DD3 “So I won’t have friends”

amother

Wed, Jun 05 2019, 6:25 am

My 3 year old is K”H very smart, verbal, seems to be doing well socially at playgroup (there’s about four kids she names when talking about who she played with), all of those things. A few weeks ago she had a fight over a toy with a friend and we discussed how you have to be nice to people, not be mean. Since then she’s been saying off and on that she will be mean to other kids, because there’s one very close friend she has in playgroup (she lives on our block and they play together at home also) so “I will be friends with her, but so and so I’ll be mean to”. I tell her if she’s mean to others than nobody will want to be her friend, she says so this one girl will be my friend. I tell her remember when others were mean to you, how bad that felt. (She never really comes up with a good response for that one). I tell her the Torah says be nice and it’s a mitzvah, she started saying The Torah says it’s a mitzvah to be mean. All these kind of things. I feel like she keeps bringing it up because she’s waiting for me to give her an answer she can accept. I know it’s the age and I’m not worried that she really will feel this way long term but I’m wondering if there’s some good answer I’m supposed to be giving her that I haven’t done yet?

Why should a three year old want to be nice to other kids?

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jun 05 2019, 6:32 am

There is no logical or religious explanation that will satisfy her. She needs hard rules and boundaries at that age.

The rule at gan is "No being mean, no hitting, and share toys."

She doesn't have to like everyone, but she does have to follow the rules.

Period, end of subject. Just keep repeating that, and she'll eventually quit harping on it. She'll see that it's more fun to be nice, anyway.

Next, she will want to know if you will still love her, even if she robs a bank or murders someone. Kids are constantly looking to define their environments, and they want to know where they stand in the world. Be prepared to be tested in all kinds of odd ways as your child becomes more and more aware of her surroundings.

My favorite: "Why should I have to clean up MY room, when YOURS is such a mess!" LOL

imasinger

Wed, Jun 05 2019, 6:39 am

I've been teaching music to preschool kids for decades, and have dealt with raising my own challenging children as well.

It sounds to me like two factors may be at play here. One, the sense of power that comes from getting her desires at the expense of another, and two, the full attention you may focus on her when she says these provocative things to you. Underneath it may be an immature thought that you are afraid she's not a nice person.

My advice would be to stop focusing on the meanness aspect. Instead, look for instances of kindness to get enthusiastic about; other people's when there's a role model, but particularly hers. Let her see that you perceive her as a kind girl, even if she slips sometimes. Call attention to everything you can in terms of kindness. As she dashes into the house ahead of you, thank her for being so thoughtful as to open the door. Tell DH in front of her about any thoughtful things she does. Banish the word "mean" from your vocabulary. If you must admonish, say, "that wasn't like you, you're usually so kind/giving to friends."

Eventually, she'll hopefully internalize that, as opposed to internalizing the message that she's mean.

Hatzlacha!