Does having fewer kids make parenting more enjoyable?

amother

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:00 am

There are so many threads here about how overwhelming and challenging being a parent is. I'm not saying there are no challenges, but I have two children, and I love being a mom. From the day my first was born, I was so completely overwhelmed with love, I couldn't believe this is what motherhood felt like. I'd pass a stranger in Target and think, wow do you feel like this too? I was amazed. I loved every minute of their childhood. As they get older there are absolutely challenges, but I enjoy it overall so much. I am dying to have more. Do you think that I enjoy it more because I only have two, so it is less overwhelming? Is it just a personality? Are my children less difficult than others? Would love to hear your thoughts.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:04 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Is it just a personality? Are my children less difficult than others?

I’d say both.

It’s definitely a personality thing and I’d also guess they’re easier than others. Because even with a great personality and attitude, some children are so difficult that you get drained not just physically, but emotionally, mentally and psychologically as well.

amother

Brunette

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:05 am

op- thanks so much for this post- its most beautiful one ive read in a while.

first time expecting mom- and cant possibly be more excited. I find the negative attitude on ima regarding parenting so discouraging- and im really glad to read you post and discover its possible to love parenting as much as I anticipate.

I dont know if im eligible to answer your question if im not yet a mom

ill take a stab anyway- I think you are an appreciative person and that is why you love parenting- it has more to do with that than how many kids you have. every situation comes with its challenges and joys. some have fewer kids that are more difficult. some have more kids and more help.

amother

Puce

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:07 am

ectomorph wrote:

Some are easier than others. I have a friend with 13, and while she has challenges, they are exceptionally talented, friendly and easygoing.

And I know someone with 1 who is always saying how hard parenting is.

And I'm sure what you describe is the norm.....

amother

Brown

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:09 am

Of course it's a combination. A combination of your personality, your kids' natures, and yes, the number of children. Each child is another human being with physical, emotional and spiritual needs. The more you have to stretch or divide your time and energy to meet those needs, the more likely you are to feel overwhelmed.

yksraya

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:12 am

It's definitely easier 2 than for example 6 or more. Yet it really depends on the natures of the kids and the nature/capabilities of the mom. Life circumstances also come into play.

There can be a family of 10+ kids and the mom has the time in the world for each and every kid. The kids are well taken care of, well fed etc. And there can be just 1-2 kids but the mom has personality issues, or depression or simply dysfunction etc, and the kids grow up unsettled.

Also, we all have tzar giddul banim, no matter how great the kids are. Sometimes it's a childs personality. sometimes it's a health issue. Sometimes it's a SN child etc. Everyone has their share of challenges.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:17 am

I actually have the opposite question.

I’m wondering if having more children will make parenting more enjoyable.

I have a set of twins that are really difficult. Been difficult in utero still, then as tiny preemies, then as colicky babies, then as classic ADHD toddlers and schoolchildren.

I’m always wondering if having another “normal” baby would help. Normal as in a normal pregnancy. Normal as in full term. Normal as in regular child. Of course I can’t know. The next baby may prove to be just as difficult, or more.

But I’m wondering if having had a normal, full term pregnancy and getting to hold a newborn in my arms (which I didn’t have) would help bring out more of those tender motherly feelings. Going from a crazy pregnancy to rushing back n forth to the nicu for a while to be with my babies that didn’t even look human,.. then being overwhelmed with caring for two preemies on my own... makes me wonder if perhaps it’s more difficult now, not just because they’re difficult children as is, but because I was never eased into motherhood.

But then I wonder, if I’m so overwhelmed just with these two, do I even have the strength for another one?

I don’t know.

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:19 am

Ben shapiro recently quoted a study on his podcast that showed that people with 3 or more kids were significantly happier in life than people with 1 or 2 kids. So there is that....

Personally, I'm an introvert who never wanted a big family (when I was single and young I used to secretly think of secondary infertility as a blessing). Fast forward, I have six kids and often feel a moment of guilt and anxiety at how unbelievably wonderful it is. Yes, it has moments of emotional/physical exhaustion and stress. But all in all, I cant believe how good I have it, Bh!

amother

Brown

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:21 am

amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:

It's very possible that happier people choose to have more kids than those who aren't as happy.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:21 am

yksraya wrote:

Also, we all have tzar giddul banim, no matter how great the kids are. Sometimes it's a childs personality. sometimes it's a health issue. Sometimes it's a SN child etc. Everyone has their share of challenges.

Was also wondering about this.

If we need to go through a certain amount of tzaar giddul banim, does that get distributed between the children? Say, if you’re meant to have level 10 tzaar, would having one child make him level 10 difficult and having 10 children make them level 1 difficult (or distributed somehow between the 10)? Meaning, having more wouldn’t necessarily add more tzaar. (Of course, I’m talking about relatively healthy parents)

I know no one can answer these questions. Was just wondering.

amother

Coral

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:23 am

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

I had this. Very difficult baby and became pregnant unexpectedly. He is a delight and I'm so happy I got to experience normalcy.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:24 am

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

It's very possible that happier people choose to have more kids than those who aren't as happy.

Also possible that certain lifestyles and values are what makes people want to have more - let’s say religion or family-oriented mindsets. So it’s not necessarily the amount of children that make them happier but the lifestyle that led them there that is making them happier.

amother

Copper

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:34 am

I wish you’d know how lucky you are.
Some people love motherhood, for some it’s harder.

I’m extremely grateful for my family, yet I find it excruciatingly hard very often. Even with my easy kids.

By nature, I have little patience, I’m lazy and need lots of down time. That doesn’t work much when you have kids!

Just appreciate your nature and thanks Hashem every day for it.

amother

Amethyst

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:37 am

I love children and always have. I only have one so far and found the adjustment to motherhood really hard. I love my child more than anything and want only the best for them. Still, I am always tired and have barely any time for myself. I don’t know how people handle big families. I think they’re amazing. I long for another one already but am terrified how I’ll handle being more tired and having even less time for myself.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:41 am

All the above.

Everyone is different. How many siblings did you have growing up? Did you love it or hate it? How many did you plan on having? Once they got here, did you change your mind about having more? How are finances? How is your shalom bayis? How is your mental and physical health? Are any of your kids special needs? Is your DH impaired in any way?

I could go on and on.

There is NO right answer to the question. We daven for wisdom, and we all hope we are giving our best to the size of family Hashem has given us.

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:46 am

It’s not the amount of kids you have that determine your parenting mood. It’s the amount of external support. Whether it’s from grandparents or other. When I have help I feel so blessed when I am alone for long period of time to shuffle everything by myself I don’t hate being a parent ever but I do feel unhappy because I am in so much physical exhaustion. Kids are always kids. It’s our perception of them that makes or breaks.

sleepybeauty

Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:46 am

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

Here’s the thing, parenting is hard. Really hard. It’s the hardest thing I have ever experienced. It is also the most incredible thing I have ever experienced.

Community is essential in parenting. It helps to be able to talk about the struggles you are going though with other people who understand. Some people may have unicorn children who are perfectly behaved. Most don’t. Parents who are feeling frustrated still love their children deeply.