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Forum -> Parenting our children

S/O Shabbos

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1ofbillions

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 11:56 pm

I saw the following post on a different thread:

behappy2 wrote:

I didn't teach my oldest about melachos of Shabbos till he was about 4 and I would always say "this is what big ppl do, when you will be big you won't color in shabbos" today he is 9 and he wouldn't dream of writing etc.,however we have a swing connected to a tree and I told him it's better not to. It's really assure. He did. I am ok with that bec I know that if I let him take it at his own pace he will do it happily.

It made me wonder what the right way to parent children regarding shabbos is. Shabbos is the most challenging part of being frum, for me. I’ve always struggled with seeing it as anything other than a prison. I don’t remember much of how my parents parented me regarding Shabbos, so I don’t know what not to do with my children.

This is really a question for a chinuch expert or rabbi, but I’m wondering at what age children should be told to not be mechallel Shabbos. I’d love to hear people’s experiences, and tips for making Shabbos enjoyable for children. (And adults too!)

amother

Mauve

Mon, Jul 01 2019, 11:59 pm

The key is to proactively make it fun. As long as kids aren't feeling deprived, they are happy to follow the same rules as the grown-ups.

flowerpower

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 12:10 am

We make Friday a relaxed day- no rushing or
Being pressured etc

We buy special food for Shabbos

We play games together

We go for walks, to the park...

pizza4

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 12:33 am

This is hard for me too, I'm usually too exhausted or just have no patience to sit and play games.

heidi

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 12:41 am

I would never let me kids color on shabbos.
It just wasn't an activity that was available to them on shabbos.
Obviously, a baby playing with a muktza toy didn't have it taken away from them but the older siblings (ages 3 and up) knew it wasn't something they could also play with on shabbos.
Shabbos was definitely challenging when the kids were young.
Lots and lots of games and walks to the park.

amother

Copper

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 12:43 am

OP, I wonder if the feeling of "prison" is about how the halachos were taught, or about how Shabbos itself felt in your home. I have a friend who describes Shabbos the same way you do. In her home, Fridays were super serious and stressful, even if everything was done very early. If a neighbor asked her to come out, her mother would act as though it is terrible to even consider going out on Friday afternoon, when "Shabbos is coming." It was a general heaviness in the air. Shabbos itself was also not a happy time, because of various unhealthy family dynamics.
I grew up knowing about muktzah from a young age, and my parents' chinuch was certainly not as liberal as the parenting described by another poster in the op. Nonetheless, Shabbos was a happy time in our house. We had fun interesting family discussions, we played games together, etc. There were many positive associations with the day.
With my own kids, I also teach them about halachos from when they're old enough to understand, but not in a harsh way at all. More importantly, though, there's lots of singing and talking at the Shabbos table, and so I hope my children will also have a positive association with the day. Personally, I believe it's important to teach children halachos from when they're young so that they become second nature, but even more important is how the halachos are presented and what Shabbos means in the home to the family.

singleagain

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 1:05 am

Don't have kids and don't really remember much when I was a kid...

But... I work in a grocery store and every week, I chose a parsha product to put on sale. I do my best to make sure it is child friendly and candy of some sort.

I've actually had feedback that local teachers really enjoy this, bc it helps get the kids excited.

essie14

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 2:26 am

My DD is 2. I don't make any muktza activities available to her. If she picks something up I don't take it away but I try to shut off all musical toys or put them away before Shabbat. Crayons are away in a drawer. She knows what Shabbat clothes are and we play outside a lot - that's when all the neighborhood kids are out the most so she loves it.
I actually don't find it so challenging because DH and I are also more relaxed on Shabbat. No phones attached to us, no work. BH so far so good. I do remember a cousin of mine who was probably around 3 screaming for TV one Shabbat -- fun times Smile

giselle

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 7:41 am

Everyone made some good points. Just want to add that with Halacha in general, I never make a big deal about it to little kids. They learn a lot by example and in school. I remember eating at a friend who made a huge deal about making sure their four year old washed for bread. I never made my kids wash. Eventually they just started doing it. Same with waiting between milk and meat. I don’t make the little kids wait too long and eventually they wanted to wait as long as everyone else. Those are just two examples, but I really do that with (almost?) everything. They have a much more positive experience when things aren’t shoved down their throats. This goes for things like making kids daven with a minyan even after Bar Mitzva. My son knows it’s important to daven with a minyan and always goes to shul with my husband. But now with summer vacation he really doesn’t want to wake up early to go with my husband, so we’re not making a big deal about him davening at home. It’s not worth it in the big picture if our goal is to raise children who are happy to be frum and follow Halacha.

Ruchel

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 7:45 am

Yeah. I'm lazy to go out (stairs) and there's the baby. It's difficult.

1ofbillions

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 8:59 am

Thanks so much for your posts, everyone! I’m finding them to be very helpful.

behappy2

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 9:12 am

I grew up in a home where we were mechunach in mitzvos way before our age level. I was very overwhelmed and often felt very guilty and ashamed that I couldn't keep up with basic halacha. After listening to shiurim it became clear to me that it isn't right to teach everything to a young child. It needs to be taught at an age where they can handle the restriction (otherwise they just give up) I also see from neighbors how chilled out they are.

amother

Tan

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 9:13 am

There’s a 39 malochos children’s book.
When the kids were younger we us to read/discuss 1 me lacha a week, at the meal.
When we finished we started all over.
We started when my oldest was 5.
As the kids got older they would think of unique ways that this Halacha might or might not apply.
As an adult I learned a lot as well.

We also sang a lot at the table, classics and modern songs. We played a game where someone would say a word, Hebrew or English, and you had to think of a song with that word.

Of course there was also special treats.

On Friday afternoons was a time to relax.
Everyone got a toamecha treat 1 hr before Shabbat, if they were 100% ready and all muktza was put away. Usually a piece of cake or cookies, something that would be served later on at night.

behappy2

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 9:16 am

I really go by them. My daughter for example is much more typically developing and I can tell her not to touch lights at three etc..but I don't hound her. You really get a feel for each child.

pizza4

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 9:24 am

Regarding muktzah things, crayons we put away before shabbos on a high shelf. If a young child takes out a toy that sings though, I don't take it away. And if my 6 year old is playing with a muktza toy, I'd give her a reminder like sweetie that's muktza and immediately turn to other things so she can put it down at her own pace.
Also I give them a treat by lecht bentchen too.
I like that idea of learning a melacha at the table...

singleagain

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 9:27 am

Just had another thought... I've seen advocated in this site over and over to answer birds and bees questions kids ask in age appropriate manner.. why should Shabbos or any other mitzvah be different?

ectomorph

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 9:36 am

My children love shabbos.

-I never take away a muktza toy if they are enjoying. I calmly tell them that it is muktza, and when they are big enough they won't want to play with it on Shabbos because Hashem said not to touch muktza on Shabbos. Sometimes they stop and sometimes they don't.

- we don't have candy during the week. On shabbos afternoon, we spend about an hour on shabbos party. I get all the frum candy, 3 types a week. They get a lot of candy then. They LOVE it.

-whenever I find a good non muktza toy - I save it for shabbos.

- I make a mock shabbos meal in Friday since mine are too little to enjoy it later.

Dina2018

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 9:45 am

great ideas. please keep them coming! love this thread!

Israeli_C

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 9:57 am

Before shabbat, I put all the muktza toys away (baskets high up) and take out shabbat toys (keeps things interesting when they're only for shabbat) and books we get from the 'torani library' in our city.

Shabbat meals, the 3 year old tells us what she learned about parashat hashavua, shows us the artwork she did in gan and says psukim (and gets cake as a prize). The 2 year old shows us his artwork. Both kids participate in the meal - netilat yadayim, brachot, zmirot etc. After the second meal we go to the park and afterwards everyone naps.

Seudat shlishit everyone goes to the synagogue where there are 'kids tehillim' groups (+ shlukim / ice pops afterwards) and a communal meal. Go home, do havdalah and say bracha of 've'yiten lecha' (kids love it! DH says it together with the kids while bouncing them on his knees). Then they watch a video of the Rebbe, have showers and go to bed.

ectomorph

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 10:39 am

Btw my kids don't like to do netilat yadayim for some reason, probably sensory. I never force them to do it. Every week I offer and they say no. But I feel my job is to offee.

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