Were you spoiled as a child?

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 7:36 pm

My family situation was so messed up when I was a kid. My mom couldn’t take seeing the pain I went through. She was always offering me things to make me feel better. Ice cream when someone said something they shouldn’t have, new toy, new book, fun trip etc. I didn’t grow up feeling entitled but definitely resentful towards my mother for trying to “buy me out” with things instead of focusing on me. I have a definite block in my relationship with her and I can’t rely on her for emotional support.
I have an aversion towards things as emotional compensation (besides chocolate when I am pregnant;) I work hard to make sure that I’m giving my kids love when they are sad, not things. Even with my toddlers I try not to make them feel better by giving things or nosh. They still get plenty of things though, I wouldn’t say they are deprived.

Zehava

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 7:42 pm

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

This.
I've seen that those spoiled have an insatiable hole that they can't seem to fill and they keep trying to fill it with stuff but it just doesn't make them happy.

I think that this describes a certain personality rather than how much one received as a kid. Some people get very little and then want to make up for it.
I think with the Myers Briggs it’s the S ones that are more materialistic.
Things never mattered to me and I’m learning that it matters to others, therefor learning how to give gifts. I’m always surprised at how loved they feel by it.

Zehava

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 7:44 pm

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

I’m guilty of those with certain people, not my kids, when they are in so much pain and I feel helpless. I feel like at least they shouldn’t lack for anything, or at least it’ll make a bit of a difference. I guess it’s also easier than communicating with them.

amother

Cyan

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 7:46 pm

Zehava wrote:

Or maybe it's the neglect that leaves that unfulfilled hole. Like what's described in the book Running On Empty. Even if the parents were generally good parents if they neglected the emotional part (and sometimes try to fill it with material things) the child grows up feeling empty.

amother

Black

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 7:59 pm

Zehava wrote:

I got little and want to make up for it, but I also have a sensitive, self aware personality, and I'm not insensitive to those who don't have money. Also, when I can't, I don't. For example now we b"H have money for what we need but not for extras so I make do with my worn out sheitel, cheap clothing for myself and kids, inexpensive older bag, no vacation. I don't outright say "I hope Bubby gives us a nice gift for Chanukah," although I may be thinking it. I don't talk about poor people as though they're animals in a zoo, and say "wow I can't believe people live like that."
I know that not everything is as it seems, and not everyone who looks wealthy really is.
I know that my love for makeup and clothing is something that should be worked on and replaced with spirituality.
I try to focus on what I have, not what others have.
I am happy with eggs or pizza for dinner; I don't need chicken at the very least but preferably red meat and even more preferably steak.
I don't waste so much, I try to avoid waste.
I don't consider myself superior to those who may have less than me; I highly admire my cleaning woman.
I value even $100 extra dollars and believe That every penny counts.

Basically, even though I love to buy for others, for my kids and for myself, I do it within my means. Unlike my dh who really struggles with many attitudes due to his upbringing.

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 8:21 pm

I grew up in a very affluent community and was spoiled in some ways, but thankfully not in the most important ways. I was spoiled in that I was given lots of material things, and we had a full time maid, so I never had any chores. I do struggle with housekeeping now and rely on a full time maid, but I do have ADHD, so I don't know that my upbringing is entirely to blame. As for material things, I'm very much not a materialistic person. I am not all that interested in things. I'm unsure if this is a "rebellion" of sorts or just a personality thing. Probably both. But point is, it hasn't caused me to need to constantly buy things.

When I say I wasn't spoiled where it matters, I mean that my parents held me accountable. I was expected to do well in school, and encouraged to pursue a good career, so I have good work ethic. I was encouraged to try to solve my own problems before getting adults involved and I was given reasonable consequences for misbehavior, and I was not spared from disappointing experiences but rather was encouraged to learn from them. This sounds pretty simple, but in the extreme affluence with which I was surrounded, those things were not a given. I knew so many kids who were never held accountable for bad behavior, even to the point of getting into serious legal situations but daddy paid expensive lawyers to make it go away. Kids whose parents got involved in every drama with a teacher or friend from the very start, and of course it was always to sway the situation in their own favor. And I vividly remember an incident in junior high where the basketball team was announced, the kids who hadn't made the team were devastated, angry parents called the coach, and the next day, it was announced that everyone who had tried out was now on the team. Of those I'm still in touch with today, yes, they remain difficult, entitled people. And most of them still haven't experienced real accountability for anything.

So yeah, I was spoiled in some ways. But when it came to values, work ethic, understanding that actions have consequences--bh, my parents raised me right in that respect, and I do not struggle with those things, and am able to have healthy relationships and weather life's challenges well enough.

amother

Aqua

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 10:27 pm

I was both spoiled and abused/neglected as a child. My father gave me pretty much anything I wanted. It was hard to think of what I wanted for a birthday present, since I got whatever I asked for all year round. It definitely made it hard for me to delay gratification, budget, and generally set boundaries. I still struggle with these things as an adult.

At the same time, we were emotionally abused and neglected by my mother. She always says that she gives us so much and we're so ungrateful. Yeah, she gives us in some ways -- stuff ways, and even that comes with a ton of strings and manipulation. But we're all emotionally starving for love and validation. My primary love language is words of affirmation because I got almost none of them in childhood.

Kiwi13

Fri, Jun 28 2019, 8:12 am

Ruchel wrote:

Yes. The world will teach that you're not its center.

I was extremely spoiled and still my parents' world.

I would suffer immensely if my husband wasn't centered on me/us.

I am unable not to be centered on my children but I talk to them, tell them about the aforementioned, and teach them to be indepedent.

Nobody is “the world’s” center, but ideally everybody should be the center of somebody’s world. (ie their family... parents, spouse)

yo'ma

Fri, Jun 28 2019, 9:01 am

chanatron1000 wrote:

Yes, to a certain extent. Children shouldn't be given everything they ask for, and they should be given chores around the house, but other than that, it is very hard to spoil a child out of love.

I agree with this 100%. I felt I was spoiled as a child. I have many brothers and sisters, but I don't know how they feel. I was not given everything I asked for but then again, I hardly ever asked for anything. As I got older, I realized that I wasn't spoiled with things, but love and I had satisfaction just from that. I try to do the same for my children, but I don't know if I'm succeeding or not.

amother

Indigo

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 8:14 pm

I know somene very well whose behavior confused me until I met his mother. He is married with several children, and is still extremely self-centered. His opinions are the only right ones and he disparages anyone (especially his wife, but others also) who has a different opinion. If a child gets a garment in a color he doesn't like he has a tantrum. He's a picky eater and will tantrum if food that he dislikes is cooked (I.e. noodles for a child). His leisure is of utmost importance. He is an intelligent and moral person otherwise so these behaviors made no sense to me.

Then I spent one Shabbos in his home while his mom was visiting. His wife and I were chatting in the playroom watching our older children when he came in FUMING that his wife "can't even take care of the kid for 1 stinking afternoon", and deposited the 1 year-old on the couch before storming back out. Apparently he was napping upstairs and the toddler, also napping in her room upstairs, woke up crying and disturbed his sleep. I was so embarrased for the wife.

The man's mom, who I thought would be dying of shame, hissed "on the one day he can rest you leave him to watch little children?!"
The wife actually tried to defend herself, saying"I left her sleeping," and his mom answered "and you didn't know she'd wake up??!" (BTW the wife also works during the week, in addition to caring for the children.)

At shalosh seudos one child requested peanut butter. The wife made her a sandwich in the kitchen and told her to eat it 'quietly'. The man noticed and started yelling about the "@??@! on the table," and no, he was not allergic. His mom hissed at the child (her own grandchild) "You KNOW your father doesn't like peanut butter!" and at the wife "why do you serve what he doesn't like?! You know t upsets him!"

This man is an only child and apparently was raised to feel like he is the center of the world, and the world should acknowedge that. His needs and wants trump anyone else's. To me, that is the definition of spoiled.

His parents were never well-to-do and he was raised with the value of frugality so the spoiling had nothing to do with money or gifts, but he is still a 200lb spoiled brat, with his mother's encouragement.

The wife tries to act like it's fine and has made it clear that she's not interested in any comments, sympathy, or advice. I now try to time my visits to when he's not home to spare my children and myself the trauma that he inficts on his own family regularly. (Does that make me a coward?)