Help me explain to DH that $100K is not a lot for a family

urban gypsy

Tue, May 28 2019, 2:47 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

Why don't you make another 100 k? Then you'll have 200 k.
Do you work? Have you worked before?
It sounds to me like you're a frustrated sahm who doesn't understand how overwhelming the job market and making loads of cash be.
If I was the one bringing money home and my partner just complained all the time, I wouldn't be enthusiastic about making more either.
If you think you can do it better.. why don't you show him how it's done?

I completely agree. The OP was painful to read and very out of touch.
I am a single mom who works full time and supports three children on 35K.
You sound incredibly privileged and entitled.

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, May 28 2019, 2:52 pm

urban gypsy wrote:

I completely agree. The OP was painful to read and very out of touch.
I am a single mom who works full time and supports three children on 35K.
You sound incredibly privileged and entitled.

I'm not a single mom but I work full time and I will never make more than 40 k (pre taxes). My husband makes a bit more but BECAUSE I work, I know that money doesn't fall down from the sky and I appreciate what we have. I'd never put down my husband for making less than our neighbour or less than a certain amount. It's so much easier for someone who doesn't know the struggles of the working world to nag and complain about money while the partner works hard and tries his best.

SixOfWands

Tue, May 28 2019, 2:55 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

She's not putting him down. She just wants him to understand finances. $100,000 is getting them fancy vacations, as he expects.

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, May 28 2019, 2:57 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

She's not putting him down. She just wants him to understand finances. $100,000 is getting them fancy vacations, as he expects.

I'm pretty sure he can see that they're not going on any fancy vacations.
I think they're view on luxury and necessity might be different.
Plus he seems to have doubled his income.
If he's making 100 k now and she's making 45 k , they already have 145 k and not "only" 100.

mommy3b2c

Tue, May 28 2019, 3:07 pm

It’s seems like almost everyone missed the point. She said that her husband thinks they are now rich and feels like he can spend money on several fancy vacations a year. That’s the relevant point. Not the rest of the nonsense of how she sounds spoiled and entitled and like she’s a sahm.

urban gypsy

Tue, May 28 2019, 3:11 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I don't think he is actually planning to take fancy vacations this year.
I think it was a figure of speech denoting "rich family"
I guess the point is that because of his "demons" her DH has been financially irresponsible in the past and now that he earns more OP is afraid that he will blow this money too
So sit down and make a budget together.
If he refuses then insist or start hiding money in a secret account IDK
OP who handles the finances (bills etc) in your household? Do you have a lot of debt?

baby12x

Tue, May 28 2019, 3:11 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Where did she say that?

naturalmom5

Tue, May 28 2019, 3:21 pm

I would tend to agree with you...

However, I would focus more on making the money and less on WHAT I NEED

If your husb can make 200K and he would rather make 50K so he can sleep more, watch more videos, play bocci... You are right

If he physically can't make the money no matter what he does. Its just a mute point

SixOfWands

Tue, May 28 2019, 3:24 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He thinks that $100K is a financially comfortable family who can take a few fancy vacations a year!

Hope this helps.

Why are you anonymous, anyway?

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, May 28 2019, 3:25 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Yes, I agree that her post seemed like her dh who is now earning more money said"oh great now I'll make 100k instead of 20k so now we will have enough for vacations and..."

It seemed op is trying to ground him by explaining that100k or even 145k is not comfortable for 5 kids bec most ppl wih that income would have to stil be careful how they spend(although its possible)...

So, op, I agree with posters who said "dont tell him, show him" show him the tuition bills, the food bills, the rent/mortgage....and show him how it adds up to.....but it seems he used to be financially irresponsible and you took care of the finances, so his view of the financial reality of a family is not based in reality, and it will take time for him to "see" how it works...

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, May 28 2019, 3:31 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

Better yet, ask him to draw up the budget. Let him put the numbers down and add it all together. That's the only way he will really see. If you just show him your numbers, he may just look at it & think you went over the top, or exaggerated a bit, or the info may just go in one ear and out the other. If he has to literally put together the annual budget, he has no way around it.

baby12x

Tue, May 28 2019, 3:31 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

I must have missed that. In that case, my answer changes.

The best way is to sit down and MAKE A BUDGET. Put money into savings and put money into a vacation fund. The vacation is then limited to the amount of money you have put away. The budget will help you both be on the same page about your finances and decrease the fighting about money.
https://adimesaved.com/budgeti.....riage

Additionally, if he or you do end up making more money you will already have a budget in place to make sure that you still make the appropriate financial choices.

SixOfWands

Tue, May 28 2019, 3:36 pm

baby12x wrote:

No harm, no foul

And I agree with the budget. Great idea for the vacation fund.

Orchid

Tue, May 28 2019, 3:43 pm

urban gypsy wrote:

I completely agree. The OP was painful to read and very out of touch.
I am a single mom who works full time and supports three children on 35K.
You sound incredibly privileged and entitled.

I don't remotely thing OP sounds privileged and entitled. She seems despairing that her dh is now prepared to spend money rashly now that he thinks they're "rich." I'm sorry for your financial situation but that has nothing to do with OP's situation.

OP- like everyone else (who was helpful) said, don't convince him. Show him- on black and white paper (or spreadsheet).

ectomorph

Tue, May 28 2019, 3:43 pm

The issue is he feels he's earning much more... He wants his wife to feel rich.

If she wants to encourage his efforts to earn more, the smart thing to do is feed his ego now. He hasn't even earned the money yet.

Once it comes, ENTHUSIASTIC ALLY say, great! Now we can pay the ccdebt/ cover tuition/ save money for vacation!! He'll be thrilled as long as you are happy.

the key is you want to encourage him by validating his efforts.

Yummymummy3

Tue, May 28 2019, 5:20 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

Why don't you make another 100 k? Then you'll have 200 k.

Do you work? Have you worked before?
It sounds to me like you're a frustrated sahm who doesn't understand how overwhelming the job market and making loads of cash be.
If I was the one bringing money home and my partner just complained all the time, I wouldn't be enthusiastic about making more either.
If you think you can do it better.. why don't you show him how it's done?

Easier said than done. Please can you find me a job? I can't find one for less than that, never mind for one that gives 100K

JoyInTheMorning

Wed, May 29 2019, 5:56 am

I agree with thunderstorm. Numbers aren't something to get emotional about. And a number by itself means nothing. $100K, $200K, whatever the amount, doesn't matter. What matters is what your baseline, absolute expenses are.

Of course expenses vary with number of children and area in which you live. Another major variable is the type of school (chassidish, yeshivish, modern orthodox).

If you live in Lakewood, have six children, and live in a reasonably modest house (3 bedrooms + 1 guest room), I'd guess you're paying at least $2K per month in mortgage payments + property taxes + home insurance, so $24K a year, and $42K for tuition. Obviously $100K gross income won't be nearly enough in that scenario. You'd be squeezed at $200K. Maybe you could do day camp for a few kids; a vacation is unlikely.

If you live in one of the many out-of-town communities where tuition is $25K+ a year, and you have 3 children, and your mortgage is $3K a month, you're talking more than $110K just for tuition and housing. $200K doesn't begin to cut it. (After social security tax, medicare tax, federal income tax, and state and local income tax, you are left with perhaps 65% of your $200K.)

You need to write down your expected expenses, and include everything. That includes what you need for food, gasoline, amortized cost of cars, automobile insurance, health insurance, co-pays, braces, replacements for appliances that break down, and an emergency fund.

And let go of the number. Perhaps in your DH's parent's generation, earning six figures was considered the ultimate sign of success. But it's meaningless if what your bring in doesn't match your expenses.