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Explain tznius. How??

 
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Jul 01 2019, 6:35 pm
I am not sure what to do.
Im chareidi orthodox and xdh not religious anymore.
I have my tznius standards 4 myself. (Xdh started giving pants to dd7 to wear when shes with him to which I am/cannot say anything.)
Dd attends a mo school.

There are some things I am lenient with and some things I wont allow her to wear bec I do have my boundaries re tznius.
How do I explain it to her best without putting other people down.
I cant say "oh this isnt right" bec others in her class will wear leggings etc

Any ideas would be appreciated.
Thanks
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amother




Aquamarine


Post  Mon, Jul 01 2019, 7:21 pm
Hugs for your difficult situation-you sound remarkably mature and unbitter about the whole thing.
Unfortunately I can't think of any real practical solution-mayb there's a book on tznius out there that you could learn with her or something like that so her haskofas are straight, and just gently supporting her to understand what tznius is and the reasons behind it- indirectly teaching her what to wear and what's appropriate.
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SixOfWands




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 01 2019, 7:25 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I am not sure what to do.
Im chareidi orthodox and xdh not religious anymore.
I have my tznius standards 4 myself. (Xdh started giving pants to dd7 to wear when shes with him to which I am/cannot say anything.)
Dd attends a mo school.

There are some things I am lenient with and some things I wont allow her to wear bec I do have my boundaries re tznius.
How do I explain it to her best without putting other people down.
I cant say "oh this isnt right" bec others in her class will wear leggings etc

Any ideas would be appreciated.
Thanks


Honestly, you're expecting a lot of a 7 year-old. You're expecting her to transition seamlessly among three very different worlds -- your Charedi, her father's secular, and her school's MO. If that's not enough, you're asking her to be different very from her peers.

You can definitely explain to her that one of the most amazing things about Torah is that is subject to so many different interpretations; that's why we can study it day in, day out for our whole lives. And while we all have our own opinions as to what is "right," we can understand that others differ on that. Which is why you may do things differently from her school friends' moms. Kids understand different rules at different homes.

But I'd still let her dress like her friends, at least for now.
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sequoia




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 01 2019, 7:32 pm
So when she’s with her dad she can wear pants, but with you she not only has to wear skirts but she must wear tights underneath? Not leggings? Even though that has ZERO to do with tznius and everything to do with chareidi culture? Which she is already not limited to?

OP, dear, pick your battles!!!
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 01 2019, 7:34 pm
Do not discuss halachic details of tznius. She'll pick that up from watching you.

Instead, get the Ateres teachers book and read it yourself. Randomly tell her a story or have one of the suggested discussions about tznius. It will seep in.
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behappy2




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 01 2019, 9:00 pm
I am chareidi myself and this is my two cents. Number one I'm sure you have a Moreh Derech to ask these questions. If not try to find one. Number two don't teach her anything specific. Let her do whatever her classmates do-for sure till 12. What is the rush in getting a 7 year old used to every last halacha in tznius. Second is teach her the beauty and value in it. Be happy with your own tznius. Don't put others down. It just shows that you are insecure when you do that and she will know. Lastly is understand that this what Hashes wants for her.

I know for myself that I didn't teach my oldest about melachos of Shabbos till he was about 4 and I would always say "this is whay big ppl do, when you will be big you won't color in shabbos" today he is 9 and he wouldn't dream of writing etc.,however we have a swing connected to a tree and I told him it's better not to. It's really assure. He did. I am ok with that bec I know that if I let him take it at his own pace he will do it happily.
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Jul 02 2019, 2:41 am
sequoia wrote:
So when she’s with her dad she can wear pants, but with you she not only has to wear skirts but she must wear tights underneath? Not leggings? Even though that has ZERO to do with tznius and everything to do with chareidi culture? Which she is already not limited to?

OP, dear, pick your battles!!!

Im actually not that extreme. Not wearing leggings I meant wearing them with no skirt. I dont make her wear tights she has plenty socks although they are knee socks and not ankle socks and she has no problem rolling them down and thats fine with me.
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amother




Puce


Post  Tue, Jul 02 2019, 2:51 am
Definitely let her dress the way her classmates dress. I know it may be hard for you because tzniut is hard - even for an adult who is choosing the chareidi way of life. But if you force things on her, especially when it's not a school rule, it will backfire on you.
In my community the moms mostly have higher standards of tzniut and most of the girls just don't. There's not much we can do about it. Our daughters are all wonderful people and we have to accept their choices.
Your daughter may choose to dress like you, you never know.

I have a friend who wears pants and doesn't cover her hair and her DD goes to a MO school and the DD decided on her own to only wear skirts.
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Jul 02 2019, 3:04 am
Im friendly with plenty people not like me and have no problem with it. My other kids aren't all like me either but they are older and choose their own. Shes only 7 so its different.

I try not to make her different from her friends. But keeping to skirts it seems to me here is too strict....
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Jul 02 2019, 3:07 am
amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:
Hugs for your difficult situation-you sound remarkably mature and unbitter about the whole thing.
Unfortunately I can't think of any real practical solution-mayb there's a book on tznius out there that you could learn with her or something like that so her haskofas are straight, and just gently supporting her to understand what tznius is and the reasons behind it- indirectly teaching her what to wear and what's appropriate.


Thank you for your sympathetic acknowledgement
Because yes it is very hard.
And I am very careful to try get it right in every way. Whether for dd's emotional health, her way of looking at her father, others and me etc. As I want her to be and view things in a healthy way
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DrMom




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Jul 02 2019, 3:14 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Im actually not that extreme. Not wearing leggings I meant wearing them with no skirt. I dont make her wear tights she has plenty socks although they are knee socks and not ankle socks and she has no problem rolling them down and thats fine with me.

I'm confused.

Her school allows here to wear leggings as a substitute for pants, with no skirt? For sport class? Or as regular clothing in the classroom?

Or is this coming from her father?
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Jul 02 2019, 3:27 am
DrMom wrote:
I'm confused.

Her school allows here to wear leggings as a substitute for pants, with no skirt? For sport class? Or as regular clothing in the classroom?

Or is this coming from her father?



In school is pinafores and dresses. For sport classes she can wear leggings and thats no problem.
Leggings and pants I mean for out of school.
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Ruchel




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Jul 02 2019, 7:51 am
We moved so there would be others like us. It's hard being different
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PinkFridge




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Jul 02 2019, 8:41 am
She's in an MO school so I think you'll have to make peace with things. You don't have to totally throw in the towel but you do have to be reasonable. There was a great talk by Dr. Rivkah Schwartz on YUTorah, I'm sorry I don't remember which one but she was talking about boundaries parents set for their kids, touching on technology and chinuch.

No, your daughter won't necessarily dress like your neighbor's BY girl but she also doesn't have to adopt the dress of kids whose parents who've given up or don't care, or would have to reexamine their own decisions. This will take seichel, forbearance, love, trust in her good judgment, and probably some IRL hadracha. One place to start might be your daughter's principal, or teachers. Even if not hers, or not hers yet, reach out for chizuk.

Hatzlacha!
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amother




Orchid


Post  Tue, Jul 02 2019, 2:01 pm
Speak to her as openly and non-judgementaly as you can about the different shitas about tznius that she sees in her life. Explain why you have made the choices you made, but let her know that at her age, she is not yet obligated in tznius the same way that you are. MAKE SURE THAT SHE KNOWS THAT HOW SHE DRESSES WILL NOT AFFECT YOUR LOVE FOR HER, even if it is not how you feel comfortable dressing! Hatzlacha Rabba!
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