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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
How to tell kids that loved one is dying



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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jun 02 2019, 2:08 am
They’re extremely close to this person.

I have kids 11 and younger. I have no idea how I’m going to shatter their world.

Please please help me.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 02 2019, 2:18 am
Kids are more resilient than you think. They’ll get through this with minimal trauma if you handle it right.
I wouldn’t recommend telling them outright that the person is dying, especially with the younger ones. Broach it as a possibility, so it doesn’t come as a complete shock. Ex: “sometimes when a person is really sick in the hospital they can pass away”.
Little children process grief in their own way, many times through technical questions which might make you uncomfortable. Answer them anyway. No need to elaborate. Answer the questions asked.
Tell them how the Neshama goes to shamayim to be with Hashem and just the body goes in the ground. That their loved one is happy now to be with Hashem and we are sad because we will miss them.
Just be there, keep the communication lines open, and I promise you they will be okay.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 02 2019, 2:45 am
I think you need to be honest.
Grandpa (or whoever) is very sick. The doctors are trying to help him but sometimes Hashem decides that it's time for a person to come be with him.
I would help the kids with separation rituals, saying goodbye. Telling the person (and themselves) what they will miss about this person.
It is devastating to lose someone.
Preparing for the event will hopefully lessen some of the trauma.
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ellacoe




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 02 2019, 2:47 am
One of there thing to add, is that children of different ages have different concept of time. Younger children have very little concept past tomorrow. So depending on the age of some of your children, you might not want to tell them too far in advance as it might add more confusion for them.
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amother
Teal


 

Post Sun, Jun 02 2019, 2:56 am
This is a hard time for everyone!
Iknow this will sound odd but you have time to prepare them and that itself is a Bracha!

When we were in a situation where a young family member passed away suddenly we were advised to fake illness, tell them things are in Hashems hands and we need to daven that everyone should be healthy- at the same time we discussed neshama and afterlife, to little children maybe 5&7, once they got the idea we gently informed them of the family members passing. With Hashems kindness it worked and yes the children wanted to know if the neshama was closest to Hashem and if it sees other family memebers who are no longer with us etc

May it go easy!
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crbc




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 02 2019, 6:40 am
There is a jewish childrens book , cannot remember the name, I believe I bought it in Eichlers, that was very helpful for my younger kids dealing with my father' s passing.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jun 02 2019, 10:47 pm
Thank for all your responses.
They really helped. Im so so lost:(
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 02 2019, 11:02 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank for all your responses.
They really helped. Im so so lost:(

You will be okay and so will they
Not the same, but okay nonetheless
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giselle




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 02 2019, 11:04 pm
crbc wrote:
There is a jewish childrens book , cannot remember the name, I believe I bought it in Eichlers, that was very helpful for my younger kids dealing with my father' s passing.


Are you talking about “Where Has Zaidy Gone?”
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giselle




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 02 2019, 11:10 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank for all your responses.
They really helped. Im so so lost:(


A child we know passed away and I had to tell my kids right away as I was leaving for a few days to go to the levaya. I was so worried about how to tell them and reached out to a bunch of therapists I know, but didn’t get through to anyone. I ended up just telling them that I have very sad news and let them know he died. They had a few questions and I sat with them for a bit, and they were fine. They each mourned in their own way, and it was so touching to see the ways in which children mourn. So different than adults. It came up a few times after that, but Zahava is right, children really are more resilient than we give them credit for. Just keep the lines of communication open and don’t be scared to talk about it and even let them know that you yourself are grieving as well (don’t show them extreme emotions that may be hard for them to handle - but crying is totally ok and even healthy for them to see).
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lech lecha08




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 03 2019, 2:25 am
I think advanced warning of the situation helps with acceptance. My kids were 4-8 when my MIL passed away. She had been sick awhile. When the doctors gave her one month, DH and I sat with our 8 yr old and told her what the doctors said but that we should keep davening. All 3 of us sat and cried a bit and we answered her questions.
When she did actually pass away, DD gasped, squeezed my hand a few times, took a few deep breaths and was mostly ok.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Mon, Jun 03 2019, 2:53 am
I was eight when my grandfather died and was not told he was going to die
I remember waving to him from the street below his hospital window because they did not let kids in to the hospital to visit
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Mon, Jun 03 2019, 10:02 am
There is a book called "I lost someone special" for that age that is very nice. It doesn't specify who passed away (even though the pictures imply a grandfather).
Also, chai lifeline has people to speak to in these kinds of situations.
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