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Would you call to invite yourself?
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 11:17 am
Our friends have a bungalow upstate and always tells us to call them when we want to come for Shabbos. Last year I called her and that weekend was not good for them. She never attemted to invite us for another weekend. And again this year her husband and her tell us to call which weekend we want to come. Would you call or just let it slide?
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momofone613




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 11:20 am
Depends on how close u are to them. If you guys are really close, asking isn't a big deal, even if they say no. If your more like the occasional get together kinda friend, then it's up to u how awkward you'd feel if she said it wasn't a good time.
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amother




Mistyrose


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 11:24 am
If you are comfortable with them then the way to do it is to ask them when it’s a good time for them to have you.
Simply ask them “which shabbos can we come?”
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 11:30 am
momofone613 wrote:
Depends on how close u are to them. If you guys are really close, asking isn't a big deal, even if they say no. If your more like the occasional get together kinda friend, then it's up to u how awkward you'd feel if she said it wasn't a good time.

I feel a bit weird because it was a “no” last year and its not like she said come next shabbos or on two weeks.
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zaq




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 12:09 pm
I'm not a fan of self-inviting, having grown up in an era in which self-inviting was considered rude in the extreme because it puts the person on the spot. Nowadays I guess the attitude is that it's ok to invite yourself and people don't feel put on the spot. (Not that I agree. Lots of people DO feel put on the spot, witness many imamother threads on the topic.)

That being said, it all depends on your friends' hospitality style and your relationship with them. If you know that they are the casual sort who like having people invite themselves (I have a neighbor like that. She loves having company but isn't great at planning ahead, so she actually likes it when people call her Thursday night to invite themselves for a Shabbos meal) and if you are close friends, go ahead and ask again.

If, despite their throwing out the "just let us know when you want to come" line, they are really not so casual and prefer to do their own inviting, you know what to do, or rather what not to do. Unfortunately, telling meaningless, polite social lies like "you must come for a Shabbos" is common. I personally don't consider this to be a genuine invitation. To me, a genuine invitation is "Can you come for Shabbos next week?" Better still is "Can you come for Shabbos next week? No? How about the week after that?"

My philosophy is "three strikes and you're out". If I'm turned down for something three times in a row, I can read the handwriting on the wall and I quit. Then again, I don't think I have ever come out and asked anyone other than my parents or inlaws "may I come to your house for Shabbos?" At most, when I was stationed for two weeks in a city where I had a relative, I called her up to say "hello, I'm in town for two weeks, how are things?" (this was in pre-cell-phone days, when long distance calls were expensive so I would call people only if I was in the same area code--which, back then, could cover the entire state) in the hopes that she would invite me for Shabbos. (She did.) If she hadn't invited me, I would have asked her where I can get kosher takeout for Shabbos and made Shabbos in my hotel room.

To sum up: You can ask twice more without being a socially clueless noodge.
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doctorima




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 12:09 pm
If they hadn't said anything this year, I'd be uncomfortable to ask since last year didn't work out. But if they explicitly told you to come up this year, I'd focus on that and not the lack of a follow-up invite last year. If they didn't want you to come or invite yourselves, they wouldn't have said anything this season.

Maybe choose 2 or 3 weeks that could work for you and ask them which would work best for them; odds are that at least one will work, as opposed to if you only give them one option, and this way you're not just vaguely asking them to give you all the weeks that could work for them.
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amother




Blue


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 1:15 pm
I wouldn't ask and put them on the spot. If they want you, they will pick up a phone and call and say are you available to come for Shabbos this week.

I have a vacation house. The conversation preceding me saying let me know when you would like to come is a bunch of hints.

I will be told how lucky I am. How the person hinting really would like to get away. They will let me know they are stuck home. They may say you had Goldie come up.

There is nothing I can do but say we would love to have you if it works out.

Please don't do 3 strikes and you are out. Graciously wait to be invited. You already let them know last year that you will travel.
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heidi




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 1:17 pm
Agree with poster above.
My friend has a vacation house.
She has been booked solid for every shabbos in the summer with friends who asked to come up for a few months already.
She does not appreciate this.
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 1:29 pm
amother [ Blue ] wrote:
I wouldn't ask and put them on the spot. If they want you, they will pick up a phone and call and say are you available to come for Shabbos this week.

I have a vacation house. The conversation preceding me saying let me know when you would like to come is a bunch of hints.

I will be told how lucky I am. How the person hinting really would like to get away. They will let me know they are stuck home. They may say you had Goldie come up.

There is nothing I can do but say we would love to have you if it works out.

Please don't do 3 strikes and you are out. Graciously wait to be invited. You already let them know last year that you will travel.


Let me add...The year before they said the same thing and we just ignored it and didn’t call and invite ourself. At the end of the summer they said they were waiting for our call.
I would not want somebody calling me on a random Wednesday looking for an invite but why give an invite like this???
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Learning




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 1:42 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Our friends have a bungalow upstate and always tells us to call them when we want to come for Shabbos. Last year I called her and that weekend was not good for them. She never attemted to invite us for another weekend. And again this year her husband and her tell us to call which weekend we want to come. Would you call or just let it slide?

Did they tell you to call which weekend you want to come this year after you asked to come or out of their own initiative without you contacting them st all.
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 1:48 pm
Learning wrote:
Did they tell you to call which weekend you want to come this year after you asked to come or out of their own initiative without you contacting them st all.

They told us to call them when we saw them in the street on shabbos. We did not ask.
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Stars




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 2:05 pm
zaq wrote:
I'm not a fan of self-inviting, having grown up in an era in which self-inviting was considered rude in the extreme because it puts the person on the spot. Nowadays I guess the attitude is that it's ok to invite yourself and people don't feel put on the spot. (Not that I agree. Lots of people DO feel put on the spot, witness many imamother threads on the topic.)

That being said, it all depends on your friends' hospitality style and your relationship with them. If you know that they are the casual sort who like having people invite themselves (I have a neighbor like that. She loves having company but isn't great at planning ahead, so she actually likes it when people call her Thursday night to invite themselves for a Shabbos meal) and if you are close friends, go ahead and ask again.

If, despite their throwing out the "just let us know when you want to come" line, they are really not so casual and prefer to do their own inviting, you know what to do, or rather what not to do. Unfortunately, telling meaningless, polite social lies like "you must come for a Shabbos" is common. I personally don't consider this to be a genuine invitation. To me, a genuine invitation is "Can you come for Shabbos next week?" Better still is "Can you come for Shabbos next week? No? How about the week after that?"

My philosophy is "three strikes and you're out". If I'm turned down for something three times in a row, I can read the handwriting on the wall and I quit. Then again, I don't think I have ever come out and asked anyone other than my parents or inlaws "may I come to your house for Shabbos?" At most, when I was stationed for two weeks in a city where I had a relative, I called her up to say "hello, I'm in town for two weeks, how are things?" (this was in pre-cell-phone days, when long distance calls were expensive so I would call people only if I was in the same area code--which, back then, could cover the entire state) in the hopes that she would invite me for Shabbos. (She did.) If she hadn't invited me, I would have asked her where I can get kosher takeout for Shabbos and made Shabbos in my hotel room.

To sum up: You can ask twice more without being a socially clueless noodge.


Every word of this!
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Stars




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 2:07 pm
heidi wrote:
Agree with poster above.
My friend has a vacation house.
She has been booked solid for every shabbos in the summer with friends who asked to come up for a few months already.
She does not appreciate this.


This is absolutely her problem, not the guests. Personally I would never invite myself to anyone but she has to learn to say no.
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amother




Oak


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 2:19 pm
Saying something casually when you happen to meet is not the same as calling on the phone and saying we'd love to have you sometime. What works for you?
It's annoying, and she might mean it in the moment, but that's probably the extent of it. At most, I think you can reach out 1 more time. And I would do it casually, just hey, we would love to come up is there a week that works for you? No specific dates, and just see how she responds to see if she really meant it.
I had a distant relative who would do the same, at any family event she would quiz me, so when are you coming, etc. Finally, I took her up on it, said I'll be available during x month, call me or email to let me know which specific week. She said she absolutely would, well guess what? It's been a few years, she never contacted me. Now when I bump into her, she just avoids the whole topic. A lot of these "invitations" are just that.
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amother




Blue


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 3:04 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Let me add...The year before they said the same thing and we just ignored it and didn’t call and invite ourself. At the end of the summer they said they were waiting for our call.
I would not want somebody calling me on a random Wednesday looking for an invite but why give an invite like this???


Because they are overwhelmed with hints to vacation in their summer house. It means love to get together with you sometime.

A real invitation is when they pick up the phone or initiate the text asking you to come on such and such date.
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amother




Babyblue


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 3:45 pm
amother [ Blue ] wrote:
Because they are overwhelmed with hints to vacation in their summer house. It means love to get together with you sometime.

A real invitation is when they pick up the phone or initiate the text asking you to come on such and such date.


I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable inviting myself, but I think that’s more my own stuff. I don’t necessarily agree with the above though. I have a pool and extend an open invitation to people at the beginning of the summer. I can’t be expected to always invite people every day. If they want to use it they can ask. I sometimes will try to invite some people whom I feel may be uncomfortable asking, but overall I don’t need it on my head that I have to think of everyone all the time. They know they are welcome any time.
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amother




Oak


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 4:05 pm
Coming for an hour to use a pool is not the same as moving into a house for the weekend. Food, bedding, bathroom use.
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frosting




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 9:00 pm
amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:
I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable inviting myself, but I think that’s more my own stuff. I don’t necessarily agree with the above though. I have a pool and extend an open invitation to people at the beginning of the summer. I can’t be expected to always invite people every day. If they want to use it they can ask. I sometimes will try to invite some people whom I feel may be uncomfortable asking, but overall I don’t need it on my head that I have to think of everyone all the time. They know they are welcome any time.



Totally agree!!
I am a pool hoster too!

I can not remember all the pooless people come summer, but am so happy to give it out whenever I can.
Come be my friend for the summer, I'm totally cool with that!
But please remind me that you have interest and I am so happy to try and accommodate you!!
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amother




Blue


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 9:08 pm
OP, you friend might mean it at the time, but maybe her kids don't want to deal. My kids get upset with all the summer hosting. They want to chill with family. You don't know the dynamics behind the scene.
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 9:19 pm
many people like to be on vacation & not host when they are on vacation
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