Who were YOU in highschool???

amother

Cyan

Tue, Jun 04 2019, 7:01 am

I was a go getter with excellent grades. Wasn't popular socially but everyone knew who I was since I was involved in many things and good at lots of things that no one else was (like technical things). I have fond memories of high school but didn't like it all that much. It went so slowly compared to the 4 years post high school.
The real issue is that in high school everyone told me I was great at everything and I would really go places. People would say I was for sure going to have the most functional home and be an amazing wife and mother. In reality, I had all the skills I needed to do well in school and today at work but none of the skills to run a home or be a mother. Still suffering for that and it hurts that I was so confident and now I'm failing so miserably

Emotional

Tue, Jun 04 2019, 7:22 am

I was the chubby kid with the big glasses who thought corny jokes were sooooo funny.
I was immature and naive. At the time I lived and breathed high school, but looking back with the clarity and wisdom that 22 years since graduating brought me, I fully understand that high school provided an escape from the craziness going on at home. My mother was experiencing a midlife crisis of sorts, my family on the whole was not emotionally healthy, and it was a toxic atmosphere to be in. I would leave for school early and stay late, desperAte to be noticed and appreciated for who I was. The hanhala was nice to me, but nice in a "there, there", pat-the-head fashion. They didn't take me seriously and I refused to see that. For example, I once had to give a dvar torah after davening, and I was so puffed up with pride at having the whole dining room silent while I imparted my words of wisdom, that it didn't even occur to me to be flabbergasted and insulted when the principal told me beforehand to only read the first page of my speech aloud because we're short on time...
Obviously she figured my dvar Torah would be so lacking in substance that it wasn't worth letting me finish what I had to say, it was a waste of everyone's time.
But I refused to see that. My home life was so painful that I refused to accept that school was painful too. Naive little me...

amother

Coral

Tue, Jun 04 2019, 8:27 am

Teachers loved me, I was a good girl and a good student, but way, way too intense. My davening took too long, I said extra tehillim all the time, read mussar and hashkafa sefarim and tried to implement them, such as trying to train my thoughts to only be for good purposes, taanis dibur, not speaking without a reason. Davening for every single choleh on the list, even if it took an hour. Thinking constantly about how short life and how to best prepare for for olam habah.

I was clueless about fashion and style, but I didn't feel like a nerd. Well I knew I was a nerd but I didn't care. Life is a gift, how can you bring yourself to care about such gashmiyus??

Beautiful, but completely unhealthy and inappropriate for a teenager. Interesting that no one tried to talk to me about it. Once, a young teacher told me I should work on simchas hachaim (lol) so I dutifully bought Rabbi Pliskin's book, Gateway to Happiness and studied it diligently. I tried to internalize psukim about Hashem's goodness so that I would be more b'simcha.

Where did this all come from? My home situation was chaotic, emotionally abusive, and I think I was pulled to the structure and order of being very frum, as well as searching for meaning. I coped with the emotional pain by telling myself that Hashem put me in that situation so it clearly was for my benefit and a chance for me to work on avodas hamidos. But, what I thought was avodas hamiddos, involved lots of self-hate.

Now, if I see a teenager acting very mature, davening, very into mussar and things that are unusual for that age, I know that's very possibly a red flag and a cry for help.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Jun 04 2019, 8:33 am

I had a dysfunctional home life (crazy mother), and a painful elementary school experience (no friends because my mom didn't help me reach out to others/make play dates etc, and I had no self esteem); luckily I was smart so people called me once in a while for my notes.
In high school I was rebellious but I had the most amazing, caring friends. They were the cool/popular kids in school. I wasn't popular per se but I was considered cool. I still had a miserable home life but these girls made me feel like it's ok to be myself. Obviously I still had issues and a lot of maturity to gain, but I'm grateful for these friends!

amother

Pink

Tue, Jun 04 2019, 8:45 am

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

You remind me of my sister
We had a chaotic family situation, I was the type to look for attention in embarrassing ways( where's that emoji?)
I cringe when I remember those silly things I did- anything to be noticed
School was a great escape for all of us.
I loved the learning, was a good student. I was friends with everyone, and I had my closer friends.( One is still an amazing friend, I love her, there's nothing like someone who knows you from your awkward days)
My sister was a Rebetzin, she was majorly OCD in many areas, especially frumkeit. We all needed"something" in order to be noticed, so this was her"thing".
It's so heartbreaking to read about difficult family situations, but in my family, we all went for therapy at some point, and we're all amazing, strong, healthy adults IMHO

amother

Linen

Tue, Jun 04 2019, 8:58 am

I was very rebellious and was constantly getting into trouble, and yet, a straight A student who took classes seriously.
I was undergoing severe abuse at home (and did not know it) and had been through 5 different elemantary schools and suffered from bullying in each one.
To top it all off my parents had made aliya when I was a preteen but because I spoke hebrew fluently I wasn't considered a new olah (Did I mention I have brains....)
I was in DESPERATE need for help and was too high functioning to be noticed by anybody.
The school would try to expel me for the stuff I was doing (makeup, mini skirts, boy friends, ect.) but since I was a great student and had no friends to influence they kept on letting me come back without bothering to try to figure out the core issues.
I was a paradox.
Eventually I made a few friends and straightened out (on the outside)
But until I got married I could not put words to what was going on.

thunderstorm

Tue, Jun 04 2019, 9:18 am

I didn't read the replies but I recently went through my highschool photos and my heart twisted inside me. I don't think I was aware of how lonely I truly was deep inside. I was too busy with my "friends". It took me to become an adult to realize these girls weren't real friends (besides for one or two). Everyone liked me and I got along with everyone even with girls from other classes and grades. But there was a constant empty lonely feeling. The only thing I looked forward to were some subjects and some teachers who really cared about me.
My best year was junior year. I hate meeting highschool classmates now. They make me want to crawl into my shell. I don't know why. While I was in school I lived it up....but was that called living? Not so sure.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Jun 04 2019, 9:36 am

It is so sad that so many of us went through 12-14 years of school unnoticed. If we weren't star pupils or those with major behaviorial issues, we weren't recognized. BH I came from a solid home. But I survived school mostly undamaged. Doing poorly academically or socially can leave life-long damage to one's self esteem.
I think a thread such as this should be a wake-up call to school staff to look out for the underachievers. Look out for the ones misbehaving so they can get some much needed (albeit negative) attention. Read between the lines. See the silent calls for help.
If we would catch the issues early enough, perhaps the at-risk population would be reduced.
Hugs to all my fellow school sufferers.

amother

Navy

Tue, Jun 04 2019, 9:46 am

I was the nerd, A+ student, deeply spiritual and not afraid to show it. I came from a more MO elementary and chose an all-girls HS an hour's drive away. I think because I felt like it was my choice to go there I had a positive attitude in general and didn't resent the rules.
There were definitely ups and downs over the four years but I was mostly happy. I made friends with some nice kids, had some amazing teachers, learned a lot. Being in production helped me make friends in different grades and learn to let go and have fun a little.

if I could go back and change things I think I would have read a little less and tried to be friends with more kids. I was judgy back then and if you were too cool or made trouble in class I had no patience. But under the exterior some of those kids were probably nice. I would have reached out more to teachers, I felt like they needed to make time for the troubled kids but really everyone can use a mentor.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Jun 04 2019, 11:04 am

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

wow! how did you come to the realization that this isn't the norm? asking bec I have a child like this! (in therapy but hasn't been helping yet) home life is somewhat chaotic but I don't think enough to cause these behaviors and honestly at least half of the chaos is because of the behavior of this child. but please please tell me more... at what point did you stop being like this? what helped you change? thank you!

Cheshire cat

Tue, Jun 04 2019, 11:15 am

thunderstorm wrote:

Your post really resonates with me, down to the pit in my stomach when I look at photos from that time.
It took time and distance to gain clarity though.

amother

Tan

Tue, Jun 04 2019, 11:21 am

I was the best version of myself...but the worst years of my life...
I went to a coed, very modern HS. I wore pants, shorts, but was SO sincere - davened three times a day with tremendous kavana, learned shnayim mikra echad targum every week, etc.
now I am more outwardly "frum" but long for those days.
but...I was too "cool" for the outwardly religious kids and too religious for the cool kids. I had many acquaintances but no friends. I didn't belong in a school with boys. everyone used me for my notes throughout HS. The lowest point was in 12th grade when two boys asked me for my notes and for the first time I didn't immediately say yes. I later found out that they broke in to my locker and stole my notes. I did nothing about it because I didn't want anyone to be upset with me. I am in my fifties and know this sounds crazy, but am still traumatized.

amother

Coral

Tue, Jun 04 2019, 3:52 pm

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

How is your dc causing chaos? While I'm sure my extreme frumminess was annoying at times, I don't think it ever caused chaos. Being so obsessive over my frumkeit made me feel safe, that I was able to be in control of myself, whereas the adults were unable to do so.

I also think some people have a natural tendency toward perfectionism, and that's a big part of this. Do you see your dc as perfectionistic? If so, you can google, How to raise a perfectionistic child, and you'll get lots of hits.