Keeping a clean house took over my life

33055

Wed, May 29 2019, 7:56 pm

pesek zman wrote:

For the most part I don’t cook during the week (other than Thursday night for Shabbos) I cook for the week on Saturday or Sunday night. (BH I work full time and prefer to spend my time in the evening not tied to the stove, but with my family)

That's efficient. It's so interesting to batch cook once a week. When is grocery shopping? When is meal planning? Do you cook 5 different meals with sides and then just warm up? Do you make lunches? What about breakfasts?

When do you clean?

When do you run errands?

pesek zman

Wed, May 29 2019, 8:05 pm

Squishy wrote:

I usually make 4 different meals. Leftovers get eaten in a shmorgesbord on Wednesday night (combined with omelets to make sure we all have enough protein) I shop usually Thursday night and meal plan during the day (lunch break/bathroom break/during boring meetings) (I plan Shabbos menu on Thursday and the next week’s menu on Friday or Saturday night , depending on the week) Breakfast is cold (yogurt/cereal/fruit) per everyone’s preference as well as ease. Lunch is often leftovers as well.

pesek zman

Wed, May 29 2019, 8:07 pm

Squishy wrote:

BH my husband cleans on Thursday nights. I’m lucky and grateful but again, low expectations are key here too. Errands? Like what? Drugstore: as needed. We don’t use dry cleaners. No mani/pedi. What other errands are there?

amother

Scarlet

Wed, May 29 2019, 8:08 pm

pesek zman wrote:

I find the OP to be an exception in this and not an ideal to strive to. Not letting yourself go to sleep without mopping is NOT healthy

Depends what the floor looks like at the end of the day.
Mine gets mopped almost daily.

Personally I can go to sleep with a mess in my house. But I usually regret it. Things snowball and get out of control quickly. Better to spend the 2 hours a day and keep things manageable.

Cleaning help, if you can afford it, OP, is a great idea.

amother

Mint

Wed, May 29 2019, 8:22 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I am not sure how and when keeping a clean house took over my life and I’m trying to learn how to relax.
Let me explain, I have 3 little kids, work full time, no cleaning help, and spend at least 2 hours cleaning a day.
I can’t go to bed if the kitchen is not clean, counters and tables empty, and kitchen floor mopped.
I keep on telling myself that I should relax but as soon as I do, I get nervous that dirt is going to pile up and that the house is starting to look messy.
And whenever I do relax, I start to feel guilty.
That added to the fact that in my family (and community to a certain extent) there’s a pressure of keeping a tidy and neat home makes me feel lost at times. It’s not really a pressure but more like an expectation.
I want to learn how to relax. I also want to know if there’s anyone else that relate to that and how do they deal with it.

Absolutely relate. A big part of my mind is all the time on the state of my house but I recently started taking cleaning help 3 hours a week and it makes all the difference. I’m actually noticing that it’s easing me into the mindset of being more relaxed cause for the few days after she leaves it’s clean and under control and the next few days it’s like oh she’ll be coming soon so I relax about it. We are tight on money but I took on a extra side job that makes that around forty five dollars and I end up having much more space in my mind even with the additional job. The time I spend on the job doesn’t compare to the constant cleaning because I kept thinking if I don’t do it now it’ll never get clean. I made a turnaround on this cause I never could see myself spending the money on something like this.

amother

Taupe

Wed, May 29 2019, 8:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I have a cleaning lady for a few hours every week for my sanity.

amother

Navy

Wed, May 29 2019, 8:57 pm

Maybe you need some shortcuts. And a schedule of what cleaning must be done when.

A Swiffer-type of mop (I use the rubbermaid one) can mop the kitchen floor in under 5 minutes.
If you don't have a dishwasher, maybe now's the time to get one. Or use more paper goods. A plastic tablecloth + paper plates means the table gets cleared in a minute.
Use a feather duster for everyday dusting, and save the detail work for Erev Shabbos / Rosh Chodesh or whenever.
Put away most toys, only keep 2 or 3 out at a time so putting them away is faster.
Put on lively music when you work to make the work go quicker.
Clean as you go when you cook so the counters aren't a mess at the end.
Declutter 2 things every day so there's less stuff to get messy.

Download a cleaning schedule from a place like Flylady or one of the mommy blogs to limit your cleaning.

And do things like take before and after pictures of your work to recognize that it wasn't that bad before after all.

sneakermom

Wed, May 29 2019, 9:07 pm

I never had the physical stamina that you are all describing.

Three kids.
And a full time job!
Plus two hours a day cleaning?

I could never do it.

I have always come home from work zonked! No matter if I was twenty, thirty or currently forty. I am proud if I serve a nice supper and am patient with my kids. I have no expectation of myself to clean my house.

I have cleaning help once a week and I am off that day and clean with the lady. It’s kind of fun. But only because I am not working that day and I have the strength.

I do try to clean off the table and sweep. But sometimes life happens. And I do it in the morning.

Each to their own.

33055

Wed, May 29 2019, 9:48 pm

pesek zman wrote:

I feel like I am always dropping something off or picking something up. This week, I needed new shells. I had to pick up a piece of silver that had a dent repaired. I got some watch batteries changed. I took a kid to the doctor. We went to amazing savings because somethings were needed for DC's class. I got my titters checked. I bought a gift for a vort. I had to drop off some papers. I ran out for milk. I had to exchange a pair of shoes that DH bought for DC that didn't fit correctly. I dropped DC off at school. And the week isn't half over.

Tomorrow, I have a bikur cholim call and to pick up some things for a chessed organization. This is my pleasure to help them out.

These errands take up so much time. I get dry cleaning picked up and dropped off. The pharmacy delivers. However, I don't trust deliveries from the grocery store.

I would love to know your secret to avoiding errands. I want to be a SAHM who stays at home.

33055

Wed, May 29 2019, 9:59 pm

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

There’s nothing wrong with cleaning because you want to.
There’s something wrong with cleaning even though you don’t want to and don’t need to but feel compelled to do so anyway.
You should be able to say I know the floor could use a wash but I’d rather relax. I’ll do it tomorrow.

If you can’t then consider OCD.

I spoke to a friend who is also a psychologist. She was explaining to me that X doesn't have OCD because if something doesn't get done, X doesn't obsess about it.

So it seems not that you can walk away from mopping a floor, but whether you can walk away and not obsess that your floor is not mopped.

ShishKabob

Thu, May 30 2019, 11:16 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I just want to tell you that I totally understand you.
Do you come from a Hungarian background? Because I do Smile

Listen, these expectations are not realistic nowadays.
Just like you can't be expected to wake up at dawn, milk the cow, start putting up a dough for bread, spurning your own butter, making your own noodles and cheese and kashering your own chickens and then going to the lake to wash your clothing and so on and so on.

Of course we're not expected to do the above nowadays, however....

These cleanliness expectations do not match the lifestyle of todays day and age. You can of course do it but only with cleaning help or with a huge amount of surplus energy which you don't have.

Accept the fact that you can't do it all. You are doing amazing! It's very healing.

You have little children and are working out of the home? the people that keep such a clean house usually do not give up all their waking hours for the kids and work.

Please don't compare yourself to them. You don't have their resources.

Be grateful for the life that Hashem gave you and put the clean house on hold till they all grow up and can pitch in with their fair share.

And it's not like you're not going to have a very functional clean house. You're house just won't be spotless by those ridiculous standards that you shlepped along with you from childhood.
Wishing you all the best and menuchas hanefesh and you should be able to enjoy this stage that you're in with a Simchas Hachaim.

Amom#1

Thu, May 30 2019, 11:50 am

I totally understand OP. Although I don't work out of the house full time like she does. I am bz cleaning and making sure everything is tidy, neat and clean. I do cook a lot..... Thats my passion and part of cooking is cleaning away. I love cooking and I love cleaning away. It just depends on my mood. I don't have ocd symptoms with cleaning up, as I can totally drop everything and go to sleep. *But I will definitely regret it the next morning* I'd rather stay up 2 hours at night to finish washing floors and all and get up to a fresh, clean, delicious house. There's nothing like getting up in the morning to a fresh house and tackle the day with a fresh start! That's just me! And I don't have cleaning help. I do it myself!

ShishKabob

Thu, May 30 2019, 12:01 pm

Squishy wrote:

37 minutes a day.

Squishy, I find that it's not ideal for us frum ladies that have large families to go by these numbers. I find that it just doesn't relate to us.
We have more kids and therefore, I need to peel more potatoes, carrots, squash, skin more chickens and check more rice than a family of 3.
It takes me way longer than 37 minutes just for dinner alone for my family. I'm not counting in breakfast and lunch.
I would start to think what's wrong with me because I don't conform to these numbers. It's because I can't conform due to the above.
Same with cleaning. You can't compare cleaning a house with 4 members to a house that has 14 members.
Unless the numbers go up a certain amount per additional person.

amother

Sienna

Thu, May 30 2019, 12:06 pm

OP
I can totally relate.

I feel organized in my mind when my environment is organized. And no one should be suggesting OCD or other diagnosis.. I doubt you’re qualified too, and if you were qualified to I’d hope you’d know this is not an appropriate way to.

I don’t think this is a “bad” thing per say, unless it is creating problems with your shalom bayis, if you feel overworked or overwhelmed, or if it’s making you feel inadequate in other parts of you’re life like for example a bad mom bc you’re spending time cleaning and not with your kids.
Basically, the cleaning should not knock your other responsibilities off in your life. And self care is also a responsibility!

So reflect first a little before you make some changes.
That being said, some changes should be made for sure.

What I personally do.. I hired someone to come twice a month to vacuum, mop, dust and clean windows, & they do it detailed.

This helps me to maintain the house.

Another hung I did was purchase the “‘more expensive” cleaning products.
Like swifter pads, instead of dealing with a bucket, and a rag, and a mop etc..
Or disposable one time use toilet cleaners, or surface wipes for quick clean ups from kids!
The extra $20 a month IS worth it.

During times when you know a day will be more stressful- a day full of Dr appts, or around Chag time, use disposables for dinner! Makes clean up so much faster.

The idea is to allow yourself some slack.
If you can’t go to sleep without mopping, make the mopping as simple and easy as possible- like using throw away swifter wet pad or a few!
And know that some days are bad days and ITS OK. You can strive to do what you want before you go to sleep but if you can’t for one night.. it’s really ok. Life happens and sometimes our schedules get messed up because of that.

Re being worried about the pressure or expectation to have a clean home.. I think if you work on this, you will ultimately relax about cleaning. I don’t have much advice on how to get past that aspect other than comparing yourself to others is irrational and counterproductive.

Last edited by amother on Thu, Jun 04 2020, 8:40 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Jade

Thu, May 30 2019, 12:08 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

37 minutes is descriptive, not prescriptive.

mha3484

Thu, May 30 2019, 12:11 pm

I understand too. I find that the kitchen needs to be organized so that I can make the kids breakfast without feeling like I cant find something. When I get home from work, I dont want to waste time washing pots and pans so I prioritize having a neat but not immaculate kitchen before I go to bed.

I started meal prepping the past few weeks so I dont have as many dishes to wash on a week night and its been amazing. I use real pots and pans on sunday and then store the food in plastic containers and reheat in foil pans.

Also I find that laundry makes a huge mess. We have a laundry chute so I do a pass through each room to make sure any dirty stuff is not on the floor. My kids like to help with this. I fold laundry at night when everyone is asleep. DH and I like to shmooze then or listen to a podcast.

My living room is lowest on my priority list so I dont even think about it until close to shabbos.

I find that my little kids (2 and 4) love to help me clean up and my oldest is happy to sit and do his HW or shmmoze with me. I try to not spend more then an hour a night cleaning up. When I integrate cleaning and straightening up with the other parts of my life I dont feel like its a burden.

pesek zman

Thu, May 30 2019, 12:18 pm

Squishy wrote:

Sounds like I intentionally live a simpler life. Doctors (for us) are every 6-12 months and nothing needed right now. Birthday presents are either bought online or at T.J. maxx on the weekend or evening. I have a simchat bat in a few weeks so I guess I need to get something soon. If my watch needs a battery I wear an old one till my husband is able to get to 47th street on his lunch break. I don’t wear shells. The little silver I have I don’t examine for dents. If they were dented I’d probably say ‘oh well’ My husband sometimes goes to the shoemaker for his shoes, very very occasionally I’ll go for mine. I try to use Sundays for family fun rather than errands (other than cooking which I’ll try to do in evening) Im all about keeping it simple. But BH your family is much larger than mine: if I had more kids and less of my own IF (RE) appointments and procedures, I may have more errands. Iyh by me!!