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ISO single moms who have moved to a new community
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Jun 11 2019, 10:34 pm
I might need to and I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has done the same. I know some people who moved to be closer to family when they became single but I'm going the opposite way (too expensive to stay near family even with the benefits.) It's very overwhelming. I feel like I can handle actually doing it though it will be very hard, but having to make the decisions and arrangements on my own is emotionally so overwhelming. I try talking to people I trust who are very supportive and help me talk through the issues but ultimately they aren't going to be able to tell me what to do.

I know many people's husbands are more trouble than they're worth but right now I really want the kind that says "whatever happens, we'll be in it together."
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amother




Aquamarine


Post  Wed, Jun 12 2019, 12:06 am
Baltimore has a strong single mom community, if you are looking for a place. I am grateful I live here
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amother




Sienna


Post  Wed, Jun 12 2019, 12:13 am
I moved after my husband died when my kids were little. I remember everyone being really nice to me.
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amother




OP


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 11:55 am
Aquamarine, did you move to Baltimore while single with kids or did you just happen to find it supportive when you became single?

What I need the most chizuk with right now:
1. Carrying the mental burden alone. I think I can handle the moving itself but I can't handle deciding when and where on my own and there's no one to share the decision making process with me. I have people who will talk and listen but of course they can't tell me what to do.
2. Fear of caring for the kids on my own until we get to know people. Where I am now we have a support network. I lived here before my divorce so when I was on my own I already knew who I could call on to babysit, or take my kids on a school day off, etc. Wherever I go next I will be very alone. Even if people are super nice it's a strange way to start a relationship.
3. The other part of the mental burden. Trying to get hold of all the things that need to be researched, doing that research, making sense of the results, making all the arrangements, getting everything organized... And regular life continues while that is all happening and I've only just about gotten the hang of that in the first place. So while I'm taking the mental burden of planning a move on my own, I'm also carrying the mental burden of current school, camp, job, doctor and therapist appointments, housekeeping, etc etc and it just feels like too much already but yet this has to happen. And I have to be the one to make it happen because there is no one else.

I usually don't get into this lonely self pity mode but this parsha is majorly triggering that. It's huge for me.
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asmileaday




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 12:06 pm
Op I don't have any advice for you.
The way you wrote everything down gave me a tiny glimpse into the world of single motherhood and wow it's overwhelming.
I wish you a lot of clarity and hatzloche. Wherever you choose to go should be with lots of mazel.
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amother




Linen


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 12:14 pm
amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:
Baltimore has a strong single mom community, if you are looking for a place. I am grateful I live here


Agree with this. There are a lot of them and they really reach out to everyone. I am remarried now, but we host single parents (not just moms!) frequently.
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amother




OP


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 12:34 pm
That sounds wonderful. Because my family is in NY I want to stay closer within tristate area so I can participate in simchas and visit for Shabbos regularly.
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amother




Linen


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 12:37 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
That sounds wonderful. Because my family is in NY I want to stay closer within tristate area so I can participate in simchas and visit for Shabbos regularly.

There is actually a brand new initiative going on that the first of every month there are different hosts throughout town who will be hosting singles (never married, divorced, etc) with or without their kids. Its a wonderful community.
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amother




OP


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 12:39 pm
That's lovely but it's still too far from my family. If anyone knows of a community with similar support that's within 2 hours if NYC I would love to hear about it.
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amother




Pink


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 1:05 pm
can you reach out to sister sister and see if they have any recommendations? I know there are singles in Passaic nj both with and without kids but don't know what the support system is like there.
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amother




OP


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 2:43 pm
asmileaday wrote:
Op I don't have any advice for you.
The way you wrote everything down gave me a tiny glimpse into the world of single motherhood and wow it's overwhelming.
I wish you a lot of clarity and hatzloche. Wherever you choose to go should be with lots of mazel.

Amen and thanks.
Day to day single parenting is not really worse than a husband who works crazy hours or is emotionally distant, and it's far better than a truly dysfunctional marriage. So day to day I don't feel so hard about my life. But when it comes to things like making huge decisions, that's where there's the biggest difference. I mean even if you're forced to move to a place you hate because your husband has a necessary job there, at least you aren't the one solely responsible for the choice and you can see the difficulties as a sacrifice for your shalom bayis. Making sacrifices for things my husband was hellbent on was simpler than the agony of trying to prophesize what will be the best home for me and my kids.
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amother




Gray


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 4:25 pm
There is a funny saying we have here in Baltimore. "The distance from NY to Baltimore is farther than the distance from Baltimore to NY" It's really in the mindset. We have lived in both Baltimore and NY and had parents/in-laws in the other. You get used to the travel. It doesn't become a big deal. I am not single so I cannot relate in that sense, but I do live in Baltimore and have family in NY and simchas in NY and you just go. We recently had a wedding in NY and we drove in for the evening and back out. It's tiring, but you don't think about it and just do it. So if you are willing to do the travel (which once you get used to really isn't too bad), Baltimore is a wonderful warm community.
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amother




Turquoise


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 4:39 pm
amother [ Gray ] wrote:
There is a funny saying we have here in Baltimore. "The distance from NY to Baltimore is farther than the distance from Baltimore to NY" It's really in the mindset. We have lived in both Baltimore and NY and had parents/in-laws in the other. You get used to the travel. It doesn't become a big deal. I am not single so I cannot relate in that sense, but I do live in Baltimore and have family in NY and simchas in NY and you just go. We recently had a wedding in NY and we drove in for the evening and back out. It's tiring, but you don't think about it and just do it. So if you are willing to do the travel (which once you get used to really isn't too bad), Baltimore is a wonderful warm community.


Yes so true! (I actually live in NY!)
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amother




Royalblue


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 4:42 pm
I'm getting heart palpitations just reading your posts, OP.
I'm really not sure a move would be beneficial to you in any way, not even financially. And I think it would be an unbearable strain, under your circumstances. Tuition costs OOT are high, and that would offset the savings you would get from better rent. Also, if you rely on a support network for childcare, it really doesn't make sense to do this move.

It would make the most sense to stay where you are and find a way to cut expenses however you can
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amother




Beige


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 4:52 pm
I thought from another thread you were considering Philly. What went wrong with that?
Honestly, there’s no guarantee that things will be perfect wherever you go. You just have to daven and reach out to people. If you have connections it could be easier.
Many people will tell you that if your kids are doing well now you shouldn’t rock the boat. A move is something major for a school child.
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amother




OP


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 5:49 pm
Amother with Baltimore not being as far as it sounds - I know my limitations. My kids don't travel great and I have no one to share the drive with. And if I have to drive 4 hours to get to NY that means I am not going for Shabbos all winter. That's a long time to not see family.

Yes, I am the same amother considering Philly. I still am. It looks lovely. I'm just still considering different option and having a hard time thinking about committing.

Unfortunately not moving is not an option. We can last where we are for maybe one more year at most. The question is when and where, not if. One of the things that's attracting me to PA is state funded tuition credits. We get a tuition break where we currently are anyway but I don't want to become a leech on any community if I can help it.
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amother




Blush


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 5:54 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Amen and thanks.
Day to day single parenting is not really worse than a husband who works crazy hours or is emotionally distant, and it's far better than a truly dysfunctional marriage. So day to day I don't feel so hard about my life. But when it comes to things like making huge decisions, that's where there's the biggest difference. I mean even if you're forced to move to a place you hate because your husband has a necessary job there, at least you aren't the one solely responsible for the choice and you can see the difficulties as a sacrifice for your shalom bayis. Making sacrifices for things my husband was hellbent on was simpler than the agony of trying to prophesize what will be the best home for me and my kids.


Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I'm in Passaic and am very happy here. My friends are my family. It works for us, but make sure you can manage the tuition before you come. The schools are not thrilled when people move to the community with multiple children in school already who cannot, nor plan to have the ability to do so in the future, pay the minimum tuition. Good luck.
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amother




OP


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 6:30 pm
When you say cannot "pay the minimum tuition" what does that mean?
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amother




Blush


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 6:33 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
When you say cannot "pay the minimum tuition" what does that mean?


Each school has their own formula, but I believe it's around $4k to $5k a kid.
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amother




Linen


Post  Fri, Jun 14 2019, 6:45 pm
OP, before thinking this all over - did your ex agree, in writing, to let you leave the state?
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