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4 yr old constantly needs me to focus on him. Any advice?
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 4:45 pm
Title says it all. Not sure if he’s looking for attention, or something deeper. Some examples:
-He will always let me know he needs to use the bathroom, even though he goes on his own and takes care of himself.
-He always lets me know when he did something good and asking for compliment
-When he gets the slightest boo-boo, he comes asking for a kiss
-Will always tell me about his 2 yr old brother that bothered him/hurt him/wasn’t nice to him...
Is he looking for attention? How can I give it to him in this context? TIA
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 4:51 pm
That’s draining!
It sounds like he is letting you know what he needs... hopefully when he gets it he will get easier.
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imorethanamother




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 4:57 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Title says it all. Not sure if he’s looking for attention, or something deeper. Some examples:
-He will always let me know he needs to use the bathroom, even though he goes on his own and takes care of himself.
-He always lets me know when he did something good and asking for compliment
-When he gets the slightest boo-boo, he comes asking for a kiss
-Will always tell me about his 2 yr old brother that bothered him/hurt him/wasn’t nice to him...
Is he looking for attention? How can I give it to him in this context? TIA


You wrote it in the title. Your 4 year old needs you to focus on him. So do that. Maybe even anticipate it and give him compliment before he has to ask you for it.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 4:58 pm
Sounds age appropriate to me!
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pesek zman




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 4:59 pm
Sounds normal to me. Or at least it’s how you describe my 4 year old. I didn’t realize it was atypical.
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 5:01 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Title says it all. Not sure if he’s looking for attention, or something deeper. Some examples:
-He will always let me know he needs to use the bathroom, even though he goes on his own and takes care of himself.
-He always lets me know when he did something good and asking for compliment
-When he gets the slightest boo-boo, he comes asking for a kiss
-Will always tell me about his 2 yr old brother that bothered him/hurt him/wasn’t nice to him...
Is he looking for attention? How can I give it to him in this context? TIA

Totally normal - you're describing every day life in myr home

It means you're a great mother that your son can identify his emotional needs and feels comfortable coming to you to get them met
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 5:04 pm
Thanks for all the replies. I keep telling/showing him that he has the tools to deal with his problems. Should I continue doing that or just sympathize every time?
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pesek zman




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 5:07 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks for all the replies. I keep telling/showing him that he has the tools to deal with his problems. Should I continue doing that or just sympathize every time?


Meet him where he is not where you want him
To be
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 5:13 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks for all the replies. I keep telling/showing him that he has the tools to deal with his problems. Should I continue doing that or just sympathize every time?


Totally normal.

You can do both. First offer sympathy, and then prompt him to come up with solutions to his problems. Only offer to help him if he asks, or he is obviously struggling.

"Oh honey, that looks like it hurts a lot! What should we do to make that feel better? Do you know where the bandaids are? Go get them, and we'll fix you right up."
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 5:16 pm
Wow, I was expecting to read something totally different! Yup, this is exactly what a four year old should be doing. I would respond the way he expects you to, because you're setting the foundation for your
lifelong relationship with him. If the message he gets is, my mother wishes I would be more independent/ less demanding/ less needy, it can affect him on a deep level. And can affect his perception of himself in other relationships as well. He needs to feel that his stuff is important to you and he's not a burden in any way.
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 5:46 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks for all the replies. I keep telling/showing him that he has the tools to deal with his problems. Should I continue doing that or just sympathize every time?

Just sympathize. You want to fulfill his emotional needs now, so that he develops a sense that you are someone he can count on.
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behappy2




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 6:15 pm
My daughter is 3 and cones to me with every boo boo and wants a kiss exactly on that spot. I taught her hire to kiss herself and how to spread a kiss to other spots. I use it sometimes when I passed my Mommy patience limit.

Also some kids if you preempt it they won't come to you. Dinah Friedman has a method for dealing with this.

Another idea that could be helpful is locking you kid in your feet ahs telling them they can't get away. This playful game helps kids feel secure. You could even play tag or hide and seek. These are all good games.
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Boobasheli




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 7:40 pm
It sounds like pretty typical behavior to me. Maybe he just has that type of personality, where he likes to engage with others. It's a communicative type.
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sushilover




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 7:47 pm
What worries you?

Is it that you aren't sure if this behavior is normal?
Or do you feel drained by the fact that he is needy?
Or are you worried that he isn't learning to problem solve without your input?
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tf




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 11:04 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks for all the replies. I keep telling/showing him that he has the tools to deal with his problems. Should I continue doing that or just sympathize every time?

Sympathize and keep him talking. Let this be the beginning of a warm and meaningful relationship between parents and child.
Also, do private time specifically to talk about his day and yours. No reprimands in private time. No game or story. Just unloading what’s on his chest.
When he comes to you with stam reports use his exact words and turn it into a question. It’ll encourage him to talk more and keep the togetherness strong.
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yidisheh mama




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 01 2019, 11:12 pm
Sounds typical for a child that age.
At one point my daughter needed lots of kisses every few seconds for minor and invisible boo boos- her way of asking for mommy's attention. If she came to me when I was busy and knew I'll be busy for a few minutes I gave her a kiss and hug, told her I'll be busy for a few and then put many kisses for her into her pocket/ pretend play pocket book she liked and told her to close save it for when she needed it and to be careful not to tip them out. It really worked a lot of the time and she'd pull out kisses as needed:) She was 3 then.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Tue, Jul 02 2019, 5:27 am
IMO he’s jealous of the 2 year old
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amother
Gray


 

Post Tue, Jul 02 2019, 7:00 am
behappy2 wrote:
My daughter is 3 and cones to me with every boo boo and wants a kiss exactly on that spot. I taught her hire to kiss herself and how to spread a kiss to other spots. I use it sometimes when I passed my Mommy patience limit.

Also some kids if you preempt it they won't come to you. Dinah Friedman has a method for dealing with this.

Another idea that could be helpful is locking you kid in your feet ahs telling them they can't get away. This playful game helps kids feel secure. You could even play tag or hide and seek. These are all good games.

Why would you want to make your child come to you less? At this age when they need you and are always willing to cuddle? You'll miss that when they're older and suddenly don't have time for you anymore.
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Stars




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 02 2019, 7:23 am
Aaaah 4 year old heaven. Totally normal. It'll pass. Is he being a drama queen, like kvetching and crying for every shtuss? In my house kisses etc are reserved for when you switch to a big kid tone.
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EPL




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 02 2019, 9:00 am
You should encourage him to soothe himself, but always remember to validate his response, by asking him "whether he's proud of himself".
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