Making an affordable wedding

amother

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 10:40 am

Who should pay the difference if a child wants a big lavish wedding?
If the parents want to make an affordable small decent event and the kallah wants more what do you do?
Do you suck it up and pay the extras so she should be happy or do you say I’m willing to pay this much. Anything more you have to pay yourself?
To what extent should parents strech themselves to make the kids happy?

mig100

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 10:44 am

as if there is a one size fits all solution....

depends on many factors.. including finances, the child and what she wants etc.

there are many ways to do it... I just hope no one is basing their decision based on what the imas say..

Last edited by mig100 on Mon, Jul 01 2019, 10:45 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 10:55 am

smileforamile wrote:

A lot of this depends on what the parents can afford without going into debt or compromising their future.

All weddings will cause either of those. Either you take debt and pay it back or you take your savings and no longer have those savings.
Should the oldest child’s wedding be the biggest and the youngest a charity wedding?

Who honestly has $10,000 per child saved up in advance?
If all your savings are used on the oldest child then you have none for the next kids.
If you take your savings and divide by the number of kids should that be the actual amount spent? Even if it’s a small amount? Regardless of what the kallah wants?

amother

Crimson

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 11:41 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Believe it or not, there are people who can afford to make lavish weddings without using up (or seriously eating into) their savings.

But you are right that you cannot give one child a fancy wedding and have nothing left for the others. This may require sitting down with your child and saying that you budgeted $x for this wedding and cannot afford more. Hopefully a young woman on the verge of marriage can understand what it means to make choices.

Now, if she has her heart set on nice flowers, and you wanted to spend more on the food, I would give priority to her preference. Why not?

mig100

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 12:33 pm

smileforamile wrote:

A lot of this depends on what the parents can afford without going into debt or compromising their future.

exactly. very well said.

by THEIR- I assume you mean both the parents AND the chasan kallah.

amother

Scarlet

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 1:36 pm

Op, I think you should stick to your budget. The kallah or chasan should pay if they want something more. Why?? Well, this is exactly what's being discussed in the other thread, which is, children getting married need to learn to "live within their means" which needs to be modeled by their parents.

Living within your means is that you can't pay for a more lavish wedding if you NEED IT FOR OTHER KIDS WEDDINGS OR OTHER IMPORTANT EXPENSES. This is a great time to model for the couple. Otherwise, everytime the couple wants something more lavish whether more expensive simcha or more expensive item....they will think they should have it even if they need that money for other important necessary bills.

My parents are still paying for my siblings weddings even though they are retired.

I think this is a great time for the couple/chassan/kallah to learn that the reality is "you can't buy it if you can't afford it". I think she should pay from her own money if she wants a more expensive.....(I wonder if she will want to spend if its her money, but most children are resentful if they are asked to pay and are not "satisfied" with a "cheaper" already 10k wedding.(10k is a lot if there are a lot of other expenses like tuition and shabbos she a brchos and other children...).)

amother

Tan

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 2:01 pm

Of course you should stick with the budget and anything beyond that is something the chosson and kallah will have to come up with some other way, or do without. This shouldn't be a question.

That said, what is it that she wants that's so over budget? Is it that she wants the best of the best of everything, or is it one specific thing, or a general "look"? Because if it's one thing, perhaps she's willing to have less in other areas to make up for it. If it's a specific look or feel she wants, it may very well be doable without spending too much with a bit of thought and creativity.

If it's that she wants the Best Hall and the Best food, and the Best flowers, and the Best band and and and, then you've got to put your foot down. Is she possibly just clueless about how much things actually cost? Would showing the hard numbers help her realize that it's not doable? If she really is spoiled, and wants it all even knowing the numbers, you've honestly got a bigger problem on your hands than how to discuss the wedding budget.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 3:18 am

I grew up my whole life on a budget.
"Mom, I want these sneakers."
"Sorry honey, I have budgeted $XX for sneakers this season. Whatever you want in excess you have to pay for yourself"
Lather, rinse, repeat.
When I got engaged it was the same thing.
$XX was budgeted and I supplemented with my own money.

I have to say though, that in Israel, it is very culturally accepted in some circles to make a more lavish wedding and the cash wedding gifts are used to pay for it.
It's known that most of the gifts will be cash.

My children are not yet ready to get married, but they are pretty close and they know that DH and I will offer them a set amount of money for their weddings. If they choose to have a smaller wedding, they can put the extra money towards a house or something else. If they want more, they will contribute.

mommy3b2c

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 3:49 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Plenty of people have a lot more then $10000 per child saved up. That’s why posters are writing that it depends on individual circumstances.

southernbubby

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 7:19 am

I think that there is a Chazal that says to take the middle path. The Lubavitcher Rebbe said that weddings should be neither ostentatious or parsimonious.
The aim should be middle path for the community that you live in.

amother

Copper

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 8:34 am

southernbubby wrote:

Well said
I gave my kids a choice
Nicer wedding or nice enough wedding and a small nest egg.
They ALL said nicer wedding
Fast Forward 5-10yrs they all wished they had this nest egg to put more into the down payment

southernbubby

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 10:26 am

amother [ Copper ] wrote:

One of mine who rented an expensive gown later wished that the money had been spent on something more substantial.

SixOfWands

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 10:39 am

Squishy wrote:

Give your daughter a budget and that's it. She better start being realistic financially because it doesn't look like she is getting unlimited support. Set the boundaries and stick to them.

Quoting because it deserves to be said twice.

You do what you can. You can't do more. And let's face it, in 5 years, no one will remember the food, and in 10 years, they won't remember half the people there. They will remember the atmosphere. And they'll remember what came next.