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Forum -> Parenting our children
Does having fewer kids make parenting more enjoyable?
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 10:53 am
amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:
It’s not the amount of kids you have that determine your parenting mood. It’s the amount of external support. Whether it’s from grandparents or other. When I have help I feel so blessed when I am alone for long period of time to shuffle everything by myself I don’t hate being a parent ever but I do feel unhappy because I am in so much physical exhaustion. Kids are always kids. It’s our perception of them that makes or breaks.


Agree. Support can make things so much better. Doing it alone is really really difficult. Especially when you live in a community where most people have lots of family around.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 11:05 am
amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:
Ben shapiro recently quoted a study on his podcast that showed that people with 3 or more kids were significantly happier in life than people with 1 or 2 kids. So there is that....


Yes but it could also be that happier people tend to have more kids, simply because they are in a good place and can handle it.

People with money issues, marriage issues, health issues, may tend to have smaller families.

So are they happier because they have more kids? Or do they have more kids because they're happy?
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observer




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 11:09 am
As others said, most probably a combination of factors....the most significant one being your nature.
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 11:19 am
What it really comes down to is stress. More stress makes for less happy. Do more kids make for more stress? Not necessarily. More kids are more work, but that doesn't necessarily translate to more stress if things are going smoothly or you have a higher tolerance for stress. It's a delicate balance. I want more children than I can realistically handle. I'm simply not going to be able to have as many as I want because I'm not cut out for it. It's not that I'm happier with fewer, because I really want more, it's that I really can't be functional if I'm too stressed out.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 11:20 am
I see myself having less and less patience and snapping more and more with every kid more. When I had just one I was a dream parent. Two I was a dream parent who was sometimes human. From there it just went downhill, so I finally decided now I am done even if culturally I am expected to keep going until menopause.

Also I do have more difficult children. I was speaking to someone with two, and she couldn’t understand why my kid kept coming out of bed after I firmly said no, or why my kids would take their markers and throw them across the room or unpack kitchen utensils into plastic bags and drag them around the house.

Money is also a big one. If you have kids who make huge messes, can’t afford cleaning help and are forced to work to make ends meet (and they still don’t always meet) it is very stressful.
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yerushamama




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 11:23 am
I think that having kids has made me count my blessings CONSTANTLY! One of my kids in particular is a real handful, and another is going through a hard time right now. Still, I see so many really difficult situations, not to mention women who go through so much in order to have kids, that I simply thank Hashem for all of it.

One who has less kids can often find more "me" time, which helps, but with more kids, you see more and more "cute-isms" and other sources of joy. At the same time, it can make the mother feel more overwhelmed, especially dealing with endless needs and expenses.

It is very difficult at times to find what to be happy about with my kids, but I see so clearly how much better they are when I at least act happy, that I really try.
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amother
Green


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 11:46 am
amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:
Ben shapiro recently quoted a study on his podcast that showed that people with 3 or more kids were significantly happier in life than people with 1 or 2 kids. So there is that....


I'd probably be happier if I didn't suffer from SIF and people stopped saying stupid things.
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 11:51 am
Thank Hashem that you have wonderful children.

I have 3 children. They are all adorable, delicious, and sweet. I love them to pieces and I am so grateful to have them after struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss. I thank Hashem every single day for giving me my wonderful children.

That being said, they are incredibly challenging children from day 1, with multiple health issues, neuropscyh issues, and to top it off, food allergies. Addressing all their issues costs me a lot of money which we don't have too much of in the first place. Raising them drains me physically, emotionally, and mentally, psychologically.

To be totally honest, no, I'm really not enjoying parenting them. I'm so happy to be a mother and so grateful to have the privilege of raising them but I do not enjoy it at all.
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Hashem_Yaazor




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 12:22 pm
(The thing posted about being happier with more kids actually has a whole book written around it. I agreed with a lot of things in the book, not everything. I don't remember it well enough to detail it now. But certain things are not multiplied in hardness by adding more children. Some things yes, many things no...making kid friendly meals, finding a babysitter, choosing a school, doing school dropoff, is not multiplied by 5x with 5 kids...some times it's 1x no matter how many kids, sometimes it's more, but usually not in the same rate as an extra factor for each child. Other things are definitely harder but on the whole, you've already lost your alone couple time and freedom which was a large premise of the book....so how hard is it already to have another playmate for your kid (a perk mentioned in it)? )
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Just One




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 1:49 pm
amother [ Crimson ] wrote:
I see myself having less and less patience and snapping more and more with every kid more. When I had just one I was a dream parent. Two I was a dream parent who was sometimes human. From there it just went downhill, so I finally decided now I am done even if culturally I am expected to keep going until menopause.

Also I do have more difficult children. I was speaking to someone with two, and she couldn’t understand why my kid kept coming out of bed after I firmly said no, or why my kids would take their markers and throw them across the room or unpack kitchen utensils into plastic bags and drag them around the house.

Money is also a big one. If you have kids who make huge messes, can’t afford cleaning help and are forced to work to make ends meet (and they still don’t always meet) it is very stressful.


I identify with almost every point you make. Parenting, while being the most important job in the world, and oftentimes (hopefully) the most fulfilling, can be incredibly draining.
One Point:
About you saying "I am done even if culturally I am expected to keep going until menopause"
I totally understand the feeling. But what might make things easier might be learning more about the greatness of every additional neshama. I think it's sad that any Jewish mother should feel forced into having more children because of 'cultural' concerns. There are real reasons Yiddishkeit values having large families and this perspective is priceless when we are in the trenches.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 2:35 pm
I have 2 kids and they are both very challenging, each in his/her own way. Love them of course but it's been a bumpy ride.
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 2:45 pm
I agree with all the factors mentioned above which all make a difference. I also think that how far apart your kids are spaced is another factor too which can make a big difference. 4 kids in 4 years is very different from 4 kids in 10 years.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 2:53 pm
amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:
Ben shapiro recently quoted a study on his podcast that showed that people with 3 or more kids were significantly happier in life than people with 1 or 2 kids. So there is that....

Personally, I'm an introvert who never wanted a big family (when I was single and young I used to secretly think of secondary infertility as a blessing). Fast forward, I have six kids and often feel a moment of guilt and anxiety at how unbelievably wonderful it is. Yes, it has moments of emotional/physical exhaustion and stress. But all in all, I cant believe how good I have it, Bh!


And I just read a study that parents of three children are the most stressed of all parents. So all these types of studies that say people are x have to be taken with a grain of salt.
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Kiwi13




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 3:22 pm
I’m happier parenting 3 than I was parenting 1. A lot depends on personality (of the kids and the parents). I think I would be overwhelmed if I had a very large family, but there’s no way of guessing if/when I’d adjust and be fine with it.

I think it’s natural that most people will struggle to calmly parent many, many kids. There wouldn't be enough time in the day for me to give the kind of attention and time I give to each of my kids if I had more. It’s a fact of life that resources are spread thinner the more kids you have.
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 3:36 pm
amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:
Was also wondering about this.

If we need to go through a certain amount of tzaar giddul banim, does that get distributed between the children? Say, if you’re meant to have level 10 tzaar, would having one child make him level 10 difficult and having 10 children make them level 1 difficult (or distributed somehow between the 10)? Meaning, having more wouldn’t necessarily add more tzaar. (Of course, I’m talking about relatively healthy parents)

I know no one can answer these questions. Was just wondering.


Obvoisly we don't know how Hashem runs the world, but a gadol (I forgot who) once said that if people think that they will save themselves tzaar by having less children, Hashem decides how much tzaar each person will have and all they need is one child to give them the amount of tzaar as 10 children.

Of course he didn't mean when someone can't manage with another child for whatever reason; he was talking about people who don't want to be so busy with kids, want to be able to vacation all the time etc. etc.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 3:37 pm
I have a small family with challenging kids, and I am extremely happy. My small family is by choice because I love them so much, I want them to have the best start in life I can give them. Dividing what I have and can do for them is not for me.

I wonder if all the jealously and entitlement expressed on this site is because the ladies are doing too much with too few resources. I rather my kids are brought up without that stress.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 3:42 pm
Being calm and happy makes parenting more enjoyable.

How calm and happy a parent can be with many kids depends on them, and on the kids, and on a few dozen other factors (money, family support, community support, housing, quality of schools... ).
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amother
Plum


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 3:54 pm
I have 6 kids, and there is a bit of a gap between the first 4 (all very close together and now in seminary/yeshiva) and the last 2. (each 5 years apart and still in elementary school.)

Having a few kids close together was exhausting and I definitely found it overwhelming. But to be honest, its also pretty hard entertaining my 5 year old who has no one close in age. But I do feel I enjoy the younger two far more then I did the older ones, but that may be because I know I (probably) won't have any more.

Just putting my youngest to bed - my older kids went to sleep together, so I put them in bed, read a story, said shema, and said good night. And went downstairs. My youngest is alone in his room so needs company every night.
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 4:10 pm
amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:
Was also wondering about this.

If we need to go through a certain amount of tzaar giddul banim, does that get distributed between the children? Say, if you’re meant to have level 10 tzaar, would having one child make him level 10 difficult and having 10 children make them level 1 difficult (or distributed somehow between the 10)? Meaning, having more wouldn’t necessarily add more tzaar. (Of course, I’m talking about relatively healthy parents)

I know no one can answer these questions. Was just wondering.


I actually heard an opinion that says exactly the above. Unfortunately I don't remember the source. The idea was that the amount of tzar you're supposed to have will be divided amongst your children (though not evenly) so if you were supposed to have 10 measures of tzar, it's coming regardless of how many children you have and will be divided accordingly
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amother
Silver


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 4:50 pm
amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:
Was also wondering about this.

If we need to go through a certain amount of tzaar giddul banim, does that get distributed between the children? Say, if you’re meant to have level 10 tzaar, would having one child make him level 10 difficult and having 10 children make them level 1 difficult (or distributed somehow between the 10)? Meaning, having more wouldn’t necessarily add more tzaar. (Of course, I’m talking about relatively healthy parents)

I know no one can answer these questions. Was just wondering.


My husband tells me this all the time. It's what he believes in.
He also leaves the decision of having more kids entirely up to me as he knows ultimately each child is more of a strain on me then on him.
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