Safe letter from camp

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 11:30 pm

The camp said an email letter instructing us what to tell dd about keeping safe about inappropriate touch etc. I know that Dd 14 won’t agree to talk to us about it. Should I just let her read the letter.

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 11:35 pm

What do you mean she won't agree? Is this the first time you've ever discussed anything like this? If so you're majorly overdue. If she won't have a discussion with you then sure, let her read the letter and then talk to her about it even if she doesn't answer.

I've been having safety talks with my kids since they're toddlers appropriate for their ages and the schools also bring in safety programs. My 11 year old is going to camp this summer and I showed her the letter from camp but also plan to have a discussion with her before she goes.

amother

Gray

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 11:35 pm

Sit her down and lecture her. It will be uncomfortable for both of you, but at least she'll remember it.

amother

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 11:41 pm

She had a safety program in school for few or couple years. It was very professional with magnets and other stuff.

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 11:44 pm

Let her read the letter and then have a follow up conversation about it.
Do not go into her room to have it, she will feel scrutinized. Have it in the car or during dinner.... it makes the conversation a little less intense.
Start by asking what she thought of the letter and how crazy it is that they need to send it out, both regarding that kids may not know and that these dangers exist. You can ask is she knows of anyone who has been in a bad situation. She may or may not tell you, but tell her it is not uncommon.
Additionally,
If you can have DH present that helps-he can not have read the letter and need you to fill him in (discussing it in front of her without pressuring her)
Good luck.

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 11:46 pm

amother [ Gray ] wrote:

Sit her down and lecture her. It will be uncomfortable for both of you, but at least she'll remember it.

If you lecture her she will not hear you.
(If she is anything like my DD15)

ra_mom

Mon, Jun 24 2019, 11:49 pm

OP I hear that you're uncomfortable but if the 2 of you are so uncomfortable that you can't discuss it how will she find the comfortability to come to you if G-d forbid she needs to?

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Jun 25 2019, 12:00 am

There was an announcement in last Shabbos edition of 5TJT that rabbonim said it was required to have that conversation with campers. Either her or you should take the chizzuk.

amother

Gray

Tue, Jun 25 2019, 12:02 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

If you lecture her she will not hear you.
(If she is anything like my DD15)

Not if there is a quiz after the lecture.

ra_mom

Tue, Jun 25 2019, 12:06 am

amother [ Gray ] wrote:

Not if there is a quiz after the lecture.

Oh gosh, please don't approach it this way.

imasoftov

Tue, Jun 25 2019, 7:18 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She had a safety program in school for few or couple years. It was very professional with magnets and other stuff.

How do magnets help with that?

allthingsblue

Tue, Jun 25 2019, 7:31 am

How is your overall relationship?
If you lecture her, she may seem uninterested, but the words surely will be heard, and if ch"v she needs to remember them, she will remember the important parts (I.e. Being able to say no, or telling her parents without fearing consequences etc.)

amother

Brown

Tue, Jun 25 2019, 7:59 am

Have the conversation, but make it about camp, not you. Tell DD that just like camp expects your medical form and your hair checked for nits before you can go to camp, they expect us to have this conversation with you before you go. It’s so important that they even sent a letter about it... you can read the letter as well....

momX4

Tue, Jun 25 2019, 8:26 am

We have been having these conversations for years. My boys are going to camp again and I gave them a refresher while we were in the car. I stressed the part that it's important to say something to someone. They can always call me if they don't feel comfortable talking to someone at camp.

33055

Tue, Jun 25 2019, 8:59 am

The important part is that she can always come to you. The conversation may help you improve communications. I also don't like these necessary conversations, but they allow awkward talk about other things that might not occur to you.

amother

Burlywood

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 2:42 am

Can someone post the letter? Our camp doesn't send one and I'd love to see it, to get ideas for how to talk to my kids about it.

amother

Gray

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 2:45 am

ra_mom wrote:

Oh gosh, please don't approach it this way.

I don't mean a literal page of paper. I mean you ask one or two questions to see if she was listening at all.

amother

Lime

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 3:20 am

ra_mom wrote:

OP I hear that you're uncomfortable but if the 2 of you are so uncomfortable that you can't discuss it how will she find the comfortability to come to you if G-d forbid she needs to?

Exactly what I thought when I read the op.
It doesn't have to be a long, formal conversation. It can take all of 45 seconds and can be said as you are going through with her what she still needs or when she plans to begin packing. I just say something like, "... and since you'll be leaving soon, I just want to remind you that it's never okay for anyone to ever touch you on any part of your body that is typically covered by your bathing suit. That includes a bunkmate, a counselor, or even the director of the camp. It includes a girl, boy, woman, man, regardless of whether it's a taxi driver or chashuve person. Your body is your private space..."
The fact that the camp sent the letter actually makes things easier, since you can add that you're so happy she's going to a camp that is on top of safety issues, that they sent this letter to the parents, and she can speak to the staff there or to you if anyone ever makes her uncomfortable.
But again, the important thing is to make this a conversation that the two of you CAN have and that you have periodically. If you do it in this way, keeping it short and casual, hopefully you can build the comfort level with time.

DVOM

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 7:15 am

My approach:

Like talking about s-ex, talking about safe touch shouldn't be a one-time conversation. It should be woven into your normal day to day conversations and interactions (If you don't have positive, relaxed, lighthearted, normal day to day conversations and interactions you have a different set of challenges altogether!). I talk in a calm, meandering, story-telling sort of way.

For example, with my naked, waltzing four year old, when changing into a bathing suit:"Look at you handsome guy! Come on, lets get that bathing suit on quick. Your tush and weenie are gorgous, but we need to get them into your suit! Those parts are private. Sometimes a mommy or abba helps you get dressed, and a doctor might ask your permission to look over there to make sure everything is growing healthy, but other than that we keep our undies on because those parts are specially yours. No one is allowed to look or touch without permission and a good reason. If anyone ever tells you to show them your private spots or touch your private spots you can tell mommy or abba right away. We'd be really proud of you for letting us know."

With my almost 11 year old son, describing a scene in a book he read in which a boy character had a crush on a girl character: "That must have been so interesting for you to read. It's normal when boys get bigger that they stop seeing girls as annoying or babyish and start noticing that they're pretty. It's a very special time in a boys life. It's part of G-d helping you grow into being a man, who can find one special and wonderful girl to marry one day. Your a long way away from that, but it's normal to start feeling curious about girls. When your little, you don't really notice that girls are too different than you, but as you grow up, you start to notice more. Do you have any questions about it? You know, Abba told me once that he was curious about girls too when he was your age, most boys are. Do you want to talk to him about it?"

amother

Saddlebrown

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 9:26 am

I think most important is after the talk is to let her know you always will love her. Nothing she could ever tell you would stop that.

I like how Debbie fox says to think about it as peanut butter sandwich. Discuss it the same way you would discuss having a peanut butter sandwich. It should be comfortable and relaxed discussion.

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