Family of 5 in one bedroom

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amother

Linen

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 9:50 am

I don't think it's the age of the parents that counts as much as the age of the kids. Young vs preteen vs full blown teenagers.

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 9:52 am

she keeps saying she's running out of time to have another child so wants to have one now.

heidi

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 10:39 am

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

As kids get older it's important for them to have living space. It can affect the mental health living like sardines and bumping into people wherever you go. It can affect your piece of mind and shalom bayis as well.

I don't know where you came up with this information.
Your knowledge is a bit iffy when you can't even spell "peace."

amother

Coral

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 10:43 am

Excuse me Heidi, your comment is totally uncalled for. A computer typo doesn't show anything about a person's knowledge.
It's a no brainer that living in cramped conditions can affect one mentally. Everyone needs space, no matter the age. It's just not a healthy living situation to always be bumping into people and not having personal space.

amother

Maroon

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 12:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Op here.
Thanks for getting the point of my post! Yes all I want is chizuk. It’s really not bad living in a one bedroom because we’re basically only paying utilities and maintenance. This is still an apartment owned by my parents. Numerous times I was looking for solutions but I just can’t see how we can pay for rent! And by the way, for those of you that are saying you see this more in Israel, I grew up in Israel and I was fortunate to have my own bedroom! I had a nice childhood. I’m living in the US and believe me I rather be living with less money in Israel than in the us. But my husband doesn’t want to move to Israel right now so gotta stay here for shalom bayit.

I know we could afford moving to a rented place if we’d put the kids in public but while I’m not living in Israel, I rather not do that, but financially it’s getting harder with tuition and every time I feel like I have to choose, Jewish education or bigger apartment? My husband is paying still student and car loans, bills and so far we can’t save much. So yes, I was thinking maybe 3 kids is what we can “afford “ but I’m getting older and I know one day I’ll regret not having one more child. We’ve waited 4 years already.... I know people will say to go back to school to get a higher pasting job, but I also can’t see myself paying for another school at this point

So in conclusion, we’re taking it one day at a time and for that poster that said she can’t see herself with her husband without a room when they’re intimate, all I can say is good for her! But there are people that can’t have everything as easy in life. I’m thankful that my kids are happy and healthy and that my husband isn’t an abusive horrible husband.

OP, it sounds like you aren’t even able to afford the rent for a 1 bedroom apt without your parents help. I think it’s pretty selfish to have another baby in this situation unless you have a long-term plan to move into a bigger place once the kids are older. Have you ever lived in a 1-bedroom apt with 4 teenagers? Maybe you’re also counting on your parents to bail you out and help you move into a bigger apt once you have this baby?

ectomorph

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 12:35 pm

Everyone in Israel does it, and everyone period did it a hundred years ago. She'll be fine.

Some might say it's unhealthy to have so much space. It reduces the bonds between siblings and makes it easier to be out of touch emotionally with your kids.

I shared plenty as a kid and I always loved it.

pesek zman

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 12:36 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

Why must you be so NASTY??? Shame on you!!

amother

Linen

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 12:39 pm

I don't think it's being nasty, just realistic. Ectomorph, how many siblings at a time did you share a room with? What were the ages? How large a living space in total was your home? Was there a large living space other than just 1 or 2 bedrooms? I don't see anybody who personally grew up under similar circumstances with a large family chiming in with you. There's a big difference between sharing a room with 2 or 3 siblings than with 5+, especially if there is no where else to "go" in the home.

amother

Brunette

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 12:41 pm

ectomorph wrote:

I'm in no way telling op what to do. But in response to your post, it's really irrelevant to say that people across the world or in another century do it without a problem. She's not raising kids in Israel or 100 years ago, she's raising them in a frum American community in 2019. A certain amount of fitting in with the local standard of living is very much necessary for the emotional health of her children. Honestly, if they're very young, it's likely not affecting their emotional health at this stage. As others have mentioned, a few years down the line their emotional needs will be very different.

ivfhelp

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 12:46 pm

pesek zman wrote:

Why must you be so NASTY??? Shame on you!!

Agree! People can advise and offer support without bashing. Remember there is a real person behind these posts who feels pain.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 12:49 pm

amother [ Linen ] wrote:

I have family members raising 8+ kids in a small apartments (2 bedrooms) in America. The oldest kids are young teenagers. They are fine.

amother

Linen

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 12:51 pm

But have you personally experienced it? I did, and I would never have complained about it. However it was a lot harder to experience it from inside than what it looked like viewing it from the outside.

ectomorph

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 12:51 pm

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

I have family members raising 8+ kids in a small apartments (2 bedrooms) in America. The oldest kids are young teenagers. They are fine.

I have friends doing the same. 8 kids in a small 2 bedroom.

Don't care to be specific about my life, but forget about sharing a room.

I used to share a BED. When we moved to a bigger place I was 6. We cried bitterly about separating. It was so cozy and when I had a nightmare there was someone right there.

amother

Linen

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 12:52 pm

Also a huge difference between being 6 and 16.

ectomorph

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 1:11 pm

amother [ Linen ] wrote:

Also a huge difference between being 6 and 16.

I suspect that most of the horrified people here are relatively affluent and live in comfortable, large homes.

It's time to accept that not everyone can afford that, and it's perfectly ok to give birth to children who will live on a lower level of gashmius.

It says in the Gemara that Torah comes out of the mouths of the children of the poor people.

amother

Maroon

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 1:12 pm

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

I have family members raising 8+ kids in a small apartments (2 bedrooms) in America. The oldest kids are young teenagers. They are fine.

With all due respect, how do you know that they’re “fine”? I grew up in a tiny apartment, and from the outside, I’m sure that we looked like a big happy family. I was taught to be content with what I have so of course I never complained. So no one (including my parents) knew how embarrassed I was about bringing friends over because the apartment always looked like a dump no matter how much we tried to clean or organize. No one knew how suffocating it felt to not have any personal space. No one knew that I always tried to use the restroom at school because it gave me more privacy than the bathroom at home.

amother

Linen

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 1:16 pm

Yes, maroon, exactly. And no, I don't fall into the category of affluent. I think the people shooting down any concerns simply haven't experienced this kind of living, especially as a full blown teenager.

ectomorph

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 1:17 pm

This site is all about reducing physicality as long as it's limited to bugaboos and not actually reducing expensive by living in a smaller apartment

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 1:18 pm

I grew up in a tiny house with many children and it was hard hard hard.

amother

Brunette

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 1:20 pm

ectomorph wrote:

No, I BH have all four of my kids sharing a bedroom. Money is very tight. But: my kids have a bedroom, and the parents have a bedroom. They can have friends over and our home looks like a normal home. And this is NOT a long term plan for us at all. Within the next year or two, if we can't afford to move, we will put up a real wall in the kids room to separate the genders. My kids have friends with tiny bedrooms, and sharing bedrooms, but all of their friends have bedrooms.

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