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Does having fewer kids make parenting more enjoyable?
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Hashem_Yaazor




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 6:53 pm
(I found the book I was talking about: https://www.amazon.com/Selfish.....28616 if anyone is interested in reading it themselves.)
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 7:26 pm
I also think the ages of the children makes a difference. OP didnt mention how old her kids are, but some people cruise through the baby stages and find the elementary age exhausting and some people love when the kids are older but have a challenging time enjoying the baby stages. Also, just a personality type.
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amother
Brown


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 7:37 pm
Hashem_Yaazor wrote:
(The thing posted about being happier with more kids actually has a whole book written around it. I agreed with a lot of things in the book, not everything. I don't remember it well enough to detail it now. But certain things are not multiplied in hardness by adding more children. Some things yes, many things no...making kid friendly meals, finding a babysitter, choosing a school, doing school dropoff, is not multiplied by 5x with 5 kids...some times it's 1x no matter how many kids, sometimes it's more, but usually not in the same rate as an extra factor for each child. Other things are definitely harder but on the whole, you've already lost your alone couple time and freedom which was a large premise of the book....so how hard is it already to have another playmate for your kid (a perk mentioned in it)? )


Yes, to some extent, depending on ages and genders of kids. However, many people find a particular stage to be especially exhausting and challenging, such as newborns or toddlers. And that has to be repeated from scratch for every child.
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Hashem_Yaazor




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 8:42 pm
The book didn't really discuss having, say, 10 kids Wink
More like having 3 or 4 vs 1 or 2 so not too many extra newborn/toddler stages Very Happy
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amother
Brown


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 8:44 pm
Hashem_Yaazor wrote:
The book didn't really discuss having, say, 10 kids Wink
More like having 3 or 4 vs 1 or 2 so not too many extra newborn/toddler stages Very Happy


Lol. Got it. Is it worth reading if I already have 4, or will I just want to throw it at the wall? It looks interesting and I wouldn't mind an attitude shift. Thoughts?
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L25




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 8:48 pm
ha! so then I would qualify as having more kids-that's funny!
seriously though I think a lot of it is a personality thing both of parent and of child.
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amother
Ruby


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 9:26 pm
I have 6 close in age and while the drudgery is hard (carpools, supper, cleaning laundry). But daily life is just so much fun. There is always a crowd and always entertainment. Every trip is an adventure. Not that every day is perfect and we don’t have bumps.
When they were young it was very hard but now that they are just starting to enter their teen years every day is an adventure
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Hashem_Yaazor




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 9:33 pm
amother [ Brown ] wrote:
Lol. Got it. Is it worth reading if I already have 4, or will I just want to throw it at the wall? It looks interesting and I wouldn't mind an attitude shift. Thoughts?

Been a long while since I read it. My husband brought it home from the library and I grabbed a few minutes to read it. Lots of things I didn't agree with, some I did, but I found it interesting nonetheless Smile
I already had my 8 kids when I read it.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2019, 9:45 pm
I feel depressed for people with so many kids and are always pg, life seems so drab. and theres no money or time for fun. I do think people with less kids who are more spaced out have more money and less pressure in day to day life. however long term it is very possible the pay off is better for large families with more nachas, more family support for each other, more kids to have over for yom tov etc.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Thu, Jun 27 2019, 12:35 am
I'm at 9 KA"H and definitely enjoying it! (youngest is under 1)

OK there's no money, but there wasn't money when we had half as many kids either. I think Rabbi Manis Friedman once said something like, when you have 1 kid he/she takes up 100% of your time. It can't get worse!

I guess I'm a pretty laid back person, but I definitely have time for fun. I read, surf, go on imamother, go shopping by myself, hang with friends when they're available... I'll probably go kayaking a few times this summer, and might squeeze in a road trip too.

Maybe some of you'd call my parenting style neglectful, but I'm working on being more on top of some of the biggest fails and honestly I was worse with my first. When you have a big family you have more opportunity to learn from your mistakes and actually practice the better way!

Not too much physical family support, but I do feel like I have a network that would have our back if needed ch"v.

The only downside of having a big family is outgrowing the minivan. (And I wish I was joking...)
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Thu, Jun 27 2019, 5:12 am
I loved parenting. I was organised and had time for each kid individually. I loved every minute of it.
Until my fifth ds came along and it was like none of that ever existed. His adhd changed the whole family. I would say I'm still a calm parent and would like to think I'm doing it effectively, but I'm in no way enjoying it the way I did before. I feel drained in every way.
I'm happy with the family I have and I love my ds to bits but parenting was completely different when I was dealing with 4 well behaved kids.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 27 2019, 5:38 am
I love that I literally CANNOT hover. With fewer kids it's more of a thing
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Thu, Jun 27 2019, 6:51 am
amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:
Ben shapiro recently quoted a study on his podcast that showed that people with 3 or more kids were significantly happier in life than people with 1 or 2 kids. So there is that....

Personally, I'm an introvert who never wanted a big family (when I was single and young I used to secretly think of secondary infertility as a blessing). Fast forward, I have six kids and often feel a moment of guilt and anxiety at how unbelievably wonderful it is. Yes, it has moments of emotional/physical exhaustion and stress. But all in all, I cant believe how good I have it, Bh!


I don't think one can say that people with more kids are happier BECAUSE of having more kids. Maybe people with less kids chose to have less kids because the relationship with their partner isn't going well, they're struggling financially etc. That's why theyre not as happy in the first place.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Thu, Jun 27 2019, 9:21 am
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:
I don't think one can say that people with more kids are happier BECAUSE of having more kids. Maybe people with less kids chose to have less kids because the relationship with their partner isn't going well, they're struggling financially etc. That's why theyre not as happy in the first place.

Or maybe they didn't choose it at all (if, medical, mental health, etc). And they are not happy about it. Happiness depends on some many factors: personality, stress level, sb, neediness of kids, etc.
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giselle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 27 2019, 10:08 am
Or they have two kids and they’re happy even though they want more.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 27 2019, 12:06 pm
I read the selfish parenting book and I don’t think he says people with more kids are happier. It’s really complicated to gage happiness with child rearing because in the midst of it people are generally not so happy but when they think about it they are.
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bunnyrabbit




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 27 2019, 12:33 pm
amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:
Was also wondering about this.

If we need to go through a certain amount of tzaar giddul banim, does that get distributed between the children? Say, if you’re meant to have level 10 tzaar, would having one child make him level 10 difficult and having 10 children make them level 1 difficult (or distributed somehow between the 10)? Meaning, having more wouldn’t necessarily add more tzaar. (Of course, I’m talking about relatively healthy parents)

I know no one can answer these questions. Was just wondering.


I love this post. I feel the same way about any tzaar, not just tzar gidul bonim. Meaning, if I am nigzar level 6, 14 or 55 of suffering, I believe it can be distributed over different areas of life. And can be "used up" by doing mitzvos that entail some degree of tzar (like letting strangers use my house for shabbos which I personally find stressful, or like niddah which I hate). If I remember correctly, Rebbetzin Machlis a"h encouraged having more children as part of this cheshbon (healthy parents/situation -- obviously) saying that people will not have more tzaar then was nigzar for them, and it can be tzaar gidul bonim or tzaar from disease or poverty or whatever suffering you choose to imagine. I think her point is that having children cannot actually increase the tzaar you are DESTINED to go through. You might actually have less other tzaros because of it. Just my understanding. I really recommend the terrific book about her - Emunah with Love and Chicken Soup - for anyone who has not read it.
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amother
Lime


 

Post Thu, Jun 27 2019, 12:36 pm
As many said, depends on the mother and on the kids- not on the amount.
My first was such a needy baby that I didn't like parenting at all! My oldest still takes the most amount of energy, the second is just "regular" and my youngest is so easy and a total joy so I'm finding having three to be more enjoyable than having 1.
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bunnyrabbit




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 27 2019, 12:39 pm
Just One wrote:

About you saying "I am done even if culturally I am expected to keep going until menopause"
I totally understand the feeling. But what might make things easier might be learning more about the greatness of every additional neshama. I think it's sad that any Jewish mother should feel forced into having more children because of 'cultural' concerns. There are real reasons Yiddishkeit values having large families and this perspective is priceless when we are in the trenches.


Can I "liked" this 50 times?
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