People commenting on my daughters beauty

amother

Sun, Jun 16 2019, 9:41 pm

Dh and I are average looking at best. Recently my almost 5 year old has been getting a lot of comments on her looks. Shes tall for her age and thin.. shes young enough for non tznius outfits so she looks very cute. In addition to that when the sun comes out her hair gets streaked beautifully and she gets very tanned.

I think shes yummy because shes mine but I dont like putting any value on looks and id be very grateful if she didnt hear what people were saying about her. I find myself making shh sounds when people say things in front of her.
Am I being crazy? Should she hear and appreciate what hashem has given her? Or best she develops self esteem outside of her looks?

crust

Sun, Jun 16 2019, 9:48 pm

She can develop confidence in both.

I constantly tell my girls that they are gorgeous.
I'm not sure why people decided that its bad chinuch to compliment on beauty.
Would you compliment a nice voice? Why is this different?

As long as you remember to thank The One that created It.

lucky14

Sun, Jun 16 2019, 9:57 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I dont think its bad chinuch but beauty and talent dont fit into the same category in my opinion, at all

So make sure that you point out (to her) the other aspects of her that you really admire (helpfulness, thoughtfulness, talents, etc). I wouldn't shush the people who comment on her looks though.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Jun 16 2019, 9:57 pm

I can totally relate. One of my kids (8yr old) is exceptionally beautiful and the comments annoy me.
I don't want my other kids feeling bad, when people comment on this one daughter.
It's especially freaky when men comment.
I've even gotten comments like " wow, she's beautiful! She looks Nothing like you!" Uh, thanks...

amother

Crimson

Sun, Jun 16 2019, 10:07 pm

I would tell my daughter that Hashem gave her a beautiful voice, good brains, kind heart etc
I would also say that He gave her beautiful auburn hair, gorgeous green eyes..... even though she's average looking
I want her to feel like an awesome person inside and out.
I'm considered to be a pretty woman, but I have major issues, it's an extremely triggering area for me, and I haven't gotten to the bottom of it yet. I don't know if this is one of the reasons for it, but my mother always used to tell me and my sisters, "You're gorgeous anyhow, so you don't need this ( makeup, clothing...)"
I don't think there's anything wrong with a child growing up looking into the mirror and believing that they're pretty.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jun 16 2019, 10:15 pm

It's a problem if another sibling is standing right there. My sister had the most gorgeous, long dark hair, with soft natural curls and sun streaks. I had a dishwater blonde page boy haircut. I was also a very awkward adolescent, and she was 3 years younger than I was, and hadn't hit that stage yet. I absolutely hated it when people would oooh and aaaah abut how stunning she was. I'd be sitting there, feeling like an invisible plate of chopped liver.

DD was a very pretty little girl. She was charming, and everyone told me she looked like a porcelain doll. I made sure that at home we knew that having good middos, being kind, compassionate, sharing, and loyal to our friends were also good things. I did my best to balance out the messages she got that were based on her looks. In the end, she will pay more attention to what she hear at home, than she will some stranger on the street.

I had a friend over one, and while we were hanging out, I told DD that she was my pretty girl. My friend almost burst into tears. She said that her parents were atheist intellectuals, and that they always praised her academic success. Not once did they ever tell her that she was pretty. The lack of validation in that department led to a serious eating disorder, and some unhealthy attention seeking from men. She wished so much her parents would have realized that a girl needs to hear nice things about her looks now and then.

amother

Bronze

Sun, Jun 16 2019, 10:27 pm

My daughter is 4.5 and I’ve been getting compliments on her beautiful face and hair since she was a baby. One of the frum companies even asked me if they can use her as a model. I am grateful that of all my kids it was her that got the beauty because she gets speech therapy OT and PT and her teachers tell me she is not catching onto aleph Bais so well. This may be nuts but hopefully her beauty will give her some self confidence if she ends up being weaker academically....

Laiya

Sun, Jun 16 2019, 10:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I dont think its bad chinuch but beauty and talent dont fit into the same category in my opinion, at all

Why not? They're both from Hashem.

Agree with others here. I say, Hashem made you beautiful.

I think it's important for children and adults to feel that they are nice looking. And imo every child has beauty.

amother

Sun, Jun 16 2019, 10:44 pm

To everyone saying they can relate thank you!

To all the huggers- no thanks Smile

)

Talents arent showcased every min of a persons life. You dont walk dont the street with talents out in the open. In addition to that most talents need to be mastered even if it is there naturally, it needs practice and nurturing so to compliment on that does seem less shallow in a way...

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Jun 16 2019, 11:02 pm

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

Same exact.

I only have 2 daughters, and one is strikingly beautiful, other has her charm but is average. Everywhere I go, people comment that she gorgeous and more commonly "What? She's yours???"/"Can't believe that's one of yours!!" etc. She is also very social and well-liked, has a million friends, while her sister struggles in that area.

I feel terrible for the other older one who often overhears these comments and knows she never gets them.

It's hard, but I remind myself that Hashem gave each of us exactly what we need to accomplish our life's mission - looks included.

And I always respond that her inside is more beautiful. And try to publicly point out amazing things about the other sister at times - not in direct response obviously.

crust

Sun, Jun 16 2019, 11:21 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

To everyone saying they can relate thank you!

To all the huggers- no thanks Smile

I understand where you are coming from.

How about we redefine shallow?
Giving another human being a good vibe is a chesed.
It doesn't really matter if that human being is your own child.
It doesn't matter if that person worked hard on acquiring what you are complimenting them on.

I also get very antsy when people tell me Oh she's goooohooorgez!! I'm afraid of too many eyes.

As soon as I tell them 'Yea... Tell Hashem how beautiful He creates' they realize it wasn't the best conversation starter.

They'll say yea... she looks just like Tante Yael blablabla. And then I'll nicely redirect the conversation.

amother

Ecru

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 12:32 am

My pre schoolers name is Bella, she’s very cute and she just has this sweetness about her. Since she was a baby nearly every person she meets tells her she’s beautiful - especially when they hear her name.
She knows she’s pretty and for a while I almost regretted naming her after my great grandmother...
I try to balance it out by complementing her on other areas as well.

Especially when it’s family members who will only comment on her looks or what she’s wearing, I will jump in and add something else.

Savta - “Hi Bella, I love your shabbos dress, you look gorgeous! My beautiful girl!”
Me - “yes and she’s so brave, aren’t you Bella? We went to the park and she climbed so high even though she was a bit nervous”

potatoes

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 1:22 am

I also have a gorgeous, model looking young young girl

I dont like when people look at her in that way or comment about her beauty.
I do and will answer: it's a gift from Hashem, what's important is that she has middos tovos.
to her, I tell her once in a while she is beautiful like I do to all my girls here and there, like any mother does.

mommy201

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 12:05 pm

crust wrote:

I think there's a difference between complimenting someone and a parent putting emphasis on an external quality - beauty, talent, looks.....

You dont want they're external qualities to define them especially as they grow older. We all know people who's parents put emphasis on externals and how it makes them a certain way when they are older.

I don't think its wrong to tell your child that they are beautiful, but it shouldnt be an emphasis. And they fact that their insides are beautiful and their hard work and middos is what matters - that should be much more of a focus.

SixOfWands

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 12:12 pm

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

Never comment on one child without commenting on the others.

"Is that your new baby sister? Well, I can see she's going to be as beautiful as you are!"

"I just love Malka's curls. And Tali's pageboy is so chic, it brings out her eyes!"

And, of course, always intermix comments on how smart/kind/generous they are with comments about their looks.