8 yr old can’t handle disappointment

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amother

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 3:41 pm

He’s not explosive Bh. But he wails, or follows me around really closely making grunting sounds. If anyone gets within harms or legs distance he’s likely to lightly hit or kick them. If I deny a request he will continue to rephrase or bargain untill I demand he go away. At which point he will revert to really loud wailing or grunting...
I’m not sure how to help him deal with disappointment or rejection appropriatey

chipmunks

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 4:04 pm

What kind of disappointment are we talking about? Every little thing, like he wants a certain snack and you say no? Or is it something bigger and more specific, like he wants a friend to come over and that's rarely allowed? Not saying he shouldn't learn to deal with either one, but the solutions might vary.

amother

Violet

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 4:36 pm

I usually try to be sympathetic without a "but" attached. For example, "I'm sorry, I know you really wish you could have a candy now." NOT "I'm sorry, I know you really wish you could have a candy now but the answer is no/ but you need to be a big boy and stop whining about it/ but you know we only have candy on shabbos."

If he follows me around afterwards or is very loud about the disappointment I say "it's ok to be upset about it, but you can't bother people because you're upset. If you want to make angry noises you can do it in another room."

amother

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 7:17 pm

chipmunks wrote:

Earlier today he begged n bargained before devolving into a full blown tantrum because I said he couldn’t invite a friend ( because he gets obnoxious and aggressive when he has one over)
This eve he grunted n kicked cuz he couldn’t figure out how to use his new toy airplane (required a certain dexterity he hasn’t mastered)

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 7:40 pm

This does not sound normal to me. An 8yo should be able to behave better.

He needs to be evaluated by a childhood neurology specialist, ped dev, therapist, and others.

amother

Violet

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 7:50 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

This does not sound normal to me. An 8yo should be able to behave better.

He needs to be evaluated by a childhood neurology specialist, ped dev, therapist, and others.

Nope, I definitely disagree. If he truly does this for every tiny thing, at home and at school, then I agree with doing an evaluation. Otherwise, many eight year olds are simply not proficient in emotional regulation. It's still very much developmentally appropriate to express disappointment over frustration at home in this way. He needs to be taught how to handle disappointment, and he needs time for the relevant parts of his brain to mature.

Pickle1

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 9:45 pm

I want to reccommend the book 'how to talk so kids can listen, how to listen so kids will talk by adele faber. I had a kid with this issue, this book helped me

chipmunks

Tue, Jun 25 2019, 9:19 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm not an expert and I don't know your son (afaik), but could it be that he's bored or lonely more than disappointed? Or maybe it's an ineffective way of asking for your help. If he has trouble figuring out how to, Idk, decide on a game together without him or his friend getting upset and he needs your guidance but doesn't know how to ask, he might start acting up to get your attention. And if he can't figure out his new toy but is embarrassed to ask for your help or doesn't know an appropriate way to do so, same idea.

If this is the case, I doubt he even realizes why he's doing it so asking probably won't help. Could you maybe treat it like a request? Example: he starts acting up over the plane, you come over and tell him maybe you two can figure it out together, etc.