How many times for the offer/refuse cycle?

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 10:47 am

You know the drill. Someone invites you over. You ask what you can bring. She says "oh, nothing, just bring yourselves!" You reply "oh, but I can't come empty handed!" So maybe she says ok, if you bring something, dessert is nice, or she refuses again and tells you please just bring yourselves. Or you get up to help clear the table and it's "no, no, sit down, I've got it!" You offer again, and she might take you up on it, but she might insist again that you stay seated. And really every situation where someone offers something, the other person says no, no, you needn't do anything. How many times do you need to let the offer/refuse cycle go on until you're off the hook, so to speak? How do you ever know when they're actually refusing or just saying it to be polite but expect you to offer again so that they can say, oh, well if you absolutely insist...

amother

Red

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 10:50 am

I don't play this game, it's corny. I offer help and if they decline, I sit down and stay seated. Same with bringing something.

Chayalle

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 10:52 am

amother [ Red ] wrote:

I don't play this game, it's corny. I offer help and if they decline, I sit down and stay seated. Same with bringing something.

Agree.

heidi

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 10:56 am

Me too.
I also don't play that game the other way
When someone asks what they can bring I thank them and tell them - usually a veggie dish or a dessert.
And when they get up to help I either refuse with an explanation ie. I'm just bringing in the soup which I serve at the table or I let them help.
I'm too old for these games.

SixOfWands

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 11:03 am

What can I bring?
Nothing. Just bring yourselves.
OK, then I'll bring myself and a bottle of wine.

No one has ever refused

[Gets up to help.]
No, no, I'm fine
Really, I'd love to help
Its ok
[Sits down]

I have a small kitchen and HATE when people try to help, so I respect them on that one quickly

amother

Slategray

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 11:04 am

I was at someone’s house and they said to me feel free to be part of the family if you want to help out.
It was said very cutsie very polite.

So now when I go over to someone’s house I let them know that it makes me feel like part of the family, they never refuse.

amother

Red

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 11:06 am

Amother slategrey, why do you care to feel part of the family that you're eating a meal at? It's a weird thing to say to a host, that you wanna feel part of the family.

sympa

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 11:21 am

amother [ Red ] wrote:

Amother slategrey, why do you care to feel part of the family that you're eating a meal at? It's a weird thing to say to a host, that you wanna feel part of the family.

I don't think it's weird. People would say things like that all the time to my parents, and my mom would say the same as a guest. I wouldn't feel awkward if someone said that to me, as a host, either. Maybe it depends on your personality.

chanatron1000

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 11:42 am

Sometimes it's hard to tell if someone's refusing out of politeness or if they're actually being sincere.

aricelli

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 12:37 pm

Take it at face value! I like when my guests dont help. Dont ask me why- I also dont like when guests bring things like a salad in a container and I need to start looking for a bowl or flowers without a vase or a drink in little containers that needs to be put together in my kitchen.

amother

Blush

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 1:01 pm

Everyone is probably different. I tell people to just bring themselves and that is what I prefer.

I don't mind if guests bring wine if it makes them more comfortable to do so. Some people just feel like they are being rude if they bring nothing, so I'm not going to refuse it and make them feel awkward.

If, in response to my "just bring yourself," someone answes that they'd like to bring something specific like "how about I bring a salad," I will let them. Not because I want them to offer (I don't). But I think that maybe they have some reason they feel strongly about bringing this item and I don't want to make them feel bad or cause them inconvenience by rebuffing it. The reason could be that they are on some diet and don't feel comfortable asking me to make a paleo salad. Or they hate my desserts and want to bring their favorite. Or they don't trust me to check veggies to their specifications, but want to have a leafy salad with their meal. Or they were raised that it's rude not to contribute a cooked item. Whatever their reason for insisting, I assume it's meaningful to them and I humor them unless there's a real and unavoidable kashrus issue. But the fact that I say yes to people who insist DOES NOT mean that my initial "just bring yourself" was fake or "a game." It just means that I am willing to go with what the guest prefers to do over what I prefer.

agreer

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 1:18 pm

Ugh. Why do people want to bring things to a meal? I never understood that. Someone is inviting you out. They want to feed you and want you to enjoy their food.

I don't think anyone should ever ask what to bring to a meal unless it's a pot-luck or a joint event. If you are a guest, just bring something thoughtful - wine, candy/chocolate, flowers (before shabbos), a game for the kids, etc.

zaq

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 2:57 pm

amother [ Red ] wrote:

I don't play this game, it's corny. I offer help and if they decline, I sit down and stay seated. Same with bringing something.

This. I detest phony social games. I will not, however, go empty-handed. I will bring a hostess gift of some sort. If my hosts want to regift it, that's their prerogative.

yerushamama

Tue, Jul 02 2019, 9:57 pm

I usually tell guests that while I don't need help in the kitchen, they are welcome to come chat with me while I serve. It can be uncomfortable to be the only woman sitting at the table when the hostess is in the kitchen!

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