How to find your zivug when shadchonim are dishonest

amother

Sun, Jun 23 2019, 4:18 am

In our circles somebody looking to get married uses a shadchan. The problem is Shadchonim can be dishonest, leave out vital information or tell blatant lies. We have personal experience of this in the family. This leads to people wanting to find their shiduch without using a shadchan.
How can someone who wants to get married get honest up to date information about a perspective shiduch?

Rappel

Sun, Jun 23 2019, 4:21 am

You can't.

That's why it's important for a couple to use their intelligence, their gut, and to date for a while before deciding that this is their life partner.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jun 23 2019, 4:30 am

Rappel wrote:

You can't.

That's why it's important for a couple to use their intelligence, their gut, and to date for a while before deciding that this is their life partner.

And date more than twice. Almost anyone can keep their act together for a couple of hours. You want to get to know someone long enough to see their true colors. How do they react to rude waiters, frustrating traffic, a broken wine glass? What are his friends like? What are his hobbies?

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jun 23 2019, 4:50 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes get to know each other well but do you do it with a shadchan or do you find your own?

Why not try both? You never know where you will find the right person.

yerushamama

Sun, Jun 23 2019, 5:06 am

ALWAYS check carefully any information the shadchan gives you. Don't use only the references they give you - use that as a jumping off point, and find mutual friends who can give you information (friends of your grandmother's neighbor's cousin...)

amother

Seashell

Sun, Jun 23 2019, 5:54 am

OP, you need to learn to read between the lines. You need to verify the information you get from the shadchan. When I was in shidduchim I asked for a list of people who knew the prospect and I asked all of them for how long they had known him. If I information which didn't seem to match, that was a red flag.

amother

Sun, Jun 23 2019, 6:35 am

I am wondering if I take it on myself to put together information about young men and women in the community from neighbours of the family, from sisters/brothers, members of the shul and other means and then compile a large database with all this information and then people can ring me to find out true information. This database would obviously be totally confidential.

There is already a database with information available but that is probably provided by shadchonim so I am not sure if that information can be relied on.

This process would be a lot of work. Do you think this would be a service to the community?

imasinger

Sun, Jun 23 2019, 6:48 am

I think you should ask a shaila. The potential for L"H, or even just mistakes (since nobody's perfect, and even if your project is more accurate than shadchanim, whatever inaccuracies creep in will now be on your head) is real.

amother

Plum

Sun, Jun 23 2019, 6:58 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Would you be including only objective information (which schools, shuls, camps)? Would you be including only positive information (won a middos award everywhere she went)?
What if you learned negative information from a roommate? Would you include it in the profile? Would you verify it first through another source in case the roommate is biased?

imasoftov

Sun, Jun 23 2019, 7:24 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How would you verify that all of the reports you received from neighbors, siblings, members of the shul and "other means" was true? And if something false did slip in, would there be any way for the subject of the falsehood to learn about it and correct it? On the other hand, you can't just accept their telling you the info is wrong, what would keep people about which there is true information that they don't want known from having you to remove it?

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Jun 23 2019, 7:36 am

Sorry. Theres a lot you’ll never know. Even with dating a while and using “sechel”. My family has lots of hidden secrets unfortunately- you couldve asked like the fbi, used all your binah yesairah...

DrMom

Sun, Jun 23 2019, 7:45 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It seems to me that once a shaddhan has proven herself to be dishonest on a regular basis, you should not use her services.

PinkFridge

Sun, Jun 23 2019, 7:55 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This doesn't sound right for reasons already said. But why is it necessary? Don't you do your own research, from and beyond the resume?

Culturedpearls

Sun, Jun 23 2019, 8:02 am

Shadchanim are simply shluchim. They give you a name , resume & say only positive things.
They do not & should not ever research any shidduch.
This is why you must call people. Call a couple of references & ask them for more names of who knows the young person in question.
Read between the lines, listen carefully to what’s not being said. Ask specific questions not “so tell me about Shprintzel”.
Yes it’s exhausting & intrusive. It’s time consuming & often leads to a no go.
But as a parent that’s my job no less than any other part of child raising.
It’s also my job to coach the kids, to listen to what was said & discussed & pick up on any red flags. Sometimes calling back a reference to double check during dating.
Obviously if you do the bshow way then research should be more invasive.

amother

Sun, Jun 23 2019, 8:04 am

Thank you for your eitzos. It seems like my idea of creating my own database will not work.

A young man got engaged last week via a shadchan. This particular shadchan I believe is totally honest but she puts a with b without thinking if a and b are actually compatible.

The whole parsha of finding the right Mr for the right Miss does seem to be "koshe kekrias Yam Suf. One of those things I guess.