People commenting on my daughters beauty

groovy1224

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 12:21 pm

I think you're probably better off saying something like 'bH she is beautiful on the inside and out.'

You don't want to teach her that her beauty is something to be ashamed of, but you of course want to teach her that what matters more are her middos and how she treats others. She will probably continue to get comments in the future, so it's better to show her now that she doesn't need to deny it or squash it down, but she should not rely on it for future success and validation.

nchr

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 12:22 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Never comment on one child without commenting on the others.

"Is that your new baby sister? Well, I can see she's going to be as beautiful as you are!"

"I just love Malka's curls. And Tali's pageboy is so chic, it brings out her eyes!"

And, of course, always intermix comments on how smart/kind/generous they are with comments about their looks.

I happen to disagree with this on principle. Children each have their own pros and cons and do not need to have everything their siblings or friends do, especially from total strangers.

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 1:52 pm

One of my daughters was strikingly beautiful as a kid. I used to feel like putting a paper bag over her head when I took her out. Now she's an adult and still beautiful but not striking. As are her sisters. I tell my husband that he was rewarded for marrying me despite my looks with beautiful daughters Tongue Out

imasoftov

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 2:04 pm

crust wrote:

I'm afraid of too many eyes

No criticism, just trying to understand. Is this an ayin hara concern, and also is it a thing against AH to just say eye? Or is it a practical concern, there more eyes, the greater chance one of them might be the bad kind?

amother

Jade

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 4:35 pm

I have a striking DS. People outside our community have commented about it his whole life. If you’re worried about it making her conceited it has had the opposite effect for my mesivta DS. He has a solid understanding that it’s what’s inside that matters partly because of the comments. Not sure if it’s the same for a DD because I don’t have one that old yet. I do know that you can’t stop the comments or train others. I think it’s best to not draw attention to it by overcompensating.

Anon bc I don’t want any more shidduchim offers.

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 5:12 pm

Did not read the entire thread but I get the worry.
One dd is very beautiful & looks very different than my other kids (think all blond w one dark).
She got complemented on her looks from when she was a baby.
No matter how many times we taught her that the inside matters, it affected her.
She's very inti how she looks; she will automatically dislike ppl based on their looks, it made her quite shallow tbh.
I hate it bec it is very not the way we are raising our family at all.

However I don't think you can stop ppl from complementing your dd. Just be aware of the pitfalls.

amother

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 5:22 pm

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

Im OP this is what im afraid of. Some people here are having a hard time understanding that. I just dont want it to become a focus. Especially because shes girlg by nature as is and cares to have long hair etc ...

crust

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 5:43 pm

imasoftov wrote:

I don't believe in AH but in the same time I'm conscious about being too anything and causing other people to be jealous.

I don't really plan to evaluate it. Its ingrained.

crust

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 6:29 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm comfortable that a parent like you will know how to instill other values as well but its actually important for a girl to feel girly and care about her looks.

amother

Lilac

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 8:41 pm

I always follow up with “ yes my dd is both beautiful inside and outside BH! Thank you!”

This comment works and reinforces the true meaning of beauty!

amother

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 8:56 pm

I was sitting outside this afternoon and a neighbor strolled by with her baby and she said " do people ever tell you how beautiful your daughter is"
So I said I hope her insides reflect that- that seemed like a popular answer from here on the forum. I felt like the biggest snob. She was like okayyyy and strolled away Hiding

bluebaker

Tue, Jun 18 2019, 12:24 am

and now more people are commenting on it. Just don't make a big deal about it at all. Say thanks and move on to another subject like the weather.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Jun 18 2019, 12:27 am

I love when people notice my daughter's beauty. I was never beautiful like that so I feel I live through her! I see nothing at all wrong with it, beauty is no different than brains or charm. all are gifts from hashem!

amother

Purple

Tue, Jun 18 2019, 12:30 am

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

Curious, how did it make him realize it’s what’s on the inside that matters? Is it because you taught it to him? Where did he learn that it’s quite impressive

amother

Green

Tue, Jun 18 2019, 9:50 am

You cannot control what other people say, but you can show your daughter what you value.
Funny, cuz I used to get comments like that when I was older (when shopping - "oh, you should be a model!") and it drove my mother crazy!!! She always used to snob out the person who said it.

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Jun 18 2019, 10:06 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Burkas for everyone! Full niqab, of course. Hiding

I am really beautiful and really need one, do you know where in Monsey I can find one?
I would like to try it on so that I can make sure that it really hangs on me and doesn't cling or ride up on my face.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jun 18 2019, 12:12 pm

amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:

Burkas R' Us, where all the fashionable beauties shop!

They come in every shade of black you can imagine. Wink

tigerwife

Tue, Jun 18 2019, 12:37 pm

I think all women should believe they are beautiful. It can only instill confidence. Vanity is not equal to confidence.

I was raised like this and although I know my features are far from perfect, I believe I always look nice. It certainly beats being tormented by my physical imperfections.

I don’t want my daughters to feel proud of their looks (I think they are gorgeous but I am their biased mother after all Very Happy

). I just don’t want them to suffer from lack of self-esteem over something that really has nothing to do with success. I want them to be proud of their accomplishments, the things they worked for. I don’t want them ever to feel embarrassed for how they look.