I don’t know how to help her

amother

Wed, Jul 03 2019, 1:22 pm

Is there any purpose in getting my child evaluated for ADHD if I already know she probably has it. And I don’t think she needs medicine, she just needs better teachers.

Will putting a label on her help her or just make it easier for her teachers to give up on her from the start?
Yes I’m annoyed with her teachers. She could have done so much better in school if they only were more understanding. I was told sarcastically that every kid has ADHD nowadays and there would not be extra help for her if she was diagnosed.

Is better grades so important that I should pursue that goal to the detriment of everything else? Should I medicate her and separate her from her best friends so she should be quieter in class and therefore pay more attention? I fear she will begin to hate school then. At least now she loves school because of her social life and learning is just something she tolerates. If the school separated her from her friends and put her in a different class would that be good for her or bad?

Sorry for my rambling post. I’m so frustrated. She’s 9 by the way.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Jul 03 2019, 1:42 pm

Almost freaky, I have a 9 yr old daughter and I could have written your post word for word, especially the sarcastic comments about everybody being ADHD.

I think all humans need to learn in a gentle way that everyone is different and uniform standards of excellence are not really OK. In a way, your child and my child are lucky that they can learn it young. Uniform standards of acceptability that includes a range of performance is OK, I acknowledge the importance of reading, writing, critical thinking, math, general knowledge, etc. But not everyone performs well in a student environment. And they are still capable of learning and having a very successful future. Teachers would do well to learn that. If your child's success is in her peer interaction, consider yourself lucky and blessed. There are plenty who struggle for friendships and it impacts their development. Just not in the same way as not getting an "A." I have no advice, just sending you courage and caring...

mha3484

Wed, Jul 03 2019, 1:47 pm

We knew for years that my son had ADHD but we were kind of pressured by his school to get a full evaluation and honestly it was one of the best things we did. It gave us a really detailed picture of how he learns, what his strengths and weaknesses are, lots of recommendations for the classroom teachers. If your daughters school is not interested in working with you then its a bracha l'vatala. Meds alone wont do anything it has to be in concert with school and home support.

One beneficial part was that we are able to target his specific issues so I dont blow a ton of money on therapy that wont be effective. Also for years I kind of blew people off who told me how intelligent he is since we were dealing with so many social emotional issues. When we got the results of the eval back and some of his scores were so high, I was able to understand how that effects his day in the classroom.

My husband was very anti meds and I was very mixed on it but we have found that the non stimulant meds have worked well for my kid so it may be worth looking into.

oneofakind

Wed, Jul 03 2019, 3:54 pm

The school may take you more seriously if have an evaluation than if you don't because it makes you look like you are taking their concerns seriously and you are invested in helping your child not just in denial or not interested.
A neuropsych eval should give you a list of recommendations which you then take to the school and say, "These are things that can help my daughter, let's start doing them." It won't be just another over protective mother.

amother

Brown

Wed, Jul 03 2019, 4:40 pm

Speaking as a teacher who's parents refused to get her evaluated as a child (I was diagnosed in college) I'm passionate about this.

First of all, depending on your state, a diagnosis could enable her to recive services like OT or small group instruction.
It also gives the teacher the freedom to help your daughter in a way that might be unfair otherwise. For example, if I have a student who I know can't sit through a standard 40 minute test, I either want them to take it in two sittings or to shorten it. However, to do this for one kid and not another is unfair and invalid testing. Unless the kid has an ADHD diagnosis. Then I have the freedom to make use of the special services office for accommodated testing. I can break all sorts of policies about leaving class if she has that piece of paper. It's not always that the teacher doesnt want to help, but her hands are sometimes tied.

Additionally, in elementary aged girls, ADHD often appears in social settings, such as lunchtime conversations and group work. It only gets worse as they hit middle school and they mature emotionally more slowly and blurt inappropriate/immature comments. Find out from an unbiased party how your daughter's doing socially. It may be worth medicating her so she doesn't lose her friends.

It could be that the Dr you take her to for a diagnosis has ideas of how to help her other than meds (often outlets or specific therapies).

amother

Thu, Jul 04 2019, 11:13 am

Thank you all for your support.
I’m frustrated because the teachers have not asked me to get her evaluated. They have not said let’s see if there is something we can do to help her. They literally say her grades are poor but she’s doing well otherwise. See you next time.
She’s getting 60s mostly with plenty of 20, 30,40 on quizzes and then sometimes an 80 or 90 when she really works hard. But other times she will work hard and get a 60.
The teachers have never said anything except maybe you should get her a tutor.
I was told that if she has adhd then a 60 is amazing.
She is not impulsive. She gets distracted easily and can’t focus. She doesn’t pay attention in class and daydreams. Her eyes glaze over when I explain a posuk. I have to repeat it over and over. She gets bored quickly and needs constant entertainment. But she’s not hyper.

I can’t justify spending a fortune on an evaluation if it hasn’t been recommended. And it kills me to see her report cards. She got failing grades yet somehow passed. This last semester we really worked so hard with her and she put in so much effort. I thought we would see an improvement on her report card but there was none. Which makes me wonder if the teacher was grading wrongly.
The last semester especially in math she started getting 90-100 on the times table quizzes which is a huge accomplishment since she previously got 20s. Yet her overall math grade was 63 like the previous semester. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Which is why I’m annoyed with the teachers.

Then I’m wondering if my expectations are too high. Maybe I should be thrilled that she didn’t fail and not hope for 80s. Am I wrong?

Last summer I was determined to improve her level and catch her up. This summer I’m doing the same. I’m getting scared that I’m fooling myself always thinking next year will be better.
Or alternatively I could just stop caring so much. The school doesn’t care. She doesn’t care. I’m the only one who cares about her grades. Maybe I shouldn’t??

gibberish

Thu, Jul 04 2019, 11:25 am

I don't see what you can lose by doing a full evaluation. The school will take you a lot more seriously once you show them the hard data and will be more willing to make accommodations for a child with a documented diagnosis. Additionally, you will be given suggestions after the evaluation about how to help her; things which the school is not qualified enough to know. She may also be referred for medication for focus which may help her tremendously.
Yes, unfortunately, many schools do not have enough trained staff. It's wonderful that you are taking the initiative! Hopefully, the help that you are getting her will boost her self esteem and help her for many years to come!

amother

Firebrick

Thu, Jul 04 2019, 11:27 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You are too hostile to her teachers. You don't want to get your daughter evaluated nor medicated. How do you expect the teacher to address your daughter's unique learning style in a classroom without cooperation from you?

imasinger

Thu, Jul 04 2019, 11:33 am

If you think maybe she has ADHD, would you be willing to do an online test to see if there's good reason to go for further testing?

ADHD testing can be done by a pediatrician, educational consultant, or psychiatrist, you don't always have to deal with the wait and expense of neuropsych. OTOH, you may get the most accurate results that way.

Something is keeping her from success. Could be ADHD, could be something else. Lots of factors can lead to poor school performance -- SPD, dyslexia, other processing disorders.

Figure out what it is; both she and the school will be grateful and happy once you have a solution, even if neither is pushing you right now. And the sooner it happens, the easier it will be for her down the road.

amother

Thu, Jul 04 2019, 12:06 pm

If the teachers want her medicated I would consider it. I’m not going to offer. Why would I do that?
I could just do what I’ve been doing all along. Working hard on homework and teaching her the material at home that she missed in class.

Nobody is asking me to do anything else. I’m putting pressure on myself to help her.

I’m kinda hoping for someone to say that I’m too invested in her success. Back off and let her be. And if she’s not an academic type then let her be what she is. That she doesn’t have to get good grades. As long as she’s happy and confident it doesn’t matter what she gets.
If someone tells me that I would completely relax.
It’s kinda what the school is saying but I keep thinking they are just being lazy about it. And I’m afraid that the future will be worse and I’ll regret not taking it seriously earlier.

amother

Rose

Thu, Jul 04 2019, 12:12 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This is a very legitimate concern. Also, is she truly happy and confident?

The reason people choose medication is not usually because the school insists. That would be pretty awful. The main reason people choose to medicate is because they feel it would help their child achieve success in one or more areas that have not been responsive, or would not be responsive, to other forms of intervention.

amother

Pink

Thu, Jul 04 2019, 12:24 pm

Teachers legally cannot diagnose a student or say she should be medicated. All they can do is bring up concerns and encourage an evaluation. (In my school, a fellow teacher finally dropped the 'r' word--retention-- because the mom was constantly pooh poohing any concerns, so that was the only way to get her to take things seriously. After that the mom did get her child evaluated.) So the ball is in your court for that. Just realize that.

gibberish

Thu, Jul 04 2019, 12:36 pm

OP, it is YOUR responsibility to help your child. Always realize that the school is not as fully vested in helping your child and often won't push you to do anything unless there is a behavioral issue. I'm not necessarily saying that medication is the answer, but if it is, think about how many hours of wasted effort you will no longer have and it will give her self esteem a boost! Think about how hard you are both working when something simple to help her focus may be the answer! The school is not the expert on your child, YOU ARE.

I think you know what the next step is. Get her evaluated and see what the recommendations are. Move on from there. Getting her help now before things get worse will help her not only now, but also down the road.

Edit: Also as a previous poster wrote, teachers are not supposed (or qualified) to recommend medication.

amother

Brown

Thu, Jul 04 2019, 1:59 pm

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

This! We can't even suggest an evaluation. In talking to a fellow teacher about her daughter in my class the mom brought up disorganization and I asked if she was saying she thought it was ADHD and I got in trouble for that. They may be trying to hint it and hope you pick it up

amother

Pink

Thu, Jul 04 2019, 2:04 pm

Yes, all I can suggest is the parent talk to the pediatrician and that I am willing to fill out any checklists provided. But I won't even say that unless a parent asks what to do.
Obviously I talk about difficulty with staying focused and on task, trouble with organization, needing frequent reminders, etc. But then the ball is in the parents' court to take things further. Not worth getting an official reprimand or lawsuit against the school (yes, I've heard of stories like that).