents bought them a house when I'm....who are they to tell me to "pay up"???" Yes, it bothers me....

No!! They don't sound understanding.
Because if they did, I wouldn't be as upset.


So, if there are 25 children in each class, you want the class mother to call each and every one. Figure that at least 50% can't be reached the first try, so that's 37 to 40 phone calls, each one lasting at least 5 minutes, and potentially much longer if you reach Chatty Cathy. So that's 2-1/2 hours of the class mom's time. Because you don't like texts.

If you don't want to participate, respond, "thanks for your text. We're not participating in the class gift this year." I doubt they'll hound or harass you, but if you do, just respond to the first one with "We've made the decision not to participate." Then block the number if you need to.

I'm in my 50s. When I was a kid, it was traditional for the class to give the teachers (lower school only) an end of year gift. It was traditional when my parents were kids. Its still traditional. There's nothing wrong or nasty about the class mom recognizing that and trying to collect.

As to your chesed work, that's great. But I presume that neither you nor your husband tell your boss, or your clients, that its really just a chesed, you don't need to be paid. I'm not sure why you would expect that of teachers, who have the same bills that you do.

Finally, ob your other post, please don't count my money based on where I live. You don't know that I'm helping support my parents, or that my husband was out of work on disability for months, or that one of my kids has medical bills that are not covered by health insurance, or that my co-pay for medications is several hundred dollars a month, or any of a million other things that cropped up after I purchased my home.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 10:34 am
MiracleMama wrote:
I would text: I have alrady replied to your request. Please stop texting me about this or I will have to block your number.

OR

Just block the number and enjoy the quiet.


Great advice. I can't block text. And I'm getting from numbers I dont know. Different ppl texting me. Not the same mom!
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 10:35 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
No! Its not $20. I'm talking about all the collections. Its $20 times 7 if you have 7 kids which is $140. Then, they also want Chanukah gift so that's another $140. Then, there's also pesach and purim(pay for mishloach Manos gift) which is another $140 x 2 so

a total of $420 and then besides that if one gives teachers then you also need give therapist and .......for $420 that's almost the amount for reserving shul room for my childs simcha!!

So, clearly, you dont understand budgeting bec maybe you dont have to watch spending. But, yes, I'm sure I can give the classmoms Dan lkaf zechus that those classmoms think exactly like you! They think "its only $20". So, I wish ppl would stop thinking they can demand from others how to spend their money. Again, you want to give me a choice and an option?? Fine!! But to expect everyone to chip in for some $400 gift you already bought??that's wrong.


No one is demanding. They're ASKING.

As to "budgeting," that means figuring out your expenses in advance and saving for them. "Budgeting" means that you're saving for Purim and Passover for months in advance. It also means that if you know that class gifts for your kids run $140 at Chanukah and year end, you put money aside for that.

Hope that helps.
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WhatFor




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 10:39 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Great advice. I can't block text. And I'm getting from numbers I dont know. Different ppl texting me. Not the same mom!


Have you responded to the text advising you wouldn't participate before they sent the next one? It could be they're just following up with whoever hasn't responded. Just say, "thank you for organizing this. Unfortunately we won't be able to participate this year." The end. If you don't let them know, they're just trying to give you the opportunity to not miss out.
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 11:13 am
A few thoughts:

It is customary for a designated "class parent" to organize group gifts. It is ok to do this. It has nothing to do with tuition.

Some class parents are more persistent than others, either by personality and/or because of their experience. In my own experience, plenty of parents try to contribute to the gift moments before it is presented to the recipient, well after the gift has been purchased. Some people just need and appreciate a reminder about the deadline.

In most schools a class list is available to all parents. The level of privacy varies from school to school. You can contact the school office if you want to limit the information that is shared.

Nowadays, most people prefer text/email to phone calls. If you have a preference, just say so. "In the future, please call my house number and leave a message if I'm not able to pick up. Thanks!"

If you do not want to be contacted about group gifts, just say so. "I prefer not to participate in group gifts. Thanks." If more than one person is collecting for group gifts throughout the year, you may need to repeat yourself. After a few frustrating experiences (different from yours) I stopped, and simply said "no" when asked. It was ok.

There is no need to get into a discussion about why you are not participating. If the collector persists and gives reasons why you should, don't get sucked in.

A suggested donation amount is only a suggestion. Some parents have *very* different ideas about what is reasonable. If you feel the amount is too much for whatever reason, whether you can afford it or not, give what you like. Some people give more or less. Some don't give any. It's ok.

If the collectors are purchasing expensive gifts and then raising money from the parents - I wouldn't participate either! My own policy, whether as a "class mom" or donor, is to participate in cash gifts (such as a gift card) only. If you are not joining the "decide what to give" calls, then you have lost the opportunity to voice your opinion. If you aren't planning to donate anyway, regardless of the type of gift, then it doesn't matter.

Maybe easier said than done, but try not to take this all so personally!
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Learning




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 11:17 am
Sometimes it’s expected to get a gift as a teacher. It’s Iike when We or dc went to a program part of the price is the tips at the end of it. But if you can’t than you won’t be in the list of the givers. If your dc don’t mind and even if they do it’s not a big deal
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amother
Rose


 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 12:00 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks everyone for replying. To those of you who said that you send text once and reminder, but for those who don't send you dont worry.fine, but again, I just got another text and obviously they are just pressuring me. I'm not the only one who feels pressured by these "give me your money bec you need to join our decision of gift giving" texts/calls. The moms who are like me in financial situation feel the same way.

No I will not out myself and embarress myself and say I'm not giving and I won't call the school. I'll just deal with the pressure( writing here helps) and ignore. Let them think what they wont but I dont need to embarrass myself. Its embarrassing enough in my situation that I have to...


It's not embarrassing to say you planned something else already. In my kids school some of the mothers give personal gifts and don't participate in the class gift. You should certainly send a thank you note to each teacher anyway...
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 12:21 pm
SixOfWands wrote:
I doubt they'll hound or harass you

There's nothing wrong or nasty about the class mom recognizing that and trying to collect.

As to your chesed work, that's great. But I presume that neither you nor your husband tell your boss, or your clients, that its really just a chesed, you don't need to be paid. I'm not sure why you would expect that of teachers, who have the same bills that you do.

Finally, ob your other post, please don't count my money based on where I live. You don't know that I'm helping support my parents, or that my husband was out of work on disability for months, or that one of my kids has medical bills that are not covered by health insurance, or that my co-pay for medications is several hundred dollars a month, or any of a million other things that cropped up after I purchased my home.


First if they call and give an option to opt out, fine, but otherwise yes "it is wrong and nasty to force me." Obviously you disagree. And, yes they are harassing me, just like a poster wrote above that yes, the school officials or other classmoms did tell her to call again and again.

I dont have to think about how much time it takes for classmoms to call. They are choosing to call ppl for money. They could just give a gift on their own but dont want to spend a lot so instead they want others to add money. They chose to call.

Third, you wrote above that why would I expect teachers not to get paid. Well, that's exactly my point. I work hard and pay very high tuition. This is so that the teachers should get paid a salary. Where did I say teachers shouldn't get paid??? You misunderstood my point about chesed. Maybe if I paid very little tuition and paid for a house, cleaning help...etc (that these others have) then the schools would not be paying the teachers from my money.


Last, your point about owning a house but having medication copays or a dh on disability or....I agree that everyone may have bills I dont know about. But, if they have the chutzpa to ask me for money for each kids teachers for each time of year, its a lot, so obviously they must not be struggling as much. If they are, why they pressuring me as if they can't relate to pressure of bills.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 12:33 pm
amother [ Aqua ] wrote:
No one is demanding. They're ASKING.

As to "budgeting," that means figuring out your expenses in advance and saving for them. "Budgeting" means that you're saving for Purim and Passover for months in advance. It also means that if you know that class gifts for your kids run $140 at Chanukah and year end, you put money aside for that.

Hope that helps.


I dont agree with you. Budgeting in my opinion, means seeing how much your income is(after making sure you and dh are doing hishtadlus ) and putting aside
For most important bills. Whatever is not essential does not get spent on like hired help, expensive food...and gifts.

Saying "just make sure to put aside $140 per kid in gifts" is like saying to someone on tomchei shabbos "just put aside $600 more for food for shabbos"". Yes $140 and $600 are different but the point is there's a fixed income so its not like the money is being spent on nonessentials. And, to me, tution is essential bec I would not put my kids in public school.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 12:40 pm
cm wrote:
A few thoughts:

............................

In most schools a class list is available to all parents. The level of privacy varies from school to school. You can contact the school office if you want to limit the information that is shared.

There is no need to get into a discussion about why you are not participating. If the collector persists and gives reasons why you should, don't get sucked in.

If the collectors are purchasing expensive gifts and then raising money from the parents - I wouldn't participate either! My own policy, whether as a "class mom" or donor, is to participate in cash gifts (such as a gift card) only. If you are not joining the "decide what to give" calls, then you have lost the opportunity to voice your opinion. If you aren't planning to donate anyway, regardless of the type of gift, then it doesn't matter.

Maybe easier said than done, but try not to take this all so personally!


Thanks for your post. You certainly made some good points. You sound very warm/understanding, and sympathetic.

I didnt know the school gives a list. I also agree that if I had money I would want to give a gift card or cash,but everytime I'm asked to give, its always for a gift that they chose and we all have different opinions about what's considered expensive and about what's an appropriate gift although its decided by a select few.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 12:42 pm
Thanks everyone for posting. Its good to hear from different ppls perspectives.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 12:44 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I dont agree with you. Budgeting in my opinion, means seeing how much your income is(after making sure you and dh are doing hishtadlus ) and putting aside
For most important bills. Whatever is not essential does not get spent on like hired help, expensive food...and gifts.

Saying "just make sure to put aside $140 per kid in gifts" is like saying to someone on tomchei shabbos "just put aside $600 more for food for shabbos"". Yes $140 and $600 are different but the point is there's a fixed income so its not like the money is being spent on nonessentials. And, to me, tution is essential bec I would not put my kids in public school.


budgeting - is balancing your income and expenses.

If you don't have the money in your budget for gifts - so you don't have.

People who plan these things look at all their expenses - and make adjustments so they can spend where its important to them. Many people simply don't have enough for basics, forget gifts. That's where tomchei shabbos etc. comes in.
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ces




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 12:56 pm
OP, why do you feel like you're "outing" yourself by telling whoever's texting you that you don't plan on participating? Either way they'll eventually know that, because you aren't planning on giving money, so why not just shut them down the first time they ask? You aren't telling them why, just stating "We won't be participating, thanks"
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 22 2019, 1:02 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
..I really do want to understand this idea of gifts for hakarat hatov.

Is hakarat hatov only through gift/money??? .
....

Am I "not fulfilling hakarat hatov" if I dont gift teachers??? I'm wondering..



OP this resonated with me.
Obviously you'll get a whole bunch of reaponses assuring you that "of COURSE its not only through gifts and money, and a lovely card is FINE...."yadda yadda

I happen to believe the above myself.

But it seems that its so accepted to show teachers hakaras hatov with money and gifts chanuka time, purim time, end of the year...its a shame that its such a standard thing. It makes it really really difficult for someone else to show hakaras hatov with "just" a heartfelt thank you.
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