OTD after 30 | Imamother

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 4:59 pm

Do you know anyone who went off the derech in their 30's or later? Did they keep an outward appearance of religion or stop completely? How did it effect their marriage? Their kids? Their family? Their friendships? What other affects did it have on them and others?

Asking for really personal reasons. Please answer only if you can do so without judgements.

amother

Seagreen

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 5:05 pm

My mother

I'm not certain when she went OTD, but I believe it was somewhere in the last few years. She's in her late 40s.

She has kept up appearances within the community. I'm not sure how my father could trust that she kept TH properly in order to stay married to her. She definitely texts on Shabbos. I try not to find out what else she does. She considers herself an atheist.

amother

Lavender

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 5:11 pm

My dh knows of at least 5 men who still regularly attend shabbos minyan at black hat shuls, who are privately not frum anymore. Some keep up the frum appearance ro rheir wife because the truth would devastate her, and others have their wives somewhat on board with their otd lifestyle. They are all otd for intellectual reasons.

BatyaEsther

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 5:23 pm

Of course people become OTD at all stages of life.
I would imagine at that age it is less likely rebellion driven and more of some reasons might typically include: that something caused them to be jaded, and they feel their frum life isn't working for them. They may either feel like Hashem messed them over, life is too hard, a middle-life crisis, they went through a trauma or crisis, or some equivalent to Rasha l'tiv lo, so why should I bother. Additionally, they may just not have a strong emunah, and be tired or going through the motions when they just never really believed.

I imagine it also varies tremendously with how they present to the outside world and their continued relationships with family.

Every person is an individual and it would be unfair to both you or your loved one, jump to conclusions or make assumptions based on another's experience.

Wishing you hatzlacha.

Last edited by BatyaEsther on Sun, Jun 30 2019, 5:50 pm; edited 1 time in total

smileforamile

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 5:46 pm

BatyaEsther wrote:

I'm assuming this post was reported because of the recommendation to check out [a specific organization]?

Zehava

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 5:57 pm

I know couples who did it together. Women who got divorced, and men who stayed married, also some who got divorced, but no woman who did it openly and stayed married. Life is unfair like that. Women are more likely to accept their husbands changes and stick it out.
The kids I’d say it really depends on the kid. As for family and friends, ditto. It can go either way. I know many whose families cut off with them. I think they tend to be more forgiving of teens than of mature adults.

amother

Lavender

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 6:35 pm

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

teens to 25 teens and confused/unhappy souls . 25-35 sign of mental illness. older than than that is love or lost love. jmho

How utterly foolish of you. Maybe some people are disillusioned by the fact that so much of our religion simply doesn't make sense. Of course the answer to that is that hashem in his infinite wisdom knows better, and we just don't understand his perfect ways. For some that answer doesn't cut it. There is very little actual proof that much of what we believe in is true. That's why apikores questions in school are not tolerated. It's best to stay away since the questions are often better than the answers. Same with this site. Apikores threads get locked. To risky to have unanswerable questions out there.

Mommyg8

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 6:52 pm

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

I'm guessing you're OTD as well.

Questions are not tolerated in school (some kind of questions) because most girls don't really think at all (about anything) so why open a Pandora's box when there's no need to?

I agree that there should be easier access to questions and answers for those who have questions. And there should be more tolerance for dialogue rather than "just follow what I say".

There are many deep thinkers in Judaism who have asked all the questions and have come up with answers, but they are not necessarily easily accessible.

amother

Lavender

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 7:07 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

I have my questions but I follow all halachos. Our community is wonderful and there's no upside in rocking the boat. I'm lucky that my teenage kids don't seem to have any doubts, and hopefully this continues.

I find it interesting that you mention that there are "deep thinkers" in Judaism who have answers. Firstly, I really don't think anyone has good answers to some of the basic questions. Secondly, according to your own words unless someone is a "deep thinker" they probably don't have any of the answers. I think most just don't ask any questions, or answer any questions with "we don't understand hashems ways". This is not a very satisfying answer. That being said, dare I say that many very frum people are so brainwashed, that some attribute having doubts with mental illness. Hashem yerachem.