Kid not afraid to sit in my chair
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Post  Tue, Jun 11 2019, 12:17 pm
A 1.5 doesn’t understand that much yet.
Sad that you want your baby to feel afraid to do something..
That is very misguided.
When your children are older you can explain to them that they shouldn’t sit in their parents seats. It should come from respect and love, not fear.
It’s not applicable to a child this age.
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Post  Tue, Jun 11 2019, 12:24 pm
amother [ Mint ] wrote:
Frum families do things just the way your family did, enforcing household rules as developmentally appropriate. You wouldn't ask a toddler to make her own bed or load the dishwasher, even though that might be a household rule later on. Same with religious rules - you can't expect a small child to know the difference between milk and meat, or the difference between shabbos and weekdays. You don't serve milk and meat together, and when a child asks for milk to go with his hamburger, you'll just offer a substitute and say we don't have milk and meat together. Or if a child wants to color on shabbos, you offer a different toy and say, on shabbos we play with this instead. Kids pick up what they see. It takes years. Don't second guess yourself and don't think that your kids need to be tzaddikim from birth. They need to be loved. Everything else is just the details.


Funny story - DH started tacking on Vehaya Im Shamoa to DS2's bedtime routine. After a few evenings, I asked him why, since I felt it made Shema too long for DS' attention span.

He looked at me nonplussed: "He's going to have to know the whole Shema soon. We'd better start teaching him now!"

It took quite a while for him to believe that no one says the full Shema until they're at least 9, usually after bar/bat mitzvah.
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Post  Tue, Jun 11 2019, 12:25 pm
Additionally: "fear" is an inaccurate translation of יראה. "Awe" is a much better term. Your home atmosphere should cultivate a sense of awe and respect for the parents, not fear.
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Post  Tue, Jun 11 2019, 1:38 pm
Rappel wrote:
Additionally: "fear" is an inaccurate translation of יראה. "Awe" is a much better term. Your home atmosphere should cultivate a sense of awe and respect for the parents, not fear.

Well said.

We don't instill fear in kids. We instill all our love and care. Kids naturally respect parents if the parents are good loving parents and good role models and mentchlich.
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Post  Tue, Jun 11 2019, 1:56 pm
If I recall correctly , I was taught not to sit in my father's chair when I went to school. Prior to that , we were too young to understand. Once we went to school we were taught about kibbud Av v'aim and that's when we learned about this concept of RESPECTING our father by not sitting in his chair. There was no mention ever in my life of FEARING my father. Also, my mother was not makpid about us not sitting in her chair . This was something we only did for my father and if we asked him permission we were allowed to sit in his seat as well if we wanted to. But we asked first.
Teaching a child to fear a parent only backfires . It doesn't matter if they are 1.5 or 15. It's not something we do.
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Post  Tue, Jun 11 2019, 3:42 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
Because you sound young, and this is your first child. Because you expect a baby to "fear you" and respect a chair that looks like all the other chairs (I'm assuming). Because you think that which chair your baby chooses reflects something negative about your relationship with your child, and with Yiddishkeit in general. Because the "chair" is a metaphor for respect, not a literal halacha.

Maybe this is just your baby's way of saying that he wants to be like Mommy, or to feel close to you, or to get your attention.

If you label a chair "Moishe's Special Chair", there is a good chance that your baby will want to only sit in his chair, and will leave yours alone.

The hug button is not a dislike button!
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Post  Tue, Jun 11 2019, 7:51 pm
OP, when he's older, like around 4 or 5, if he sits in your place you can just warmly and smilingly say "oops, that's Mommy's chair," then pat a different chair and say "come sit over here, sweetie" and give him a kiss on his keppie when he does, so it's clear it's not a big deal.
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Post  Tue, Jun 11 2019, 8:44 pm
כבד את אביך ואת אמך. Honoring Where does it say to fear?

Nowadays love is paramount. A good relationship with one's children is a prerequisite for success in raising them.
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Post  Wed, Jun 12 2019, 1:05 am
איש אביו ואמו תיראו
but @Rappel is right , יראה is awe, not fear
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Post  Wed, Jun 12 2019, 8:39 am
A parent is allowed to waive their honor in this area. My rabbi husband lets my five year old sit in his chair. Don't be afraid to ask your rabbi shylas. There is no way to learn everything otherwise. Rabbonim don't mind. it's what they are there for.
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Post  Wed, Jun 12 2019, 8:55 pm
My father lets us sit in his chair. When I first learned about this whole thing in school I asked him if I had permission to and if I had to ask him every time I wanted to and he said no I did not. I respect my father so I don't sit in his chair when he is in the room. Basically I make sure it's available for him and I don't put him in the position to ever ask me to let him sit in his own chair.
I think this is seriously taking something and making a huge deal out of it. People focus on such small things sometimes when there are such bigger things to really care and worry about.
IMO we should teach our children to love and respect us not to fear us.
Wait until your child is a bit older and then introduce the concept of it being "your" chair and really only make it a big deal if you actually care about it.
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Post  Wed, Jun 12 2019, 10:12 pm
I think you need a personal parenting mentor who can help you shape a practical approach to chinuch. I didn't read the replies in detail but I think I did pick up that you are a BT with valid concerns that you aren't familiar with typical development of religious understanding. You would benefit greatly from having someone who can coach you and personally answer these questions as they come up.
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Post  Wed, Jun 12 2019, 10:28 pm
To the huggers: this is why we can't have nice things.
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Post  Thu, Jun 13 2019, 10:59 am
also a BT. for 40 years. I taught my kids from toddler-age not to sit in their father's chair (no issues with my chair, according to what I learned) out of respect for Totty, not fear. I also maintain that starting early helps, and that waiting until 3 involves un-learning some behaviors. Just easier to gently move them from Totty's chair, and say, "that's where Totty sits". end of story. eventually, they begin to make the connection.
we also taught our kids that Mommy always gets kiddush and challah first, then the kids, starting with the oldest first. and they learned to wait patiently, believe it or not. also with the gentle reminders that Totty gives Mommy first, out of honor for her.
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Post  Thu, Jun 13 2019, 11:38 am
A parent is allowed to be mochel on their kavod. Personally, I could care less about my kids sitting in my chair. I'm not attached to it. It's just a chair. But, they always ask me permission before sitting in it, which is really a nice thing, and in truth it does encourage a certain level of respect. So I assume they learned about it in school and figured it out on their own.

Good Luck!
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