Would you dye grey hairs of 20yr old daughter

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Ema of 5

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 9:38 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I’m not forcing her but we were discussing and I mentioned she could. I guess I’m concerned regarding shidduchim and the way ppl say no even for minor things.
How about if I posed the question this way..??
Would you or your son be turned off from dating a girl with a recognizable amount of grey in her hair???

I know this will sound shallow to some but I’m simply unsure if or how this should be managed- along with her wishes of course.
Please be kind in your responses.
TIA

If an idiot will say no to her because she has some white hairs, that’s not the right guy for her anyway. Seriously? I don’t understand people. Looks are fleeting. I was a size 0/2/4 when I got married. I’ve gained 40lbs since then, and it doesn’t look like it will be going away any time soon. Of course there needs to be attraction within a couple, but you can’t base a relationship on that.
Good for her for being confident with her appearance, so many people her age, and even older, are not!! The right guy will APPRECIATE that confidence, not try to mask it and squelch it.

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 11:41 am

Ema of 4 wrote:

There are so many people to go through before any boy meets OP's daughter. Any one of them could be an idiot blocking the gate. It is better to look your best.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 11:54 am

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

There are so many people to go through before any boy meets OP's daughter. Any one of them could be an idiot blocking the gate. It is better to look your best.

More like its better to look as close to what and idealized 20 year old looks like as possible.

LittleMissMama

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 12:33 pm

Exactly, it's best to look like a 20 year old. It is very uncommon for a 20 year to have gray hair and the reality is we're talking about young adults dating, not particularly mature adults who should know on a deeper level that some gray hair is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

chanatron1000

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 12:46 pm

I think gray hair on a young person is a beautiful, unique feature that should not be erased, like red hair.

amother

Babypink

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 12:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She has quite a bunch and pretty obvious in her straight hair.

She says she thinks it adds personality!!
I’m not so sure...

Edited

Your daughter is old enough to have autonomy over her hair. If she wants to dye them so be it. But honestly, it is not your choice.

I actually think there is something special about being comfortable to show your hair like that. It might be more of a shock/betrayal to a DH who thinks his wife has brown hair but discovers after marriage that she has dyed gray hair.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 12:51 pm

LittleMissMama wrote:

The 20 year old owner of the grey hair thinks is great.

Its the "mature adult" 'middle people' who seem to have the issue.

LittleMissMama

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 12:54 pm

I think it's great she so confident! But the OP mentioned shidduchim, right? And the reality is, we all adhere to social norms to make life a bit easier. Gray hair is simply very atypical on a 20 year old.

amother

Oak

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 12:55 pm

I have a daughter about that age. It has been several years since I have had any say in her personal appearance, and only limited influence for several years prior to that. On a practical level, it doesn't matter what I think or want. She has both autonomy and strong opinions which I respect.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 12:59 pm

LittleMissMama wrote:

Gray hair is atypical on a 20 year old not because most 20 year olds dye their hair.

Not sure there is a social norm for a 20 year old dye to her hair.

Kiwi13

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 1:05 pm

If OP’s daughter decides later on to color her hair for shidduchim, that’s her prerogative. There’s no harm in at least starting off the way she is happiest. Confidence is a beautiful trait. A woman who carries herself with confidence tends to look more attractive than someone with “objectively” nicer features who carries herself timidly. OP, let your daughter’s personality shine. Smile

Rappel

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 1:06 pm

I, personally, think it's awesome.

There was a girl in my high school class who had black hair, which slowly streaked with grey as we aged. I thought it was the coolest! By 12th grade, about a third of it was grey, and it looked absolutely beautiful - it was sleek and wavy, and unique. Then one day she dyed it, for shidduchim, and her plain black hair was just that - shiny black hair, just like everyone else. I was so disappointed for her.

I think that answers both of OP's questions.

Ema of 5

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 1:10 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

There are so many people to go through before any boy meets OP's daughter. Any one of them could be an idiot blocking the gate. It is better to look your best.

I wasn’t only referring to the guy. I was referring to anyone who would say no because she has gray hairs. I had some gray hairs at 20, and I never dyed them. It never even occurred to me.

amother

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 1:48 pm

Thanks for all the diverse responses. It’s obvious that many feel the Importance of dying it while others commend my daughter for her confidence in her unique style.
I personally have always celebrated her unique character and tremendous self confidence for it is something special. At the same time...I believe it’s important to tow the line at times, even if we don’t completely agree with societal expectations for society is not always ready to accept differences, as they should and ultimately it would be a shame to be sidelined for sonething relatively simple to “fix”.
Arguebly, shidduchim May be one of those times. That’s a personal perspective which can be different for the group/faction of Judaism one associates with.

In my op I mentioned my daughter has some slight limitations and at times needs help with a reality check, and sometimes even asks for guidance- hence our discussion regarding dying her hair as well as my post here, seeking others thoughts and opinions.

sarahmalka

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 2:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

In my op I mentioned my daughter has some slight limitations and at times needs help with a reality check, and sometimes even asks for guidance- hence our discussion regarding dying her hair as well as my post here, seeking others thoughts and opinions.

I did not see mentioned that your DD has some slight limitations, what do you mean?

IMO, gray hair would not bother me. To me it would be a plus, showing independent thinking and someone non-conformist, thinking for herself. It's a benefit and I'd be happy for my son to consider such a match.
No matter what I'm sure you will tell her you think she is beautiful whether or not she decides to dye.

amother

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 2:35 pm

I apologize... I thought I wrote that.

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 2:43 pm

Ema of 4 wrote:

I wasn’t only referring to the guy. I was referring to anyone who would say no because she has gray hairs. I had some gray hairs at 20, and I never dyed them. It never even occurred to me.

I had some grays in my 20s. I got lowlifes and highlights to cover them. It didn't occur to me to do it for shidduchim. I did it to look my personal best.

It would be a real shame if a girl couldn't get dates because of this. As the boy isn't setting up the dates, she will be relying on others.

Who cares if the shadchan is a complete idiot times two, the girl isn't living with her. If you need to please a complete idiot to get the date with the guy who could care less about date, then do it.

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 3:00 pm

A couple of thoughts. I started getting silver hairs as a young teen. By my early 20s, it was noticeable. I started coloring it. In retrospect, I wish I had not. The dyes are full of chemicals (even more “natural” ones) and if you have sensitive skin (I do) it can almost burn your scalp—personal experience. Eventually, it got so bad that I just had to stop in my early 30s. Beyond that, the time commitment was ridiculous—a few hours every 3-4 weeks (depends on how fast your hair is and how dark it is). Plus the cost—good hair coloring is not cheap. I know many women deal with this just fine, but for some of us it’s a lot.

I understand being concerned about appearances. But a few gray hairs does not dramatically alter someone’s appearance. Most people (especially men imo) will not even notice.

If she does choose to dye, I would recommend that she try a semi or demi-permanent, rather than permanent. If she does not like it or doesn’t feel like it’s her, the growing out process will be less noticeable. When you stop dyeing with permanent, it can take up to two years to grow it all out and it looks super weird while you do. Trust me.

Silver hair is very “in”’ these days, as others have said. But it may not be in your circles. However, if your DD is confident with it, I say let it be. Her bashert is going to be drawn to her for who she is.

The only downside imo of having your hair be natural and not dyeing it is is it’s pretty much impossible to get a sheitel to match. But on the other hand, you get to change your appearance, which can be fun. Smile

Hatzlacha to you and your DD.

WastingTime

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 3:08 pm

I think your answer lies in your question. You don't just dye grey hairs of your 20 yr old daughter the same way you would cut her hair when she was 2.
She is too old for you to make her cosmetic decisions, let alone do them for her.

chicco

Mon, Jun 17 2019, 3:11 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Though it is not particularly my inclination to, I understand the concept of toeing the line. I also understand conforming in some cases when your resistance to can cause you to lose out, however unjustly.

In this particular case, it is not as if your daughter is dying her hair purple and saying this is who I am, take it or leave it. Her hair is naturally changing, and she is embracing it instead of hiding it. Not just that, but because this reality is specifically affecting her shidduch prospects- that is precisely the reason why she should not care. Would you really advocate your dd looking for a guy who this would be a deal breaker for?

If she was doing something like dying her hair purple, I would explain to her that while it is wonderful that she is so confident, her behavior is so bold that it really is requiring even the most open minded of boys to potentially dismiss her because she is making an in your face statement. Even if she has a good reason, people generally don't want to find out more, and they won't give her that chance. Here, she is not making a statement other than, I have premature greys, and that is ok.

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